Saturday, May 21, 2016

Achilles Heal.

  I've been thinking a lot about pain and listening.
Talking about pain is pretty normal in class and it is always interesting to hear stories and gain new perspectives. And I have the opportunity to share a bit in class but also I have an opportunity to just sit and listen to stories in class. Just listen. And it's nice. I was talking to my best friend Jess and I have been realizing that lately I've been pretty content and I feel pretty peaceful even though school is really stressful at times. It's a fulfilling stressful. I spend a lot of my day learning about how to help people and then spend the rest of it seeing how I can implement those things in my normal everyday life.

The other day I was able to talk to one of my classmates for a bit and it was nice to have a conversation where neither of us were ashamed of where we came from or where we are or who we are. And both of us were truly grateful for an opportunity to visit the other's world. It was a fearless conversation. With a balance of letting go and reaching out. Trust. Maybe that is what it was that was there. Not just a trust in each other but also a trust in ourselves and our worth as individuals and a trust in our inner strength and our ability to choose peace even though our trust has been misplaced in the past. 
To recognize that painful things happen but they don't have power over you.
That it is never too late to change course.
That just the small act of truly being present with someone and reaching out to them creates a small space of quiet. Maybe not actual quiet. Because life can be loud. But the noise doesn't have to get in the way.

I've also gotten a little better at letting go of things.
I still get confused and upset and hurt and sad and excited and confused again etc.
 But I've been practicing letting go and it's really helpful.

I've realized that in order to better understand others I need to not only give love but also be open to receiving it. Not just an outpouring of love but an influx of it too.
Like if my heart were a house It would be a place where people can come and go as they please and it would be peaceful whether I was alone or if other people were there.
To have a few extra chairs set up for others but to be content if no one visits that day.
All the while knowing the risks of being so open.
But being open anyway.
A house where you can talk or not talk.
A home without fear.

 I've been realizing more and more that my life goal is not happiness.
It's wholesomeness. It's about being honest.
It's not about being perfect.
It's no longer about being afraid of all the "negative" emotions like anger and sadness and pain. But accepting them and being kind to myself and others when they arise. I don't mean becoming volatile and unstable. I do not think it is healing or kind to take out your emotions on another person or even yourself. I just feel that a lot of pain comes from fear. And I am tired of being afraid of my emotions. And I was afraid that opening up old doors and not only recognizing what I was feeling but also admitting it and embracing it in a kind way would hurt.
And it does.
But that's okay.
It is not bad to feel angry or sad. It happens. I decided instead to use that anger and sadness to pinpoint the pain that was it's source by using them as guides and following them kindly and patiently to where they lead me.  And once I started doing that I realized that negative emotion aren't bad if they are used to help heal.  And it may sound odd and maybe I am going crazy with all of my studying and the copious amounts of time I seem to spend alone in my books and wading through medical terminology and Thich Nhat Hanh books but I think that negative emotions are just the messengers for pain. And yeah, "well duh." But it's not the realization that those negative emotions stem from pain that is what I discovered lately. It is that I discovered I can use those emotions to heal myself because I can find the deep hurts causing my negative emotions and work towards healing them and becoming whole. It is a nice thing to realize that I don't have to "conquer" my emotions.
But that I can be kind to all of them.
And it's interesting how negative emotions crop up less and less the more healing that takes place.

It's nice to have more time to spend with happiness and peace because anger and sadness and hurt aren't showing up on my doorstep in the middle of second-breakfast all the time.
That they are healing.
That I am healing.

I don't know much but I know that being afraid has never led me to good ends.
I don't know much but I know that what I know now can and will change.
I don't know much but I know that I don't have to be afraid or ashamed of that.
I don't know much but I know I have right now.
And right now?
 Is the perfect time for another adventure.

Song Section: 
Because music says it better than I can.


  1. Amazing and wonderful. Just like you, girl. Loveumost xoxoxox

  2. I was just researching pain yesterday!your words gave me goosebumps. I have felt lost in my pain because I don't see the end of it happening, I see the scars and wonder how I will ever explain them. I see that I have not measured up and that my existence is a natural toll on other existences. I see my adventures and need for wholeness as selfish because what if my needs being met means not fulfilling needs of my others? Especially the needs of my kids? I sometimes feel a black tunnel and I have no idea how in the world I will make it out and do I even want to make it out? Do I even want to have to try to trust or love or fail or live? All of that has become such a heavy burden to my mind. Like Froto, at the end of the Return of the King, when he realized that there are some hurts that don't heal and how do you pick up the threads of an old life...I feel this often. How do I go on? I wish I could get on a boat and sail to the Elves. But I'm a mother and that is what keeps me. I have to keep facing life and taking risks and going on adventures and learn to be kind to myself. I'm so so mean to myself. I treat myself like I'm horrible and stupid and unworthy of any kind of love. I act like any of my needs are selfish- but is that a lesson I want to teach my kids? I want them to know how to take of themselves and take care of their needs- as you said to be at peace- an open house. How can I teach them that if I don't also learn it? And learn to treat myself with dignity? Anyway- hopefully I have not rambled on for to long- but THAnk you! I really loved this. It touched me in a big way! Keep writing- you are brilliant!

  3. Were you able to see this one? I'd love to hear your thoughts