tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87844408687245653112024-03-13T05:27:06.746-07:00IntermissionWhen the show is really long but you need water.CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.comBlogger57125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-79413829490497157372021-07-06T09:16:00.001-07:002021-07-06T09:35:52.104-07:00Water<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br /><br /><div><div style="text-align: center;">I suppose rivers do not inherently have names and they all lead, in the end, to the same place.</div></div><div style="text-align: center;">But we name them different names anyway.</div><div style="text-align: center;">They also all seem to naturally have small or large places of calmer water somewhere along all that flowing.</div><div><div style="text-align: center;">So I suppose community could be constant, in a specific place and still dynamic.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">And also with places of rest.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div></div><div><div style="text-align: center;">I don't believe in a deity but I believe in gratitude, grace and friendship.</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">My friends and my life partner make me feel loved, valued, appreciated, competent, funny, wanted, essential and a part of their life that is magical and irreplaceable. </div><div style="text-align: center;">And I strive to do the same.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">To have an opportunity to not only have true friends but to be a true friend is something I am so grateful for.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">However, due to the move and the Pandemic I haven't been able to see my friends as much and it has been hard to find a place here.</div><div style="text-align: center;">Being a part of a community is my life's blood and I don't have a solid one here. </div><div style="text-align: center;">I was a part of Redlands. </div><div style="text-align: center;">I was a part of my friend group. </div><div style="text-align: center;">I was good at my job. </div><div style="text-align: center;">I had goals and aspirations. </div><div style="text-align: center;"> I had places I haunted like Stell and Tulip House.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"> In DC it is very transient and hard to find a constant PLACE here. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Despite all of the good things and people in my life </div><div style="text-align: center;">my mental health has been the worst it has ever been. </div><div style="text-align: center;">I'm uncertain how to fix it and I've tried everything I can think of.</div><div style="text-align: center;">It's hard to not feel trapped by it and also hard not to blame myself for all of it.</div><div style="text-align: center;">I have adopted some new maladaptive coping skills over the pandemic.</div><div style="text-align: center;">I have relapsed into old maladaptive coping mechanisms during the Pandemic.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">My main fears are that I'll essentially fail at being a good friend and life partner because I cannot trust my mind to not fail me. Because my mind is absolutely restless. </div><div style="text-align: center;">And it will fail me and my heart if I cannot find a way to make it stop.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">A talk I had with a friend made me realize that I think, in part, I am grieving. </div><div style="text-align: center;">A great many things.</div><div style="text-align: center;">And it is so heavy that I am afraid I cannot keep it up.</div><div style="text-align: center;">And I don't know how to carry or heal from all of it.</div><div style="text-align: center;">And for one reason or another my mind will not let me put it down or rest.</div><div style="text-align: center;">And it's something I am angry I have not figured out how to do yet.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">I have no insight to tie all this together or reassurances to offer.</div><div style="text-align: center;">But hopefully I don't drown in these rough waters.</div><div style="text-align: center;">But mostly I hope I don't pull anyone under with me on accident.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">If you like music here is a link to a playlist.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1lcCzSSVLC0CDcaB6y54hD">Summer Velvet</a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div></div>CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-3091609039004320312020-12-22T19:20:00.005-08:002020-12-22T19:51:02.791-08:00Tattered Tale<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Th3Ix0efoes/X-K5J_Au8ZI/AAAAAAAACOE/mxTf64B9B9ATkayIcmvjldGEYUFXCZ3LACLcBGAsYHQ/s564/56e8b3d4b2e3962f5db1ac31dd47f9b5.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="546" data-original-width="564" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Th3Ix0efoes/X-K5J_Au8ZI/AAAAAAAACOE/mxTf64B9B9ATkayIcmvjldGEYUFXCZ3LACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/56e8b3d4b2e3962f5db1ac31dd47f9b5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"> I've recently been "washing out" all psychoactive medications to try to find my "baseline." </span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Well, let me tell you, my friends, my baseline is looking pretty chaotic.</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Like, I had hoped that after almost a decade on some medications I'd be okay to quit taking them. </span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I am in a healthy, loving relationship with an amazing partner etc. working at a job I like, I have time for hobbies and sleep now.</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">So, naturally, I decided to shatter that balance.</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mcYhXhWFjMk/X-KwJA9o-gI/AAAAAAAACMQ/hmqEZolyQ7M5dgO0cwtk2o0ywveAB0iFQCLcBGAsYHQ/s435/1fe8a2d823f6368671d179de5352986f.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="248" data-original-width="435" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mcYhXhWFjMk/X-KwJA9o-gI/AAAAAAAACMQ/hmqEZolyQ7M5dgO0cwtk2o0ywveAB0iFQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/1fe8a2d823f6368671d179de5352986f.gif" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span><p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">And because I don't wish to bore you with the particulars I have, instead, implemented the use of GIFS (this is one of the many maladaptive coping skills I have honed to a deadly double edged blade of "Dark Humor" meets "Total Despair and Confusion" that both meet at the nice sharp knife point of "My Loneliness is Killing Me but So is the Anxiety that I am Both a Burden to Everything and Selfish Beyond Measure.")</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">And to add a bit of a challenge to it, I'm only using New Girl GIFS.</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">So now that we have that all cleared up we can begin.</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Well, most days it starts out well enough. </span></p><p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ru1LJfcyVVY/X-Je2aLxp9I/AAAAAAAACGs/9MkihVUmAfgXZ6QTF8MpT4YyBWP3EQLKwCLcBGAsYHQ/s356/200.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="356" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ru1LJfcyVVY/X-Je2aLxp9I/AAAAAAAACGs/9MkihVUmAfgXZ6QTF8MpT4YyBWP3EQLKwCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/200.gif" width="320" /></a></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Then I say hello to my dog Ezra and proceed to try to ignore the snakes crawling around in my body</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-988YwSPmlkE/X-JhQZ7ibAI/AAAAAAAACIM/C_7mSuIJWfUHGHMJShkB9jT7qXgZmF49ACLcBGAsYHQ/s268/tumblr_o3rdw4h35O1uf32oho1_400.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="254" data-original-width="268" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-988YwSPmlkE/X-JhQZ7ibAI/AAAAAAAACIM/C_7mSuIJWfUHGHMJShkB9jT7qXgZmF49ACLcBGAsYHQ/s0/tumblr_o3rdw4h35O1uf32oho1_400.gif" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">So I head on in to the bathroom to try to look into the mirror and repeat sage advice I've heard from others over the years hoping this time it will take root within me.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VqpVcINz2lM/X-JiTTciSLI/AAAAAAAACIw/4EFd19b8tsY4DFMaI33W74oY_rewM2BnACLcBGAsYHQ/s498/looksharp-ya-dumb-ass-nickmiller.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="278" data-original-width="498" height="218" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VqpVcINz2lM/X-JiTTciSLI/AAAAAAAACIw/4EFd19b8tsY4DFMaI33W74oY_rewM2BnACLcBGAsYHQ/w389-h218/looksharp-ya-dumb-ass-nickmiller.gif" width="389" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">So I try to start my self improvement journey yet again.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">But this time make it doable.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EblVrjMkQz0/X-JjIK8d8II/AAAAAAAACJE/AJyln72cSJIiHcjCt9amP09TDNIcOwb1ACLcBGAsYHQ/s353/images-3.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="143" data-original-width="353" height="163" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EblVrjMkQz0/X-JjIK8d8II/AAAAAAAACJE/AJyln72cSJIiHcjCt9amP09TDNIcOwb1ACLcBGAsYHQ/w400-h163/images-3.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Then I eat mashed potatoes and corn with cheese for breakfast.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BCxdXdZS_Lc/X-Ky8HHh-GI/AAAAAAAACNQ/5WPFo6EfeVAXzm54xVXxVYsiYq30nZQpACLcBGAsYHQ/s500/source-2.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="281" data-original-width="500" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BCxdXdZS_Lc/X-Ky8HHh-GI/AAAAAAAACNQ/5WPFo6EfeVAXzm54xVXxVYsiYq30nZQpACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/source-2.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">So when that doesn't work I try to remember how far I've come in the last 28 years.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-L5nZh4DzuEI/X-JhyP_j_nI/AAAAAAAACIU/t5HViU037z8YgEELSJDv1EuY46lEV1NRgCLcBGAsYHQ/s500/anigif_enhanced-buzz-2840-1375733048-13.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="280" data-original-width="500" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-L5nZh4DzuEI/X-JhyP_j_nI/AAAAAAAACIU/t5HViU037z8YgEELSJDv1EuY46lEV1NRgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/anigif_enhanced-buzz-2840-1375733048-13.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">When that doesn't work I like to ruminate on our super fucked up world.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y6HCtAqLAWE/X-JitnrJCBI/AAAAAAAACI8/Pu35WylmvUsDupQ2L5DqkWQeWOTxfL5gACLcBGAsYHQ/s500/unnamed.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="281" data-original-width="500" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y6HCtAqLAWE/X-JitnrJCBI/AAAAAAAACI8/Pu35WylmvUsDupQ2L5DqkWQeWOTxfL5gACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/unnamed.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9aqGbeQuOsQ/X-K2_jZUPjI/AAAAAAAACN4/VlTid6xyJkQjIUWx7SWxq45Vp43rOrIigCLcBGAsYHQ/s498/tenor-4.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="278" data-original-width="498" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9aqGbeQuOsQ/X-K2_jZUPjI/AAAAAAAACN4/VlTid6xyJkQjIUWx7SWxq45Vp43rOrIigCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/tenor-4.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">And while doing this my body likes to do weird shit for no reason.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0ihSni7Pjzw/X-Kj6QfvMOI/AAAAAAAACJY/D1nhpYC4lVolz5O2P-nQ3Im0OaptkpdOQCLcBGAsYHQ/s245/9a036bb8c3fc4c0b89b4a26ce524d7e7.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="195" data-original-width="245" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0ihSni7Pjzw/X-Kj6QfvMOI/AAAAAAAACJY/D1nhpYC4lVolz5O2P-nQ3Im0OaptkpdOQCLcBGAsYHQ/s0/9a036bb8c3fc4c0b89b4a26ce524d7e7.gif" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">It doesn't make me feel better. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">So I just keep trying to shut it down so that leads to making it worse actually.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PUyVmEkCTjA/X-KkI-Xqm7I/AAAAAAAACJc/nmirWFzNZKcc13CFS12vnkR0QFXVMdjFwCLcBGAsYHQ/s500/giphy-1.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="277" data-original-width="500" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PUyVmEkCTjA/X-KkI-Xqm7I/AAAAAAAACJc/nmirWFzNZKcc13CFS12vnkR0QFXVMdjFwCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/giphy-1.gif" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">And then I get angry and overwhelmed and try to talk myself into not feeling guilty for making decisions to help myself even if they make me feel selfish. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qurGrJmrpkQ/X-KkggXAWyI/AAAAAAAACJo/r7FxDid6ThY324R0kScQY7r7ltTTIp4xwCLcBGAsYHQ/s500/source.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="282" data-original-width="500" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qurGrJmrpkQ/X-KkggXAWyI/AAAAAAAACJo/r7FxDid6ThY324R0kScQY7r7ltTTIp4xwCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/source.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2v5lJeyvOgo/X-Ku_pYhK2I/AAAAAAAACMI/CKEbtGbb1XI3yN_faRtOnImF38sHxOGbgCLcBGAsYHQ/s500/boundaries.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="281" data-original-width="500" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2v5lJeyvOgo/X-Ku_pYhK2I/AAAAAAAACMI/CKEbtGbb1XI3yN_faRtOnImF38sHxOGbgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/boundaries.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">And as you might have guessed by now. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">That doesn't work.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> So then I change tactics.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DfwyWKU7SNc/X-KkvcgM-uI/AAAAAAAACJs/D3lrDW-e07kNzm3RqU5OIREtJ1K_CUg9wCLcBGAsYHQ/s322/df89d49229f7d47cd94416f70941211b.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="322" data-original-width="265" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DfwyWKU7SNc/X-KkvcgM-uI/AAAAAAAACJs/D3lrDW-e07kNzm3RqU5OIREtJ1K_CUg9wCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/df89d49229f7d47cd94416f70941211b.gif" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Aaaaaaaaaaand now I'm hungry.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CDZPh2Iaznw/X-KllrOSdiI/AAAAAAAACJ8/9wozJm1sVew8Ysa-AGvqHeTBS0EUP4_zgCLcBGAsYHQ/s498/tenor.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="278" data-original-width="498" height="202" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CDZPh2Iaznw/X-KllrOSdiI/AAAAAAAACJ8/9wozJm1sVew8Ysa-AGvqHeTBS0EUP4_zgCLcBGAsYHQ/w362-h202/tenor.gif" width="362" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">We're tailspinning, tailspinning, tailspinning...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DpUSimsRBHE/X-KmubU5rVI/AAAAAAAACKE/9Zp_DWZYmAYmH9-ACvVMzF6LwxEREk3BgCLcBGAsYHQ/s398/tenor-1.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="224" data-original-width="398" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DpUSimsRBHE/X-KmubU5rVI/AAAAAAAACKE/9Zp_DWZYmAYmH9-ACvVMzF6LwxEREk3BgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/tenor-1.gif" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Trying not to break things including myself</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-byIJCGD86HQ/X-Ko54d0AvI/AAAAAAAACKU/PenStp6G6OYBGWmuz9HgxV2wQj--Fu7MwCLcBGAsYHQ/s500/Zhxr.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="250" data-original-width="500" height="227" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-byIJCGD86HQ/X-Ko54d0AvI/AAAAAAAACKU/PenStp6G6OYBGWmuz9HgxV2wQj--Fu7MwCLcBGAsYHQ/w453-h227/Zhxr.gif" width="453" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Oh and there is intellectualizing</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Y6Yf4Z07_8M/X-Koxu6CrVI/AAAAAAAACKQ/OBEqjF8CaK0Ilf_oBCcCY7ON2WGbqC-hQCLcBGAsYHQ/s500/tumblr_nnxijzWTKG1si1eooo2_500.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="280" data-original-width="500" height="249" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Y6Yf4Z07_8M/X-Koxu6CrVI/AAAAAAAACKQ/OBEqjF8CaK0Ilf_oBCcCY7ON2WGbqC-hQCLcBGAsYHQ/w445-h249/tumblr_nnxijzWTKG1si1eooo2_500.gif" width="445" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Lets try all the coping skills we know.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2Nh9vlfc6Rk/X-KpRA16v8I/AAAAAAAACKg/hDGkFaH1f_kj3A-20I8bwc-vm9sV-fBCwCLcBGAsYHQ/s480/giphy-2.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="270" data-original-width="480" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2Nh9vlfc6Rk/X-KpRA16v8I/AAAAAAAACKg/hDGkFaH1f_kj3A-20I8bwc-vm9sV-fBCwCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/giphy-2.gif" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JAfzI-4LJ9w/X-Kp67Gz_2I/AAAAAAAACK4/MNGXwBcksAcOkz_E7zLmqdQXh8yw8YGgACLcBGAsYHQ/s500/source-1.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="281" data-original-width="500" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JAfzI-4LJ9w/X-Kp67Gz_2I/AAAAAAAACK4/MNGXwBcksAcOkz_E7zLmqdQXh8yw8YGgACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/source-1.gif" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WaILntxo2-E/X-KrxZQhr0I/AAAAAAAACLI/C24lQ1w6nUs5wie1iKdrh4B35srOJAnLwCLcBGAsYHQ/s500/tumblr_m4eua44FLc1rwe2kko1_500.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="281" data-original-width="500" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WaILntxo2-E/X-KrxZQhr0I/AAAAAAAACLI/C24lQ1w6nUs5wie1iKdrh4B35srOJAnLwCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/tumblr_m4eua44FLc1rwe2kko1_500.gif" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-a695tkQV71s/X-Krze_jgeI/AAAAAAAACLM/pVpLOwPhLcAuROf7TT_IBClPpe9tyvNkQCLcBGAsYHQ/s450/1A3O.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="208" data-original-width="450" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-a695tkQV71s/X-Krze_jgeI/AAAAAAAACLM/pVpLOwPhLcAuROf7TT_IBClPpe9tyvNkQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/1A3O.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Nope. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Still Spiraling. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Deploy self-hatred.</div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YAoJh8XvfM0/X-Kr3GXzCAI/AAAAAAAACLQ/xsjaG2DDAuo5-V17TKo68M3sjx-ZXsT6gCLcBGAsYHQ/s500/original.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="254" data-original-width="500" height="212" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YAoJh8XvfM0/X-Kr3GXzCAI/AAAAAAAACLQ/xsjaG2DDAuo5-V17TKo68M3sjx-ZXsT6gCLcBGAsYHQ/w415-h212/original.gif" width="415" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FdW0XkmDAc4/X-KzYSSNMDI/AAAAAAAACNY/cIBLyQ9MRbQb8fXjdwx_QcYS6T95rOkzACLcBGAsYHQ/s404/tumblr_nfkuz33ZpM1tfbtrwo1_500.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="302" data-original-width="404" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FdW0XkmDAc4/X-KzYSSNMDI/AAAAAAAACNY/cIBLyQ9MRbQb8fXjdwx_QcYS6T95rOkzACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/tumblr_nfkuz33ZpM1tfbtrwo1_500.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OLigS0xqim0/X-KsSjIAcnI/AAAAAAAACLo/GtvyBb7_hxcDdvEq2U2Pb-pA8zLek42hwCLcBGAsYHQ/s500/tumblr_nm4krhoseQ1qeekseo1_500.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="281" data-original-width="500" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OLigS0xqim0/X-KsSjIAcnI/AAAAAAAACLo/GtvyBb7_hxcDdvEq2U2Pb-pA8zLek42hwCLcBGAsYHQ/w356-h200/tumblr_nm4krhoseQ1qeekseo1_500.gif" width="356" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Feelings:</div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AYyPdp9rCnQ/X-KslYcVwQI/AAAAAAAACL0/M4iBd9NJRjoJnoxss72dT9_SauyeMMGEgCLcBGAsYHQ/s498/tenor-2.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="280" data-original-width="498" height="261" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AYyPdp9rCnQ/X-KslYcVwQI/AAAAAAAACL0/M4iBd9NJRjoJnoxss72dT9_SauyeMMGEgCLcBGAsYHQ/w465-h261/tenor-2.gif" width="465" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Then you cry yourself to sleep after maybe trying weed as a last-ditch effort.</div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2GsuEIo9G8k/X-KwmS3MT6I/AAAAAAAACMg/mDsVreZSYQosjXIJHu2lYpmvbiqNvbGKACLcBGAsYHQ/s500/5ExH.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="281" data-original-width="500" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2GsuEIo9G8k/X-KwmS3MT6I/AAAAAAAACMg/mDsVreZSYQosjXIJHu2lYpmvbiqNvbGKACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/5ExH.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">You wake up and feel both hungry and hungover and like a terrible person. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-egYN6SVjRto/X-KwQd9bd4I/AAAAAAAACMU/Hv-5gWB7MqcAvauS6e_97ShpeIjCAKy0wCLcBGAsYHQ/s500/tumblr_mdkb41M6671r4gc2c540.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="281" data-original-width="500" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-egYN6SVjRto/X-KwQd9bd4I/AAAAAAAACMU/Hv-5gWB7MqcAvauS6e_97ShpeIjCAKy0wCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/tumblr_mdkb41M6671r4gc2c540.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>But what do you say to someone who saw you being so..... weird?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k-kwqoWSPmc/X-JgqKpcW0I/AAAAAAAACHA/l_0R4wSA9tU1fULc2SmWjG2FEYjY3R3BgCLcBGAsYHQ/s500/ReadyAnxiousCanadagoose-small.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="282" data-original-width="500" height="292" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k-kwqoWSPmc/X-JgqKpcW0I/AAAAAAAACHA/l_0R4wSA9tU1fULc2SmWjG2FEYjY3R3BgCLcBGAsYHQ/w519-h292/ReadyAnxiousCanadagoose-small.gif" width="519" /></a></div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Yes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> That's it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Let's call it what it isn't. Because that helps.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rmXWx0SWiVE/X-K0h_JScuI/AAAAAAAACNs/qgsZN1qqk9YVNGrIHTWwkPZGTvYQbgeugCLcBGAsYHQ/s480/giphy-3.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="270" data-original-width="480" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rmXWx0SWiVE/X-K0h_JScuI/AAAAAAAACNs/qgsZN1qqk9YVNGrIHTWwkPZGTvYQbgeugCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/giphy-3.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Now.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Do it again.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-O2Im25pGVEk/X-Kzn8_1UKI/AAAAAAAACNc/1Mfxt85_LEgIocZqnLI737NVQexZuULYwCLcBGAsYHQ/s245/tumblr_mhs5fiLMik1rno586o2_250.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="169" data-original-width="245" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-O2Im25pGVEk/X-Kzn8_1UKI/AAAAAAAACNc/1Mfxt85_LEgIocZqnLI737NVQexZuULYwCLcBGAsYHQ/s0/tumblr_mhs5fiLMik1rno586o2_250.gif" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Here is some music that makes it more bearable.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/736q5bvdACdJz3ilc7vdqv?si=D7ZP8cRRRdekcLbWdhxOnA" target="_blank">Sharp Objects Playlist</a><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">(I swear it's one of the best playlists ever.)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div></div><p><br /></p>CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-57976020722587759312020-02-25T20:56:00.001-08:002020-03-21T11:28:05.721-07:00Arterior Motifs <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Lub1WNiKN0g/XlNLRVe-FoI/AAAAAAAACBY/F3KsnjASvLYpt0l3a8tZhKHNrwrnq1d5gCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/IMG_3489.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="936" data-original-width="749" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Lub1WNiKN0g/XlNLRVe-FoI/AAAAAAAACBY/F3KsnjASvLYpt0l3a8tZhKHNrwrnq1d5gCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/IMG_3489.JPG" width="256" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="color: #999999;">"There seems to be no barrier between any one object and any other, just a continuous flow of life becoming art and vice versa"</span></i></div>
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<u><span style="color: #999999;">-Donald Judd</span></u></div>
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<i><span style="color: #999999;">"This nigh-mystical concept is a kind of Eamesian just rightness that arises organically from a series of patterns and activities set by nature that are allowed to generate structures of their own"</span></i></div>
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<u><span style="color: #999999;">-Excerpt from The Longing For Less</span></u></div>
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<span style="color: #999999;"><i>"A lot of people will walk right by it and not know that's it. They stand in front of [The Earth Room] for ten to twenty-seconds gaze at the field of dirt, and wonder what they are missing instead of thinking about what's right in front of them. The reaction has something to do with our expectations that art should be readily apparent and distinct from the mundane world around it, or that it should offer up a message in the first place."</i></span></div>
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<u><span style="color: #999999;">-Bill Dillworth </span></u></div>
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It's been a while since I have written.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Because writing about life or feelings or observations feels like trying to make something that is naturally messy and fluid into something neat and solid and that can feel odd.</span></div>
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A few years ago I did a bit of an overhaul on my life.</div>
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I think trying to simplify my life (i.e., zero waste, owning less, buying less , etc.) was my way of trying to, in a practical way, strive for selflessness. </div>
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I am speaking of selflessness as in a lessening of the distance. </div>
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I wrote a blog post about it over a year ago that goes more in depth about what I mean when I say "selfless" if you're curious. > <a href="http://castaneya.blogspot.com/2017/05/smoke-and-mirrors.html" target="_blank">Smoke and Mirrors</a> <</div>
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I was trying to make a life that allowed grace to have space to be seen in it always. Even though grace is always in it, as is its nature. </div>
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( I understand "grace" to be the unselfconscious breathing life. Think dust motes in the early morning sun. Your favorite mug. Your unmade bed. Window panes in older houses. Or nature in general even.) </div>
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I didn't want to be ruled by my own discontent. </div>
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And I feel more discontent or disconnected the more out of context I feel.</div>
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Because I think a part of what grace is, is context. </div>
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Which leads me to another thing I have been contemplating. </div>
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As far as art goes I appreciate knowing about the artist's life. </div>
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I find the more I learn about a particular artist the more their art deepens for me. </div>
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Their art work stops being "pieces" and starts being a big thread of their life. </div>
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Ups and downs and different experiments and ideas.</div>
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Much like so many people and things in life. </div>
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Stories are my life's blood. </div>
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But I sometimes find myself using the "curation process" of simplifying my life as a way to make sure I myself take up as little space as possible.</div>
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To take up less resources. Take up as little of my body as possible. Take up less time. Take up less energy.</div>
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Take up less everything.</div>
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I think that I, unfortunately, learned early in my life the lie: </div>
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The moment you become "too much" is the moment you become unloved and unlovable.</div>
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In my head this lie pertains to me only.</div>
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I don't look out at any other person and think this is true. </div>
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And I don't know why I can't make myself un-believe it. </div>
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Maybe with time that will change. Maybe I will look over my life over the years and see the thread and all it's stitches and this will just be a few rough stitches in the line. </div>
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Most importantly,</div>
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I keep forgetting that"curation" is not a taking away of things it is the choosing of things.</div>
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The point of the space is not the emptiness, it is the potential of it. </div>
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The point is not to remove the content it is to allow freedom enough for you to see it as it is for you where you are.</div>
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The emptiness to witness how the context of your life plays out in front of you as art.</div>
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Whether they are real, fantasy, non-verbal or musical stories have taught me so much. </div>
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And slowly over time I've collected wisdom from so many different places people and times that if the lessons were put into a room, you might think they would clash but I think somehow they might manage to flow together rather gracefully. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YSi6i9-njsQ/XlX5Pujb_3I/AAAAAAAACCk/LjA98wtiYgQ0rzVkSIDImeqtRgdxRP_IQCEwYBhgL/s1600/VM1955W000134-09-MC1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1050" data-original-width="1050" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YSi6i9-njsQ/XlX5Pujb_3I/AAAAAAAACCk/LjA98wtiYgQ0rzVkSIDImeqtRgdxRP_IQCEwYBhgL/s320/VM1955W000134-09-MC1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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(Vivian Maier)</div>
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Music to Breathe to:</div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/ol4N-jnpp7c" target="_blank">Chewing Cotton Wool - The Japanese House </a></div>
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<a href="http://Bad Dream - Vancouver Sleep Clinic" target="_blank">Bad Dream - Vancouver Sleep Clinic </a></div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/6S2q-8zqlUc" target="_blank">Seneca - Novo Amor</a></div>
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CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-36050092814910773732018-07-02T08:30:00.001-07:002018-07-02T09:14:49.982-07:00After All This Time<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
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<h3>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><b>September 2014</b></span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<i style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Do you feel it </span></i><i style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">dripping</span></i></div>
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<i style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> wet as my lips </span></i></div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: -webkit-standard;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> -- fresh from sipping this warm tea.</span></i></span><br />
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<h3>
<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">February 2015</span></b></h3>
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<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">I started dating someone </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">that wasn't you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Nov 2015</span></b></h3>
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<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">The whiskey is wearing off </span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">And he is striking the gavel</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">again.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">I offer a thought.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">But it doesnʼt reach him</span><br />
<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">And my words</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">fall into this empty tumbler </span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Iʼve set spinning.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Dec 2015</span></b></h3>
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<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">You see,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">I spent a lot of time walking</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">for the next two months.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"> ---Missing the smell of oranges.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><b>February 2016</b></span></h3>
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<div class="" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">
<i style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"> </span><span style="color: #999999; font-size: xx-small;"> <span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">It is thick like the big red trees. </span></span></i><br />
<i style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="color: #999999; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"> It whispers</span></i><br />
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<i style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="color: #999999; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> –smoke rings that drift.</i> </span><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></i></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">July 2016</span></b></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">The last thing I can remember really</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">is thinking that the door by my bed</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">made the room seem</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">bigger than it was.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">My voice has gotten very</span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;"> small.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">What an odd time to feel nothing.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">August 2016</span></b></h3>
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<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><strike>Today</strike></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><strike><br /></strike></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">Not today</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">Not today </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">Not today</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">September 2016</span></b></h3>
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<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">I spent a lot of time</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">with my dog.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">Watching movies.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">Reading books.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">And running around a forest </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">near </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">my parents house.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">December 2016</span></b></h3>
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<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">My life before July </span></span></div>
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<span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">feels like </span><strike><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">all my fault</span></strike><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> a dream.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">I forgot what it was like</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc;"><span style="color: #cccccc;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">---being here. </span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12px;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12px;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12px;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">February 2017</span></b></span></h3>
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<span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></b></span></div>
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<i style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span><span style="font-size: xx-small;">It is s</span></i><i style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">harp as the Liberty Crown. </span></i></div>
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<i style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> Shifting like the fickle clouds.</span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> </span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><b>May 2017</b></span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">We were so close.<br />But I am glad now<br />that we didn't try to build us<br />In that field of hurt.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">(It still scares me to think that I might have lost you in it.)</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">June 2017</span></b></h3>
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<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">I remember standing there </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">watching the snow begin to fall from his mouth again.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">It's funny how tired the cold can make you.</span></div>
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<h3>
<i style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12px;"> </i><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">August 2017</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"> Your music</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"> -- a warm breath.</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<h3>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">September 2017</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">We talked but my tumbleweed words </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">rolled by him, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">the space between us an empty town.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">It's funny how tired loneliness can make you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">November 2017</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">There was whiskey </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">and there was </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">you </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">brushing a strand of hair </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">from my face.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">I remember our knees were </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">touching.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Dec 2017</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545;">
<i style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> <span style="color: #cccccc;"> </span></span><span style="color: #cccccc; font-size: xx-small;"> <span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">It clings like mussels on a ship. </span></span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"> always dripping away </span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"> under ground. </span></i></div>
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<i style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">January 2018</span></b></h3>
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<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">I went to The Falconer </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">a lot the next month </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">or so.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">But that ended too.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
<h3>
<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">February 2018</span></b></h3>
<div>
<b><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">We talked for a long while.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">You shared</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">some of your stories.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">(How have you always </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">known h</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">ow to love me?)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="">
<h3 style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">March 13 2018</span></h3>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: helveticaneue;">
<span style="color: #cccccc;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">I was so surprised </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">to see you</span></span></div>
<div style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">
<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">I hugged you </span></div>
<div style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">
<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">twice.</span></div>
<div style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">
<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">
<span style="color: #cccccc;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">(And felt the room get colder </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">when you left.)</span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: helveticaneue;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<h3>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><b>March 20 2018</b></span></h3>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And after all this time</span></span></div>
<div class="" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">
</div>
<div class="" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> a kiss.</span></span></div>
<div class="" style="font-family: helveticaneue;">
<br /></div>
<h3>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><b>April 3 2018 </b></span></h3>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">My life</span></div>
<div class="" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">is crinkle cut fries</span></div>
<div class="" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">Silver music </span></div>
<div class="" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">and you</span></div>
<div class="" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">In a Golden-Hour frame.</span></div>
<div class="" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">(Thank you)</span></div>
<div class="" style="font-family: helveticaneue;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<h3>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">May 30 2018 </span></h3>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">
<div class="">
<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">I see your lashes </span></div>
<div class="">
<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">and wonder if I will ever </span></div>
<div class="">
<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">feel them on my face again.</span></div>
<div class="">
<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="">
<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">(You were leaving in a few hours.)</span></div>
<div style="font-family: HelveticaNeue;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<h3>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><b>June 17 2018</b></span></h3>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;">Finally,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="color: #cccccc;"> </span><span style="color: #999999;">B</span></span><span style="color: #999999; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">utterfly Kisses. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></span>
<br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></span>
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: small;"><u>Music</u></span></h3>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><u><a href="https://youtu.be/VFAfeI42d5w">Alina Baraz - Lavender and Velvet</a></u></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://youtu.be/WyQRx2voJlI">Ravyn Lenae - Moon Shoes</a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://youtu.be/Z5ze4CUAkE8">H.E.R. - Focus</a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/tyB5FfVN8_w"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Teyana Taylor - Never Would Have Made It</span></a></div>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div class="" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: HelveticaNeue;">
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: HelveticaNeue;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black; font-family: HelveticaNeue; font-size: 12px;">
<br /></div>
</div>
CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-65718758034591221642018-06-12T20:00:00.000-07:002020-02-28T10:58:22.400-08:00Light Years<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-H68CpfTVDJo/XlNJE-gMncI/AAAAAAAACBM/HCj1HGbPIPoauzx9kdI_DnORtdAEL_k-wCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/purple%2Bflowers%2Bbig.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="768" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-H68CpfTVDJo/XlNJE-gMncI/AAAAAAAACBM/HCj1HGbPIPoauzx9kdI_DnORtdAEL_k-wCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/purple%2Bflowers%2Bbig.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #cccccc;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small; text-align: center;"><b><br /></b></span>
</span><br />
<div style="font-family: "helvetica neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center;">
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="color: #cccccc;"> The shadowless true noon is not the only time life is beautiful.</span></div>
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #cccccc;">Instead it is far more common</span><br />
<span style="color: #cccccc;">to see in yourself or in another </span></div>
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #cccccc;"> Not a fault in their or your nature</span><br />
<span style="color: #cccccc;"> but simply light shifting as it does.</span></div>
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="color: #cccccc;"> Like the slow lifting of a veil or like</span><br />
<span style="color: #cccccc;">the quick clicking and shuttering shadows</span><br />
<span style="color: #cccccc;">on your face while passing quickly under trees.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cccccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #cccccc;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="color: #cccccc;">And even when you can't find the Sun uninterrupted</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="color: #cccccc;">There is still wonder and kindness and peace and love and freedom</span><br />
<span style="color: #cccccc;">in the dripping of light through the leaves.</span></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div style="font-family: "helvetica neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cccccc;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="color: #cccccc;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small; text-align: center;"></span><br /></span>
<div style="font-family: "helvetica neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cccccc;">And to see in myself light and shadows and their ability to coexist is a hopeful thought.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/_lK4cX5xGiQ?t=51s">Tribute : Tenacious D</a><br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/WRLVINLlEVE">Golden Green: Agnes Obel</a><br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/-PpzoCltXCE?t=9s">I Want A Life For You : Saturday Sun</a><br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/pyFmxA3ZyLE">Stone : Agnes Obel</a></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/Ys4w0YiTzS8">Zack Knight: La la la</a></div>
<div style="color: #454545;">
<br /></div>
</div>
</div>
CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-28959240384342291662018-05-31T22:51:00.002-07:002020-02-23T19:26:49.561-08:00Prose and Cons<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YkmGT0ayUng/WxDfE5oTQcI/AAAAAAAABv0/prsnRorNEPcfgUkA2RMSOUw38s-eRjIWACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_4719.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="744" data-original-width="750" height="316" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YkmGT0ayUng/WxDfE5oTQcI/AAAAAAAABv0/prsnRorNEPcfgUkA2RMSOUw38s-eRjIWACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_4719.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<i><br /></i>
You see, it's never a good time<br />
--to ask for their hands to help you catch the slipping things inside you.<br />
<br />
<i> Is that why you read him poetry instead?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
It is hard to tell if you have been whittled down<br />
-- to what you do for people.<br />
<br />
<i>Is that why your humor is almost always settled in the shade (dressed accordingly of course)?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
You see your hands<br />
-- a failed utility.<br />
<br />
<i>Is that why you run?</i><br />
<br />
And your heart<br />
--Well at least you've tried, by now, to laugh louder than <br />
the faulty ticking.<br />
<br />
<i> </i><br />
<i> </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><a href="https://youtu.be/cn2wRmqm7nI">Aisha Badru - Splintered</a></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><a href="https://youtu.be/CPF1CnN4Tfg">Rosemary & Garlic - Old Now</a></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/QXwPUYU8rTI"><i>Birdy - Shelter</i></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-84410576912445215922018-02-24T17:13:00.000-08:002020-02-28T10:55:05.420-08:00Grey Matters<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LBQOBH5F2ug/WpH6P3btXdI/AAAAAAAABmA/VkJ8CWDj_DUA7UGAfvax9-kEKttcQnDhQCK4BGAYYCw/s1600/366a6bfce01edc981c116ff6a743c7d3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LBQOBH5F2ug/WpH6P3btXdI/AAAAAAAABmA/VkJ8CWDj_DUA7UGAfvax9-kEKttcQnDhQCK4BGAYYCw/s200/366a6bfce01edc981c116ff6a743c7d3.jpg" width="167" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><b>TODAY*</b></span></div>
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 14px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><b>Today.</b></span></div>
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><b>Today I wore a dress. </b></span></div>
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><b>Today. </b></span></div>
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><b>Today my lover's kiss </b></span></div>
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><b>Hangs on me -a shift.</b></span></div>
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><b>Dripping-sweat from a glass rim.</b></span></div>
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><b>Landing-sharp leaves from this tree</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small; text-align: center;"><b>Overhead.</b></span></div>
<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>*(This is a short piece I wrote a bit ago)</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Music </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://youtu.be/Lcm9qqo_qB0">Tornado of Souls : Megadeth</a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/JQbjS0_ZfJ0">All The Stars : Kendrick Lamar, SZA</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/I4WGXD-XZsE">Bottle Tops : RITUAL ft. Mononoke</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ntIqkUV7Knc/WpIM8Kh_xPI/AAAAAAAABmc/7An20m9CJxIVtSEUrkqH2cCf2lFDc2bTgCK4BGAYYCw/s1600/69ef2359979221bfd3f019ab615c00cc.gif" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="145" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ntIqkUV7Knc/WpIM8Kh_xPI/AAAAAAAABmc/7An20m9CJxIVtSEUrkqH2cCf2lFDc2bTgCK4BGAYYCw/s200/69ef2359979221bfd3f019ab615c00cc.gif" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="font-family: "helvetica neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center;">
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CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-35060008978035506292017-12-18T19:23:00.002-08:002020-02-23T19:03:09.781-08:00Stranger Feels *Spoilers*<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wmHR0nuds0w/Wjg-4kFyCmI/AAAAAAAABcs/3osEtRnmC245fFR7elq5TokaJQ5nuGtWwCLcBGAs/s1600/2017_11_01_35090_1509522442._large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="911" data-original-width="1360" height="214" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wmHR0nuds0w/Wjg-4kFyCmI/AAAAAAAABcs/3osEtRnmC245fFR7elq5TokaJQ5nuGtWwCLcBGAs/s320/2017_11_01_35090_1509522442._large.jpg" width="320" /></b></a></div>
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<b>I realized that Stranger Things is actually a really nice way to describe feelings. </b></div>
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<b>Especially the hard ones. </b></div>
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<b>I'm going to attempt to share some of these using Stranger Things gifs and pictures for funzies. </b></div>
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<b>Some of them are related to my mental health struggles and others are just because being a 20-something is just fucking awkward.</b></div>
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<b>The following post is an illustration of my own personal feelings and experiences.</b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><u>Foreword:</u></i></span></b></div>
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<b>Because being open about mental health struggles is not about asking for pity or making excuses. I just think more people being open about it can maybe create a supportive loving community of friends and family that can actually help all involved in improving their quality of life and their relationships because many people struggle with these things and hopefully communicating these struggles in a safe place can also be a catalyst for ending stigma and supporting more research on the brain and emotions and holistic treatment options at more accessible and affordable prices or just help keep the dark shit at bay long enough to get professional help for it like:</b></div>
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--aAzY7Pd2dk/Wjg_FRCn-SI/AAAAAAAABe4/3AnF_4TOQycQazG3pcRcrCBP1Nug3yQrwCLcBGAs/s1600/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="254" data-original-width="480" height="105" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--aAzY7Pd2dk/Wjg_FRCn-SI/AAAAAAAABe4/3AnF_4TOQycQazG3pcRcrCBP1Nug3yQrwCLcBGAs/s200/giphy.gif" width="200" /></a></b></div>
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<b>In short I try to be more honest about my struggles because:</b></div>
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hk0R06xGnM8/Wjg_FgAVI0I/AAAAAAAABe8/_CCSpyjPYbY-A_QvG7PJM8DeCtcJdDkNQCLcBGAs/s1600/giphy48.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="241" data-original-width="480" height="160" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hk0R06xGnM8/Wjg_FgAVI0I/AAAAAAAABe8/_CCSpyjPYbY-A_QvG7PJM8DeCtcJdDkNQCLcBGAs/s320/giphy48.gif" width="320" /></a></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><u>The Struggle (Internal):</u></i></span></b></div>
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<b>Depression is all like:</b></div>
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Lxl0IpC2zjw/Wjg_HT2AY0I/AAAAAAAABfM/ofHBHn7Z2dQIorTDX4_rUzBWDCmrSilngCLcBGAs/s1600/oiJEYdD.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="597" height="100" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Lxl0IpC2zjw/Wjg_HT2AY0I/AAAAAAAABfM/ofHBHn7Z2dQIorTDX4_rUzBWDCmrSilngCLcBGAs/s200/oiJEYdD.gif" width="200" /></a></b></div>
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<b>The Constant Battle:</b></div>
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<b> (From left to right)</b></div>
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<b>Giving too many fucks. Can't give a fuck. Don't give a fuck.</b></div>
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Fa8w7wXiExA/Wjg_IdMO7PI/AAAAAAAABfc/be8KmG9fGmYyR-plP73EgR4B9e06lDAogCLcBGAs/s1600/source-2.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="800" height="100" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Fa8w7wXiExA/Wjg_IdMO7PI/AAAAAAAABfc/be8KmG9fGmYyR-plP73EgR4B9e06lDAogCLcBGAs/s200/source-2.gif" width="200" /></a></b></div>
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<b>Trying to hide and not hide all at once.</b></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nmYCE4k1XyI/Wjg-9fRDp-I/AAAAAAAABdc/z85q_bpoWjoncR74hBfFqhFaymHGTK11ACLcBGAs/s1600/Stranger-Things-Season-2-Episode-2-Trick-or-Treat-Freak-Hopper-and-Eleven.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="337" data-original-width="600" height="111" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nmYCE4k1XyI/Wjg-9fRDp-I/AAAAAAAABdc/z85q_bpoWjoncR74hBfFqhFaymHGTK11ACLcBGAs/s200/Stranger-Things-Season-2-Episode-2-Trick-or-Treat-Freak-Hopper-and-Eleven.png" width="200" /></b></a></div>
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<b>A question I ask myself all the fucking time:</b></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-J-keXywl4Ic/Wjg_NIFl06I/AAAAAAAABgQ/BaKdd0CdS5gfkvr_n3A-dWo_Wtar57DlwCLcBGAs/s1600/tumblr_oaixjiy4Nx1sj0kyoo1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="213" data-original-width="500" height="136" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-J-keXywl4Ic/Wjg_NIFl06I/AAAAAAAABgQ/BaKdd0CdS5gfkvr_n3A-dWo_Wtar57DlwCLcBGAs/s320/tumblr_oaixjiy4Nx1sj0kyoo1_500.gif" width="320" /></b></a></div>
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<b>How I feel listening to myself talk about anything most of the time:</b></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-G_nPrWWhF8g/Wjg_Ij4gLmI/AAAAAAAABfg/GIFr_p3VniM_tQzV-UXBOUjeimo64NaYgCLcBGAs/s1600/source.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="281" data-original-width="500" height="111" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-G_nPrWWhF8g/Wjg_Ij4gLmI/AAAAAAAABfg/GIFr_p3VniM_tQzV-UXBOUjeimo64NaYgCLcBGAs/s200/source.gif" width="200" /></b></a></div>
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<b>And often times some prrrrrrretty dark thoughts make my world feel like:</b></div>
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GkT63hCXnnM/Wjg-3DWpW0I/AAAAAAAABcU/IHHdUZgZYXQ5ajvFtQM-uIeJ_KnLESifACLcBGAs/s1600/02_Stranger-Things.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="301" data-original-width="600" height="160" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GkT63hCXnnM/Wjg-3DWpW0I/AAAAAAAABcU/IHHdUZgZYXQ5ajvFtQM-uIeJ_KnLESifACLcBGAs/s320/02_Stranger-Things.gif" width="320" /></a></b></div>
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<b>And you're trying to hide that you're in an extended " I don't want to be here anymore" funk like:</b></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KWPtnAHIXpU/Wjg_AAvWbOI/AAAAAAAABeI/-e3K3WjEuucB6S9XJMVwGDv8ucpk-UH9gCLcBGAs/s1600/eaf7ba9429e8661f33cc6ec681815a97d6b1ee2dfa68af0258f4a52bbe27b93e.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="304" data-original-width="450" height="135" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KWPtnAHIXpU/Wjg_AAvWbOI/AAAAAAAABeI/-e3K3WjEuucB6S9XJMVwGDv8ucpk-UH9gCLcBGAs/s200/eaf7ba9429e8661f33cc6ec681815a97d6b1ee2dfa68af0258f4a52bbe27b93e.gif" width="200" /></b></a></div>
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<b>But sometimes you are taken pleasantly by surprised by something small and simple that makes you feel like life might be an okay thing to stick around for.</b></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5OPRyfad8x0/WjhUvYIIs1I/AAAAAAAABhw/m_X8C-KKxiYUeXqiRISwO2aPltyK_9nAwCLcBGAs/s1600/stranger-things-1-1-2566000-65.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="250" data-original-width="500" height="100" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5OPRyfad8x0/WjhUvYIIs1I/AAAAAAAABhw/m_X8C-KKxiYUeXqiRISwO2aPltyK_9nAwCLcBGAs/s200/stranger-things-1-1-2566000-65.gif" width="200" /></b></a></div>
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<b>And thinking maybe you had a breakthrough but you find yourself just as fucking confused as when you started:</b></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KLsMcSBzflA/WjhYXOMgtjI/AAAAAAAABiA/bZZA45PMHPU_wHl711equEi5Et-9kzExQCLcBGAs/s1600/giphy-87.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="237" data-original-width="480" height="98" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KLsMcSBzflA/WjhYXOMgtjI/AAAAAAAABiA/bZZA45PMHPU_wHl711equEi5Et-9kzExQCLcBGAs/s200/giphy-87.gif" width="200" /></b></a></div>
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<b>Because you can feel The Creeping sliding back in and you are trying not to let it like:</b></div>
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bzfw65vqOaI/WjhUu7ffm_I/AAAAAAAABhs/jsFrGWdwElAIPx0azLEUoOV1axpglBqLQCLcBGAs/s1600/source-3.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="809" height="98" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bzfw65vqOaI/WjhUu7ffm_I/AAAAAAAABhs/jsFrGWdwElAIPx0azLEUoOV1axpglBqLQCLcBGAs/s200/source-3.gif" width="200" /></a></b></div>
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<b>But sometimes the monster gets too close too quickly and you don't have time for their shit but you are barely keeping them away from you like:</b></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-izPG68yhqGI/WjhUudpSwhI/AAAAAAAABho/BMSo_ihaC_csCoy-5D2sxtcPQiI4OpgBwCLcBGAs/s1600/landscape-1472726974-stranger-things-monster.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="240" data-original-width="480" height="100" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-izPG68yhqGI/WjhUudpSwhI/AAAAAAAABho/BMSo_ihaC_csCoy-5D2sxtcPQiI4OpgBwCLcBGAs/s200/landscape-1472726974-stranger-things-monster.gif" width="200" /></b></a></div>
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<b>Meanwhile also giving yourself some "tough-love" and trying not to give-up or whatever like:</b></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2FJhfZ3t4qA/Wjg-4oifc7I/AAAAAAAABco/B8Go6Unz0cgYF78daNqBXFYcl4glflaIwCLcBGAs/s1600/18867876_theres-one-thing-the-duffer-brothers_tc578cd4f.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="340" data-original-width="684" height="99" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2FJhfZ3t4qA/Wjg-4oifc7I/AAAAAAAABco/B8Go6Unz0cgYF78daNqBXFYcl4glflaIwCLcBGAs/s200/18867876_theres-one-thing-the-duffer-brothers_tc578cd4f.gif" width="200" /></b></a></div>
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<b>Because you're also determined to confront yourself and the dark and misty places inside you because you would rather get eaten and die than lie to yourself or steep in self-pity or other freedom-stifling shit like that:</b></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NnOjAUeBIMM/WjhUuSPfblI/AAAAAAAABhk/HRbZHsmjNRkin7cYJTkjWkg4VQQ7qtOKACLcBGAs/s1600/a3IBWVN-1.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="640" height="160" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NnOjAUeBIMM/WjhUuSPfblI/AAAAAAAABhk/HRbZHsmjNRkin7cYJTkjWkg4VQQ7qtOKACLcBGAs/s320/a3IBWVN-1.gif" width="320" /></b></a></div>
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<b>Because it feels fucking good even though it stings like crazy to realize you were wrong about something or realize something you don't like about yourself or where you are because at least now you know so you can try to change so you can maybe not hurt someone or yourself in the same way again. </b></div>
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<b>Because awareness is part of true freedom. </b></div>
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<b>And changing is another part.</b></div>
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<b>And I refuse to settle for a life lived in a cage.</b></div>
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<b>ESPECIALLY if it is one of my own making. </b></div>
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OQCtGagP-08/WjhUv0kzk4I/AAAAAAAABh0/AnLlRwTGrTM8Qv4lPSE_zQMCCV2GdLPIgCLcBGAs/s1600/tumblr_oehk5rwdNc1vfff4oo1_r1_400.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="268" data-original-width="268" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OQCtGagP-08/WjhUv0kzk4I/AAAAAAAABh0/AnLlRwTGrTM8Qv4lPSE_zQMCCV2GdLPIgCLcBGAs/s200/tumblr_oehk5rwdNc1vfff4oo1_r1_400.gif" width="200" /></a></b></div>
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<b>While at the same time trying to figure out the difference between normal and healthy and realizing they aren't exactly directly related and learning to be cool with your harmless quirks and other peoples quirks and living more peacefully in all of it like:</b></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cBbKPCUapzE/Wjg-5uVPF9I/AAAAAAAABdA/ir03_pzGnHMvrzIDPWXCc62urqKdcw6_gCLcBGAs/s1600/80s-netflix-quotes-tv-show-Favim.com-4743158.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="305" data-original-width="610" height="160" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cBbKPCUapzE/Wjg-5uVPF9I/AAAAAAAABdA/ir03_pzGnHMvrzIDPWXCc62urqKdcw6_gCLcBGAs/s320/80s-netflix-quotes-tv-show-Favim.com-4743158.jpeg" width="320" /></b></a></div>
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<b>Then self-loathing boils up in you because you aren't as good and kind and thoughtful and mindful and okay has you want to be and believe in being and you feel like you are just ripping things apart by existing:</b></div>
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-l5T3EazRUm0/Wjg-26aMA7I/AAAAAAAABcM/K8KP7KcCJ-8-BMVjN7AZCfaXRcweusoDQCLcBGAs/s1600/06_Stranger-Things.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="245" data-original-width="600" height="130" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-l5T3EazRUm0/Wjg-26aMA7I/AAAAAAAABcM/K8KP7KcCJ-8-BMVjN7AZCfaXRcweusoDQCLcBGAs/s320/06_Stranger-Things.gif" width="320" /></a></b></div>
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<b>And counseling, reading books about mindfulness, trying to eat well, exercise enough, sleep enough, socialize enough, work hard enough, trying to be vigilant and aware enough and trying to bring that shit all together to make some map that might help you figure out what the fuck is going on feels like:</b></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-As6R0lMSVFY/Wjg-3XaOBpI/AAAAAAAABcQ/OvkECZ8Yfy0x7wZBC3-kT5lXHXttr3QRQCLcBGAs/s1600/12.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="600" height="133" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-As6R0lMSVFY/Wjg-3XaOBpI/AAAAAAAABcQ/OvkECZ8Yfy0x7wZBC3-kT5lXHXttr3QRQCLcBGAs/s200/12.gif" width="200" /></b></a></div>
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<b>But even when you're strugglin' and you still manage to somehow slay at work like:</b></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hwoakYlMoOA/WjhUog2o53I/AAAAAAAABhY/Dayu_c4osY4gzov621Wg02UGYZ31nG66gCLcBGAs/s1600/e9cc35d5-460d-49cb-a5f7-4fd10c9d75d7.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="170" data-original-width="360" height="188" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hwoakYlMoOA/WjhUog2o53I/AAAAAAAABhY/Dayu_c4osY4gzov621Wg02UGYZ31nG66gCLcBGAs/s400/e9cc35d5-460d-49cb-a5f7-4fd10c9d75d7.gif" width="400" /></b></a></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><u>The Struggle (External):</u></i></span></b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>When you're trying to communicate something heavy to someone but also trying to make light of it:</b></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2QrHuk8H_Q8/Wjg-39B2E4I/AAAAAAAABcY/oph7G5QyTdQPnOCnfTTyryZnMiy1yM7iwCLcBGAs/s1600/14bdc47dbfe5e15f89d99d0ed7667477aacb802c_hq.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="270" data-original-width="480" height="112" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2QrHuk8H_Q8/Wjg-39B2E4I/AAAAAAAABcY/oph7G5QyTdQPnOCnfTTyryZnMiy1yM7iwCLcBGAs/s200/14bdc47dbfe5e15f89d99d0ed7667477aacb802c_hq.gif" width="200" /></b></a></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>Then life happens and you have to come clean and tell your friends and family you struggle with MDD and a few other things like:</b></div>
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sVAz-p7PrGI/Wjg-_DVE64I/AAAAAAAABeA/M69vO0ewbUAOZW5p_BFnzAysDpiy4DWLACLcBGAs/s1600/d8e815d0ddbdd201eae86ac98aa53218.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="736" data-original-width="736" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sVAz-p7PrGI/Wjg-_DVE64I/AAAAAAAABeA/M69vO0ewbUAOZW5p_BFnzAysDpiy4DWLACLcBGAs/s320/d8e815d0ddbdd201eae86ac98aa53218.jpg" width="320" /></a></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>While also trying to protect your loved ones from your mind-flayer like:</b></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5JqJcpg5GN8/Wjg_Arp8bdI/AAAAAAAABeM/A69zH_kyNG0jTpY7zEVN4k0vbCxvfKCEQCLcBGAs/s1600/eleven-fighting-demagorgon-and-dr-brenner.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="237" data-original-width="480" height="158" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5JqJcpg5GN8/Wjg_Arp8bdI/AAAAAAAABeM/A69zH_kyNG0jTpY7zEVN4k0vbCxvfKCEQCLcBGAs/s320/eleven-fighting-demagorgon-and-dr-brenner.gif" width="320" /></b></a></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>And the look on her face when your mom connects all the dots and finds out her babiest one "hasn't been doing well" for a very long time is like:</b></div>
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ve0WJlCWo3s/Wjg_Bk7tlQI/AAAAAAAABec/9wbjvE6UypkP1HDYp2PDwTqMRaa3nrlIQCLcBGAs/s1600/giphy-1.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="235" data-original-width="480" height="97" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ve0WJlCWo3s/Wjg_Bk7tlQI/AAAAAAAABec/9wbjvE6UypkP1HDYp2PDwTqMRaa3nrlIQCLcBGAs/s200/giphy-1.gif" width="200" /></a></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>The magical friends that haven't given up on you.</b></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-U-MhqW4r328/Wjg_DbDup3I/AAAAAAAABeo/ZVS_n6c3E0gWjR_oOR6aD89BS_XtABLPgCLcBGAs/s1600/giphy-4.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="270" data-original-width="480" height="112" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-U-MhqW4r328/Wjg_DbDup3I/AAAAAAAABeo/ZVS_n6c3E0gWjR_oOR6aD89BS_XtABLPgCLcBGAs/s200/giphy-4.gif" width="200" /></b></a></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>The friends that supports lipstick, heels, nights out and new experiences as legitimate ways to cheer up like:</b></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vla2PZUE__c/Wjg_E34V3JI/AAAAAAAABe0/fGk278rbCAEu9GZ01sTE0XIjjjNrm5z6QCLcBGAs/s1600/giphy-6.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="237" data-original-width="480" height="98" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vla2PZUE__c/Wjg_E34V3JI/AAAAAAAABe0/fGk278rbCAEu9GZ01sTE0XIjjjNrm5z6QCLcBGAs/s200/giphy-6.gif" width="200" /></b></a></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>When you find the people in your life that still think you're pretty even when you stop hiding all of it from them.</b></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5MNKqUAvCjs/Wjg_M1-0tAI/AAAAAAAABgI/ymMF63cy5JEde2wHWvnkolgIY4-8i_WxwCLcBGAs/s1600/tumblr_oah2lsNuk91vu9f2ho2_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="217" data-original-width="434" height="158" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5MNKqUAvCjs/Wjg_M1-0tAI/AAAAAAAABgI/ymMF63cy5JEde2wHWvnkolgIY4-8i_WxwCLcBGAs/s320/tumblr_oah2lsNuk91vu9f2ho2_500.gif" width="320" /></b></a></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>You trying to believe them like:</b></div>
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-z4ruNwGDL5U/Wjg_NDa0m0I/AAAAAAAABgM/rMBDXDgtOBIH6wqrgJCVl1ctTUf7LreJgCLcBGAs/s1600/tumblr_oah2lsNuk91vu9f2ho4_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="210" data-original-width="460" height="91" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-z4ruNwGDL5U/Wjg_NDa0m0I/AAAAAAAABgM/rMBDXDgtOBIH6wqrgJCVl1ctTUf7LreJgCLcBGAs/s200/tumblr_oah2lsNuk91vu9f2ho4_500.gif" width="200" /></a></b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>Meanwhile you're trying to figure out how to get the fuck out of your upside-down like:</b></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pZHgqMHd1pY/Wjg-7CcGTPI/AAAAAAAABdQ/NN2ee8-F9vgs_z9Mz91m6Z8Ob_T7HTXMgCLcBGAs/s1600/980x.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="239" data-original-width="480" height="99" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pZHgqMHd1pY/Wjg-7CcGTPI/AAAAAAAABdQ/NN2ee8-F9vgs_z9Mz91m6Z8Ob_T7HTXMgCLcBGAs/s200/980x.gif" width="200" /></b></a></div>
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<b>And well-meaning people try to cheer you up like:</b></div>
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jfoq00iW0FQ/Wjg-31T41jI/AAAAAAAABhE/jGDb_wXv4ecZ7vVtRjA87ksq92bNKti7gCEwYBhgL/s1600/1509454546_314_we-gotta-talk-about-bob-in-stranger-things-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="651" data-original-width="625" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jfoq00iW0FQ/Wjg-31T41jI/AAAAAAAABhE/jGDb_wXv4ecZ7vVtRjA87ksq92bNKti7gCEwYBhgL/s320/1509454546_314_we-gotta-talk-about-bob-in-stranger-things-2.jpg" width="305" /></a></b></div>
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<b>(Whoops. Didn't work.)</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>What I'm afraid will happen to my relationships and my life if I give depression all the things it wants because I get too tired to fight it anymore:</b></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XNCPFS6JmLQ/Wjg_LQ3AvVI/AAAAAAAABf4/fC11Ki5gj-0B6OEHpPoQeTxI69_SFgSyQCLcBGAs/s1600/stranger-things.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="538" data-original-width="851" height="201" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XNCPFS6JmLQ/Wjg_LQ3AvVI/AAAAAAAABf4/fC11Ki5gj-0B6OEHpPoQeTxI69_SFgSyQCLcBGAs/s320/stranger-things.jpg" width="320" /></b></a></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>Because:</b></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-v19zLwHNFJQ/Wjg_Gq4fJ0I/AAAAAAAABfE/gpOYdyYyZMoj2uIWWdu6hL3nvs_xEVbEQCLcBGAs/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="150" data-original-width="268" height="177" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-v19zLwHNFJQ/Wjg_Gq4fJ0I/AAAAAAAABfE/gpOYdyYyZMoj2uIWWdu6hL3nvs_xEVbEQCLcBGAs/s320/images.jpeg" width="320" /></b></a></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>All the while m</b><b>y loving friends and family is like:</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ii1d_7CJX5w/Wjg_K5692PI/AAAAAAAABf0/E96yHnrtNfEniwWk3e7wu1rgsNMVov5OQCLcBGAs/s1600/stranger-things-season-2-netflix-3.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="236" data-original-width="480" height="155" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ii1d_7CJX5w/Wjg_K5692PI/AAAAAAAABf0/E96yHnrtNfEniwWk3e7wu1rgsNMVov5OQCLcBGAs/s320/stranger-things-season-2-netflix-3.gif" width="320" /></b></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<u><i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Small Victories (and the aftermath)</span></b><b><span style="font-size: large;">:</span></b></span></i></u></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>Getting to that social event you were anxious about going to/ almost didn't go to because you were anxious about going to it feels like:</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-g6RPCZ9WFAQ/Wjg-_L2WhbI/AAAAAAAABd8/CxPh9CjhTgYv3vuXW-owb_tLqucQkiKqQCLcBGAs/s1600/b7f86006089c757e051762d16fc74db4.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="408" data-original-width="800" height="101" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-g6RPCZ9WFAQ/Wjg-_L2WhbI/AAAAAAAABd8/CxPh9CjhTgYv3vuXW-owb_tLqucQkiKqQCLcBGAs/s200/b7f86006089c757e051762d16fc74db4.gif" width="200" /></b></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>But also leaving part way through said social event because the mental smoke and ashes shit starts happening like:</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0gGBIL9WGKs/Wjg_IOqVc2I/AAAAAAAABfY/_s-TRs7LJi4w0J2sKkwtMyhAev7qtQ8wQCLcBGAs/s1600/source-1.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="301" data-original-width="603" height="99" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0gGBIL9WGKs/Wjg_IOqVc2I/AAAAAAAABfY/_s-TRs7LJi4w0J2sKkwtMyhAev7qtQ8wQCLcBGAs/s200/source-1.gif" width="200" /></b></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>And most of the time playing DnD (Dungeons and Dragons) with my best buds is like:</b></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3VKPjBr32K0/Wjg-6ALjDEI/AAAAAAAABdI/E9-pPwBNfGAY5zFha1UjZpZd_dqZrZzvgCLcBGAs/s1600/81e.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="324" data-original-width="576" height="179" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3VKPjBr32K0/Wjg-6ALjDEI/AAAAAAAABdI/E9-pPwBNfGAY5zFha1UjZpZd_dqZrZzvgCLcBGAs/s320/81e.gif" width="320" /></b></a></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>But sometimes it's like:</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-a-LdKFuceOg/WjhUt5dChJI/AAAAAAAABhc/rykfypDB0No3S4jDfJClmnRGQAtJDYDggCLcBGAs/s1600/ST-S2FT-Will-Saw-A-Shadow.gif.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="338" data-original-width="600" height="179" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-a-LdKFuceOg/WjhUt5dChJI/AAAAAAAABhc/rykfypDB0No3S4jDfJClmnRGQAtJDYDggCLcBGAs/s320/ST-S2FT-Will-Saw-A-Shadow.gif.gif" width="320" /></a></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></b></div>
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<b>And trying to use positive thinking to fight it somedays is like:</b></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8DSOkCI2naw/Wjg_OGATo3I/AAAAAAAABgg/4TEp9RK9_hoobbHtTra0ADp7jJoR_FIGwCLcBGAs/s1600/tumblr_oyxd1oVzNz1spru4no1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="450" height="160" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8DSOkCI2naw/Wjg_OGATo3I/AAAAAAAABgg/4TEp9RK9_hoobbHtTra0ADp7jJoR_FIGwCLcBGAs/s320/tumblr_oyxd1oVzNz1spru4no1_500.gif" width="320" /></b></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><u>Coping Mechanisms:</u></i></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><u> ( The good and the bad and the Unintentional)</u></i></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b>Trying to do things you like and tell your always conflicted brain to fuck-off/</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Trying not to feel guilty about needing to incorporate more self-care time in your life like:</b></div>
<br />
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3EPhetFHELM/Wjg-7_lD46I/AAAAAAAABdU/GBTTbH8zIiwWYiibo6gFmQJ02Jw0l2wegCLcBGAs/s1600/EaQXRWO.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="347" data-original-width="619" height="177" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3EPhetFHELM/Wjg-7_lD46I/AAAAAAAABdU/GBTTbH8zIiwWYiibo6gFmQJ02Jw0l2wegCLcBGAs/s320/EaQXRWO.gif" width="320" /></a></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b>Trying to do things to numb yourself / and or feel something because you just can't get it together and are angry with yourself about it and don't want to deal with it anymore.</b></div>
<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-w5kqqDkvk0c/Wjg-8CrxyjI/AAAAAAAABdY/y8ywhOoxovo9v5grjAcpFTlL55lg5GI5wCLcBGAs/s1600/EjqyyKy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="232" data-original-width="468" height="98" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-w5kqqDkvk0c/Wjg-8CrxyjI/AAAAAAAABdY/y8ywhOoxovo9v5grjAcpFTlL55lg5GI5wCLcBGAs/s200/EjqyyKy.gif" width="200" /></b></a></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>Night in with the bubs and friends watching Supernatural or Harry Potter like: </b></div>
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rYts-t-zyYo/Wjg_OdBHITI/AAAAAAAABgk/wXzacoIezr4urzywfWEWyw2HDUdDtmhNQCLcBGAs/s1600/tumblr_oz7slxNAro1ua7ghpo5_r1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="240" data-original-width="500" height="95" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rYts-t-zyYo/Wjg_OdBHITI/AAAAAAAABgk/wXzacoIezr4urzywfWEWyw2HDUdDtmhNQCLcBGAs/s200/tumblr_oz7slxNAro1ua7ghpo5_r1_500.gif" width="200" /></a></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b>Lord of the Rings:</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_E7DKLti0Ro/Wjhr_ZmdmrI/AAAAAAAABiQ/rAsTRWg5NUc2pZhWGqMJHz6R4NstIMM_QCLcBGAs/s1600/t5sfa0K.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="209" data-original-width="500" height="83" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_E7DKLti0Ro/Wjhr_ZmdmrI/AAAAAAAABiQ/rAsTRWg5NUc2pZhWGqMJHz6R4NstIMM_QCLcBGAs/s200/t5sfa0K.gif" width="200" /></b></a></div>
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<b>(Such Wisdom)</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>Early mornings and COFFEE:</b></div>
<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-G9cDoKUuMN4/Wjh7fYhqW2I/AAAAAAAABik/RWVx4lt9KlIkYE_2d6uDcJpwn9bNkw7nACLcBGAs/s1600/tumblr_oc8jxwRv0D1rey868o1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="251" data-original-width="500" height="100" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-G9cDoKUuMN4/Wjh7fYhqW2I/AAAAAAAABik/RWVx4lt9KlIkYE_2d6uDcJpwn9bNkw7nACLcBGAs/s200/tumblr_oc8jxwRv0D1rey868o1_500.gif" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b>When you just don't want to talk or interact with anyone at all and keep silently wishing you could become invisible but have no good excuses not to interact so you initiate operation "Lame Ass Excuses" like:</b></div>
<br />
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NtvB0wyLBS0/Wjg_Bakg7GI/AAAAAAAABeY/UZPjAvsrMpg7XmdeHA2YHaEU6oszRlaIACLcBGAs/s1600/fdc7479a531f62721c83bf24b7bfdcea6d37378f_00.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="310" data-original-width="268" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NtvB0wyLBS0/Wjg_Bakg7GI/AAAAAAAABeY/UZPjAvsrMpg7XmdeHA2YHaEU6oszRlaIACLcBGAs/s320/fdc7479a531f62721c83bf24b7bfdcea6d37378f_00.gif" width="273" /></a></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b>Sometimes you just start crying about fucking nothing:</b></div>
<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_BbXp7gfSbo/Wjg_CB0aWrI/AAAAAAAABeg/QewlLSmF4T8gy5BC8C18cZf7Ywn5nuIWgCLcBGAs/s1600/giphy-2.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="254" data-original-width="480" height="105" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_BbXp7gfSbo/Wjg_CB0aWrI/AAAAAAAABeg/QewlLSmF4T8gy5BC8C18cZf7Ywn5nuIWgCLcBGAs/s200/giphy-2.gif" width="200" /></b></a></div>
<br />
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<b>Fries are my Eggos:</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uwNdSg-OKVM/Wjh7fVvL8sI/AAAAAAAABio/1zSVgF0ifo0aCH6CYXDZNAJf0eqPF7ynACLcBGAs/s1600/tenor.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="450" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uwNdSg-OKVM/Wjh7fVvL8sI/AAAAAAAABio/1zSVgF0ifo0aCH6CYXDZNAJf0eqPF7ynACLcBGAs/s200/tenor.gif" width="200" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b>Dancing:</b></div>
<br />
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nThY08ZDcJo/Wjg_Hj5qKMI/AAAAAAAABfQ/L5CVDR99IfEdpL0u9vfH47bjCRGr4OEXQCLcBGAs/s1600/original.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="268" data-original-width="268" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nThY08ZDcJo/Wjg_Hj5qKMI/AAAAAAAABfQ/L5CVDR99IfEdpL0u9vfH47bjCRGr4OEXQCLcBGAs/s200/original.gif" width="200" /></a></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b>And sometimes I just want a hug like:</b></div>
<br />
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-F5L8V7TSOwE/Wjg_N8-Y98I/AAAAAAAABgc/bIR_38VlnEIGU1LNPpNkjH7LGVQbJvdkACLcBGAs/s1600/tumblr_oyw6rsYhj11rl53x2o3_r1_1280.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="265" data-original-width="540" height="98" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-F5L8V7TSOwE/Wjg_N8-Y98I/AAAAAAAABgc/bIR_38VlnEIGU1LNPpNkjH7LGVQbJvdkACLcBGAs/s200/tumblr_oyw6rsYhj11rl53x2o3_r1_1280.gif" width="200" /></a></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b>Meanwhile:</b></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b> Still fucking trying:</b></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yxQt_ww63vY/Wjg_Jj_F4XI/AAAAAAAABfs/Krmg2510KwENSxXNcQiTq6hVGgDKXo0igCLcBGAs/s1600/stranger-things-season-2-9-the-gate-eleven-jane-millie-bobby-brown-review-episode-guide-list.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="600" height="160" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yxQt_ww63vY/Wjg_Jj_F4XI/AAAAAAAABfs/Krmg2510KwENSxXNcQiTq6hVGgDKXo0igCLcBGAs/s320/stranger-things-season-2-9-the-gate-eleven-jane-millie-bobby-brown-review-episode-guide-list.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b>And maybe if I don't get too tired out all the trying will lead to:</b></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nZ55qauliNU/Wjg--o6SsWI/AAAAAAAABd4/nQWpQF9uzREjIq9qYKhZAjANeOU1qL1FACLcBGAs/s1600/aee4021157adf6683623edb8d10a3c48.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="408" data-original-width="800" height="160" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nZ55qauliNU/Wjg--o6SsWI/AAAAAAAABd4/nQWpQF9uzREjIq9qYKhZAjANeOU1qL1FACLcBGAs/s320/aee4021157adf6683623edb8d10a3c48.gif" width="320" /></a></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b>And the thought of that is kinda:</b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VTjK1PvKlL0/Wjh7fI8UrnI/AAAAAAAABig/ImUISIZ3sdwzyl9DNZO6F53ng24s-DxrQCLcBGAs/s1600/anigif_sub-buzz-5296-1512411001-3.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="265" data-original-width="540" height="195" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VTjK1PvKlL0/Wjh7fI8UrnI/AAAAAAAABig/ImUISIZ3sdwzyl9DNZO6F53ng24s-DxrQCLcBGAs/s400/anigif_sub-buzz-5296-1512411001-3.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Tunes:</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/-RcPZdihrp4">Stranger Things Theme Song</a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/xMaE6toi4mk">Should I Stay or Should I Go? - The Clash</a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/9zZfBBp-j6I">When It's Cold I'd Like To Die: Moby</a></div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/eFiEb4QOf70?t=5m18s">The Breaking of the Fellowship (In Dreams)- Lord of the Rings Soundtrack</a></div>
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<br /></div>
CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-82211354143673197942017-11-06T12:21:00.004-08:002017-11-06T14:18:18.578-08:00Facing Fears<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">It Helps.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span id="goog_1100076616"></span><span id="goog_1100076617"></span><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-j2cudN3k04A/WgDDQXcicMI/AAAAAAAABTQ/d5y8Z_2ZtiQpCnZVfA5Zk4j5o_7dnRsgwCK4BGAYYCw/s1600/IMG_8656.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-j2cudN3k04A/WgDDQXcicMI/AAAAAAAABTQ/d5y8Z_2ZtiQpCnZVfA5Zk4j5o_7dnRsgwCK4BGAYYCw/s320/IMG_8656.jpg" width="236" /></a></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
And a strong cup of coffee,<br />
Some good friends,<br />
A great book,<br />
A nostalgic Emo-Punk playlist (that is kinda hilarious),<br />
Funny cat videos,<br />
And a brand new tube of Mascara<br />
also helps.<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;"></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://open.spotify.com/user/12101453970/playlist/4ZjGJYhksswgX1afCh8KcA">---> Kinda Hilarious Playlist <--- a=""><br /></---></a></span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XoLFZpIEne8/WgDRlxYmYqI/AAAAAAAABT4/bY81sCqAoUo_r7m5tojVfLZkKTUKzITQwCK4BGAYYCw/s1600/depression-xalt.png.jpeg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="197" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XoLFZpIEne8/WgDRlxYmYqI/AAAAAAAABT4/bY81sCqAoUo_r7m5tojVfLZkKTUKzITQwCK4BGAYYCw/s200/depression-xalt.png.jpeg" width="200" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-83498704981738933402017-10-23T16:29:00.001-07:002017-10-23T16:56:40.192-07:00Words are Hard<div style="text-align: center;">
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Uld0jyPd-eE/We54Scd3JJI/AAAAAAAABNo/vqdxLRCi-IA1uLTRFikyI2_bK0YCZiRZwCK4BGAYYCw/s1600/ffbb88c766a1e54d627ad8e9912a58b7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Uld0jyPd-eE/We54Scd3JJI/AAAAAAAABNo/vqdxLRCi-IA1uLTRFikyI2_bK0YCZiRZwCK4BGAYYCw/s320/ffbb88c766a1e54d627ad8e9912a58b7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
For a while now I have noticed that talking has become more and more difficult over the years. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Physically it can feel difficult because talking loudly is </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
something that is actually very hard for me to do. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It feels too aggressive to me even though I know it isn't. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It just feels too abrasive so it's really hard for me to speak even at a normal volume a lot of the time. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And then when people can't hear me they lean in and then they are really focused on me and then I think I get shy or something and speak even more quietly and then we all laugh about it </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
because then they really can't hear me at all so then I have to (do what feels, mentally, like a clap push-up or a jump squat or sprint or something) to speak loudly enough that they can hear me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's also difficult mentally.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Mostly I just don't want to talk. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It feels like a huge effort to speak. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
To almost anyone.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
About anything.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Even the people I feel closest to.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
99% of the time I just want to not talk anymore.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Just stop.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Not because I'm afraid of what people think of me and the words I say.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Not because I am indifferent towards them.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Not because I'm not interested in what they have to say.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Not because I think words are frivolous.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Not because I don't see the beauty of stories and poetry and imagination.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Not because I think talking is self-indulgent.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Not because I feel negatively towards communicating and connecting.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Not because I don't love listening to others thoughts and dreams etc.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And certainly not because I want to be mysterious or aloof or separate.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I just don't feel the urge to speak all that often. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And if I do I think it is mostly just a learned thing. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A habit.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Because most of the time, as soon as I start speaking about anything, even my favorite cereal or what music I like etc.<br />
I immediately feel bone-tired.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And like mud is sliding from my mouth.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Or like I'm covered in dust.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I just often feel like I am bad at explaining things</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I feel don't need explaining because they change like everything else.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Talking often feels like trying to tie two strands of water together.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It mostly feels pointless.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I can't not talk.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I work at a very social job.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am genuinely interested in connecting deeply with other humans</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I feel not talking would imply I don't care.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(I really do care and love listening and connecting)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It is just hard to express that </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
when I speak my words are meant to be a passing breeze.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Not a planting of trees.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Things are not solid.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They always change.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So saying words seems to solidify things in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Things change and pass and come and go and I feel sometimes</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
words can feel like a hang nail that snags on an otherwise smooth cloth.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Or like a congealing of what is meant to be a free flowing substance.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Most of the time talking about things feels like </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm grabbing at smoke and then trying to hand it to someone else.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I don't know why.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But words are hard.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I still speak.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I know the value of a kind word </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but I also see the truth in a kind deed</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and a comforting gesture.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Pretty words can be spoken</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but the truth is in the living of life.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
For myself</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I hope to live a gentle life.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A kind life.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
To somehow convey in my actions that my intentions are pure</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And that I only want healing and peace and freedom for this world.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A deep freedom.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The freedom of realizing the strength in you is enough.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The strength to know you have fear in you but to try anyway.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Unashamed.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A freedom that leaves kindness and more freedom in it's wake.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A freedom of self-strength and wholeness that is so ingrained that it needs no one else.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But the freedom to choose to be with others anyway.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A love that is born from love</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and not simply an attachment steeped and tied up in fear.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
There is so much much much more to all of this than I want to write about.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But this is a small part of my current thoughts on a few things.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OX5LRxuT4g4/We59b7kas7I/AAAAAAAABOI/TYwQzES5xGU6kKQna6DQ5ufjiZYeWNYMACLcBGAs/s1600/99d7c32dbdce50cbbc5b38b9367dba83-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="693" data-original-width="549" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OX5LRxuT4g4/We59b7kas7I/AAAAAAAABOI/TYwQzES5xGU6kKQna6DQ5ufjiZYeWNYMACLcBGAs/s320/99d7c32dbdce50cbbc5b38b9367dba83-1.jpg" width="253" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So why the blogpost?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Written word is solid too.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
True.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I also need to assure my mother that I'm not dead.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And she reads my blogs.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Hi, mom! I'm not dead!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
Link to a Playlist Called Lately</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
---<a href="https://open.spotify.com/user/12101453970/playlist/7jabzCJpJ7pTu4eARSg9gQ" target="_blank">lifesabitch</a>---<--- p=""><br />
</---></div>
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CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-47435107284634801022017-05-27T13:09:00.000-07:002020-02-28T10:41:28.188-08:00Smoke and Mirrors<div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZOT5L0zfFm4/WSnUf1buPLI/AAAAAAAABDg/9irYEM9PulIoNdDtzBxdGIS7kekJ3GsRACLcB/s1600/smoke%2Band%2Breach.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><img border="0" data-original-height="512" data-original-width="384" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZOT5L0zfFm4/WSnUf1buPLI/AAAAAAAABDg/9irYEM9PulIoNdDtzBxdGIS7kekJ3GsRACLcB/s320/smoke%2Band%2Breach.png" width="240" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>I've been thinking a lot about "selflessness" lately.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>And I've come to the conclusion that, </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>to me anyway, </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>it does not mean becoming bland, or silent, or the same, or nothing. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>I guess to me I see being selfless as just seeing yourself and others and the natural world as interconnected and ever changing with courage. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Recognizing yourself and everything and everyone else trying, learning, coming, going, dying, hurting, asking, walking, breathing, listening, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, unkempt, vibrant and endless </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>just means you start to see less and less space between you and all of it.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Selflessness is just </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>a lessening of the distance.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>I guess I've been trying to lessen the distance by asking questions instead of assuming. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Because I don't think assuming is incredibly helpful.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>So I have been asking questions.</b></span><b style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif;"> </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>And asking questions and truly listening and trying to understand has turned out to be magical.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>In a perfect world the asking of questions can unveil things.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>They can help disillusion and correct your vision to some degree.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Clarity and closeness and courage.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>However, the world is broken to some degree. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>There is a twist in it. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>But in anycase we naturally all see it differently.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>So you may receive false answers to questions honestly asked.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>You may speak the familiar language but the ciphers are different.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>You may honestly answer questions and find they fail to translate correctly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>You may speak as truthfully as you know how to but find out later you were under informed.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>You may act with good intentions but fail.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>You may truly care but cling too tightly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>You may truly care but grasp to lightly.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>You may be somewhere and elsewhere all at once.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Your mind may breathe and sit in open fields while your hands make coffee drinks. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>You can be with someone only to find they are not with you.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>And that's where Grace comes in. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>I use that word because it's my word </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>for the beautiful life that is.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b> Just because.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>It is the giver and the taker.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The balancer.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>It is a forgiver and a teacher. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The change and constancy.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>It is the breathing life.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>But I suppose an important component to loving and forgiving and the seeing with clarity more easily this world is also the loving and forgiving and the searching and the asking of yourself. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>A finding of peace regardless and forgiving yourself </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b> For all the questions you never got or thought to ask.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>For all the questions you were to afraid to ask.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>For even the times you had no idea how to ask. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>For all the answers you gave with such certainty only to find that later they changed. </b></span><br />
<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>For all the time it took.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>For all the time you didn't take.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>To watch the fluidity of you mirrored in another and seeing the rippling people pass through your rippling. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>And know that even though you don't know if it will all be alright in the end or not</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b> but trying not to let that uncertainty harden you or let your fears harm your chances of living fully .</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The grace in</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Taking care but also </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Just letting it go. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Music:</b></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><a href="https://youtu.be/PyGmuxx4wSs" target="_blank">Christmas in the Room: Sufjan Stevens</a></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://youtu.be/ME1gGWsK9rE" target="_blank">Julien Baker : Something</a></span><br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/a66Zm7sy6Mg" target="_blank"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">Billie Eilish : Six Feet Under</span></a></div>
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<br />CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-38705335015771770772017-05-23T22:06:00.003-07:002020-02-23T19:19:49.849-08:00Will and Grace<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It is sitting in the shade</div>
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And squinting into the sunlight.</div>
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(My mom always said that's how you get wrinkles.)</div>
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It is a funny remark </div>
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And the sad truth behind it.</div>
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(I've laughed at the wrong times too.)</div>
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It is the building up</div>
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And the wearing down.<br />
(You'll always want something.)</div>
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It is the holding</div>
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And the letting go.<br />
(Sometimes you have to give the monkey bars a rest to let the blisters heal.)</div>
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It is the trying.</div>
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Just because.</div>
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Music:</div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/caoP4dj2oro" target="_blank">Surrender: Natalie Taylor</a></div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/wCfNRIGA5_A" target="_blank">All I Want: Stonefox</a></div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/iaWgX2kXDUI" target="_blank">Arrow: Stonefox</a></div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/t99ZhG5LEVk" target="_blank">Crowded Places: Banks</a></div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/wBuPxlekt-M" target="_blank">Cowards: Raleigh Ritchie</a></div>
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CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-77859204043654153832017-03-29T13:44:00.000-07:002017-03-29T14:22:19.273-07:00Stranger Thinks<div style="text-align: center;">
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A few months ago I was finally ready to crawl all the way into the hole I'd been preparing for a long time. But I only made it halfway. </div>
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I may have been technically alive but in every other way I was, what I can really only describe as, done. </div>
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And I didn't even want to try to get out of it because I had found a measure of peace in that level of detachment. </div>
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But lately I've had some wonderful opportunities to get to know a few people in my life and have really amazing conversations and have made some really kind and honest connections. And there is also a profound peace in that too. </div>
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I've been dancing a lot. I've been hanging out more with my friends, I've been visiting some new places and going on adventures.</div>
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I've been exploring what I might want to do with my life. </div>
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I'm not going to lie. </div>
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That last one still wrecks me sometimes. </div>
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I think it is just because I forget that I just have to make a choice and move forward and let things unfold and adapt accordingly. But for some reason those decisions can feel like monsters in my chest. But I'm managing to quiet them by remembering:</div>
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A) That hypothetical pitfalls are not the same as real pitfalls. </div>
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B) That I'll never truly be stuck. </div>
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C) To chill the fuck out. </div>
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D) To hug my dog.</div>
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E) To eat cold cereal and read a book. FOR FUN. (I know. I'm a fucking menace.)</div>
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Because, I mean, a lot of life can sort of feel like this:</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Oll8O6_CUrI/WNwYKWQEErI/AAAAAAAABBs/wbjQndr7tdYFKzFGlxwrQTFv44qAjOCowCK4B/s1600/CLte-o1WcAA-ocE.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Oll8O6_CUrI/WNwYKWQEErI/AAAAAAAABBs/wbjQndr7tdYFKzFGlxwrQTFv44qAjOCowCK4B/s320/CLte-o1WcAA-ocE.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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#conflicted.</div>
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I've also realized that while I take responsibility for who I am, who I was, and who I am becoming and the choices I have made, and make, and will make I've been helped by the most amazing and kind people along the way when my choices have not worked out as planned. And I am so grateful. And I can only hope that I communicate that gratitude in someway whether it be saying words or giving back in some measure.</div>
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I've been finding a lot of joy in being a woman and being human. I've been loving being amongst women and men and honest and kind humans who inspire me with their courageous vulnerability. </div>
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I've seen and felt a bit of what self-loathing can do. I've seen glimpses of how much pain loved ones in my life are in. I've seen guilt rip people's minds apart. I've seen it devour their sense of self-worth and have also seen it help them make changes in their life. I have seen anxiety crush them at times. And I know I'm not immune to those feelings either. </div>
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But I think those things can heal. </div>
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Maybe not all the way. </div>
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Maybe not all at once. </div>
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Maybe not all the time. </div>
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Maybe not forever.</div>
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But healing can happen.</div>
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I just wish they could see and know how good they are. How enough they are. They are not deficient or worthless or trapped. They are big, bright souls that I am so grateful to know. </div>
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I'm surrounded by people who grant me the grace of time and patience even when they are dealing with their own turbulent lives. </div>
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I can offer love, listening, dad jokes and dog memes. </div>
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But often times I find I don't have anything to say in response to their words. </div>
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Because sometimes there are no words that can help.</div>
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Or the only words I can think to say seem insufficient. </div>
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But my heart explodes and a hug or standing really close to someone or some other form of appropriate physical affection is all I can give to express that sometimes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm a human. I make coffee drinks for a living. I dance around my house a lot when I'm home alone. I drink too much coffee. I read fantasy novels and books about mindfulness and giggle at weird things sometimes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My life is wild. I know. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
In any case, I'm waking up again. And it's warm outside.<br />
<br />
Music Stuff:<br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/NUC2EQvdzmY">Nobody Speak: DJ Shadow Feat. Run the Jewels</a><br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/UO0i3i-4WYo">Tsar B: Escalate</a><br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/R65s3mPGeQk">Louis the Child: It's Strange</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-63590442381947757762016-12-27T17:14:00.000-08:002020-02-23T19:45:22.494-08:00Homely<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm home sweet home now.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A few people have asked me how it's been going.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I was a bit nervous to come back.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep up socially with the times and people I care about. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I am doing alright actually. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I think.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Granted I'm usually nervous that I'm going to be an awkward idiot or seem disinterested simply because I don't want to pry but I also don't want to look too interested to the point of weirdness.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://31.media.tumblr.com/eff1883ac31418b9e41d897e1a3c1579/tumblr_inline_n2890we1Pr1rkmg0o.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://31.media.tumblr.com/eff1883ac31418b9e41d897e1a3c1579/tumblr_inline_n2890we1Pr1rkmg0o.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm worried I'll ask the wrong questions or say something seemingly off topic but the connection to the current topic makes sense to me etc. (therefore, once again, appearing disinterested and distractible)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://38.media.tumblr.com/27028aa38dd717ae60e9f7404017609b/tumblr_ndyui5UO6y1rg310qo3_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://38.media.tumblr.com/27028aa38dd717ae60e9f7404017609b/tumblr_ndyui5UO6y1rg310qo3_500.gif" height="223" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Or I just end up talking about my dog Ezra a lot. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Because he is cute. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And better with people than I am. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rzACl9nbkDk/WGL58CYtM3I/AAAAAAAAA9E/uhFQGOt8p5QUB_RxeRB2je29ocgolK0_ACLcB/s1600/IMG_6313.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rzACl9nbkDk/WGL58CYtM3I/AAAAAAAAA9E/uhFQGOt8p5QUB_RxeRB2je29ocgolK0_ACLcB/s320/IMG_6313.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Or, </div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
what if I have something on my face?</div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/l0HlyQ09TObkey1ZC/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/l0HlyQ09TObkey1ZC/giphy.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Or what if I revert to a neutral topic by inserting an equally generic phrase into the middle of an awkward pause and ruin everything?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.nerdist.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/cumberbatch-interweb.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.nerdist.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/cumberbatch-interweb.gif" height="144" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And while it is entirely plausible that I can be both awkward and an idiot, that I might have something on my face, that I ask the wrong questions or inadvertently started a fan club for my dog, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it is irrational to think that it matters much since very few people put any amount of thought into reminiscing over past conversations with gentle acquaintances. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So I don't know why I worry so much over it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/55/9e/2a/559e2a598b11d88c613e7aca6eb09571.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="172" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/55/9e/2a/559e2a598b11d88c613e7aca6eb09571.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Overall,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am so grateful for my pup Ezra and his unconditional love for me though.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We go on walks, play fetch, take selfies, eat too much peanut butter, read, watch Gilmore Girls and cuddle.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
At the end of the day I can sometimes (often times) come home feeling like I've totally failed at life and that my communication skills that day were entirely sub-par and I feel an odd filmy sort of dirty from being at work and I smell weird and I'm tired and stressing out about things I said or didn't say etc.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
my Ezra is a bub and a half and greets me with unfeigned excitement and love and he just lets me love him with my whole heart and it's so simple and kind and transparent and whole. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-R0IoQGxwKA8/WGMO27qe9LI/AAAAAAAAA-A/hsdgw-fu89MPCz5a5aHQ21gQglq6wDHpACLcB/s1600/IMG_3765.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-R0IoQGxwKA8/WGMO27qe9LI/AAAAAAAAA-A/hsdgw-fu89MPCz5a5aHQ21gQglq6wDHpACLcB/s320/IMG_3765.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I love being back at Augie's and being able to see my friends regularly :)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i1.wp.com/okmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/tumblr_lwkqyynuqo1qiwgvz_0.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i1.wp.com/okmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/tumblr_lwkqyynuqo1qiwgvz_0.gif" height="200" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I know I over think my social exchanges far too much. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I know I go in to them with broken intuition, good intentions and absolutely hilarious pun jokes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I know it doesn't matter.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
To be honest, there is an immeasurable amount of comfort in knowing I'm not significant or needed or essential etc.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I do not carry the world on my shoulders even if it sometimes feels like it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://media2.giphy.com/media/3o85xt08p2Y0hanhwQ/200_s.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="https://media2.giphy.com/media/3o85xt08p2Y0hanhwQ/200_s.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I am loved by some anyway.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I love others anyway as well.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And that's pretty neat.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://40.media.tumblr.com/7cc8531927add1c7bdc6c1c193db992d/tumblr_nmhhhsyl7z1urw140o1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://40.media.tumblr.com/7cc8531927add1c7bdc6c1c193db992d/tumblr_nmhhhsyl7z1urw140o1_500.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Tunes:<br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/iVBaB-XfeFQ">Mountains- Golden Youth</a><br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/XCvh9531Njg">Chandelier Love- Nathan Reich</a><br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/UnqH3mjly4g">Cherry Blossoms- Night Beds</a><br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/2KLyeANOphQ">Healer (feat. Jean Deaux): Mick Jenkins</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-3623398337725494382016-11-30T07:33:00.000-08:002016-11-30T12:28:15.601-08:00Much Ado About Nothin'<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-onOOs3Q7my8/WD7XmVTNnpI/AAAAAAAAA6E/xtUQVIPnvxIHf1-mrc2W87AGRdiEStpCwCLcB/s1600/IMG_4535.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-onOOs3Q7my8/WD7XmVTNnpI/AAAAAAAAA6E/xtUQVIPnvxIHf1-mrc2W87AGRdiEStpCwCLcB/s320/IMG_4535.JPG" width="230" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
If there is anything I have learned in my life, it is †hat I know nothing, because I don't know everything.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It is very hard to look out at a world you only want to make better and safer but knowing you will add your share of pain to it as well.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's painful to know that with life and the world the way it is I can only ever, if I'm lucky, do more good than harm in this world, even though I don't want to harm it at all.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I don't truly understand anything fully but I know that </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
everything is connected somehow.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I know good intentions are not enough.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I also know that fear is death.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Just because I don't understand this world and the people in it or my place in it etc. doesn't mean that I shouldn't still try to be truly kind.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
To Listen.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
To See.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So I will keep trying to do the best I can in the best way I know how.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Even if it's two steps forward and one step back.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It may seem like slow going, but that's alright.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'll keep trying to do more good than harm in my life anyway.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And maybe that's a thing close to hope.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NEAx-cXNr28/WD7tFU1FEXI/AAAAAAAAA8g/mPwQx2OzVH4H3l-LuVPZULsS7OOlJvrCgCLcB/s1600/246ae162fd49c394c73b4dd22d0564d6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NEAx-cXNr28/WD7tFU1FEXI/AAAAAAAAA8g/mPwQx2OzVH4H3l-LuVPZULsS7OOlJvrCgCLcB/s320/246ae162fd49c394c73b4dd22d0564d6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Music:<br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/w0VaGbkzQZ8">Alps- Novo Amor</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/XbWK3O8Z6rI">Emmay- I Can't Carry You</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/OdrSSRYgfVk">Heavy- Birdtalker</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/Ve3YGdG2Qok">Oceans Brawl- Couer De Pirate</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/GQDrEzUjXts">Mother- Moglii</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/6z_vyFDP0j0">Your Love is an Island- Talos</a></div>
CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-82908760019107259192016-09-11T12:11:00.001-07:002020-02-23T19:41:36.354-08:00Life Lessens<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UXAYYT23YWM/V9WpceXQKWI/AAAAAAAAA5I/PJtWGUcu-PMzEAcQ2PvJZRVqze1sd8h-gCK4B/s1600/tumblr_nsnxuplUaV1qc91i1o1_540.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UXAYYT23YWM/V9WpceXQKWI/AAAAAAAAA5I/PJtWGUcu-PMzEAcQ2PvJZRVqze1sd8h-gCK4B/s320/tumblr_nsnxuplUaV1qc91i1o1_540.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
<br />
When I first got to Michigan I started to freak out a bit about the geographical isolation. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And how "little" there was to do. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Now I'm done freaking out. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's actually really nice not being surrounded by anything except trees and a horde of wild turkeys.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And the rain is magical.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've spent more than one grey, rainy day huddled on the couch in my PJ's reading (or watching Teen Wolf) with a mug of coffee or tea and my dog curled up next to me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Also, I have realized that living alone is actually something I really enjoy.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
More than enjoy. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
LOVE.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Not because I dislike people.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But because, for the most part, I can have a vibrant and productive work and social life, be out and about, talk to people, travel etc. and know that when I go home it will be just me and quiet and my dog. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(And of course having a bit of land to plant a garden and sit outside with Ezra while he insists on being his over-large lap-dog self and drooling all over me.)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I'm still a twenty something who doesn't plan on settling down and having children anytime soon so living alone seems plausible and totally amazing. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Seriously, home is my jam. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I've realized my solitude is deeply, deeply needed.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
More than I can express really.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
In other news:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
Watermelon is delicious here.<br />
*Correction: All the fresh produce here is insanely delicious.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Also, I've learned that any coffee can taste palatable with enough almond milk in it and if consumed at high speeds.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Also I have realized I love Tai Chi.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Also yoga doesn't feel like a slow and agonizing stretch of a mind-numbingly boring death anymore.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(Every time I do yoga though my dog is pretty sure I'm dying so he comes over and puts his big head under my arms and pushes me up and pats me with his feet until I assure him I'm alive.)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Needless to say he is not a fan of this "yoga." </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
However, his "downward dog" is phenomenal.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He's a natural.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(Ti Chi just seems to confuse him. But he is kind enough to pretend not to notice my hapless flailing about in my hopeless attempt at being gracefully Chi-full.)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(Often all I'm thinking about when I do Tai Chi is if I would be an Airbender or a Waterbender. I'm partial to Airbending. I can be flighty.)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I also have fallen back into the habit of reading insane amounts.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I am SO happy about it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I finally feel like I am remembering what it feels like to not be so distractable.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Consequently, I have managed to find a (two-story) Barnes and Noble. (Yeah. I know.)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And, consequently, I still managed to spend too much money there.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Fun Facts:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Also, while reading, I finally discovered how far a "league" is distance wise.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's four miles.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So then I suddenly realized,<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://tribzap2it.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/tumblr_lrqlqfprcj1qe1yb5o1_400.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://tribzap2it.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/tumblr_lrqlqfprcj1qe1yb5o1_400.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
" Holy shit. That means Eomer and his warrior buddies and their noble steeds could have been somewhere around 1200 miles from Helms Deep when Gandalf went to find them. Which makes it even more impressive that they arrived there on the first light of the fifth day." </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/VHngktboAlxHW/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/VHngktboAlxHW/giphy.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
#gandalfthebadass</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I also have been listening to a mythology podcast and found out:<br />
Hercules was a real jerk,<br />
Flying Buddha's can be goblins in disguise,<br />
Hera has a weird sense of justice,<br />
Don't trust jealous Centaurs that offer you their blood-soaked cloaks,<br />
Being a boulder can be cooler than being the sun (obviously),<br />
And that King Arthur's brother Kay was not actually all that bad.<br />
Also, apparently King Arthur was still beardless at, like, 22 and all the other guys wanted to dethrone him because of it.<br />
(Never mind that he, you know, pulled a magical Human-Hacker from a big stone. And then flirted with some scaley wench in a pond for another fancy Apple-Peeler.)<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Also, did you know Pavlov actually removed the salivary glands from inside his dogs mouths and sewed them, instead, on the outside of their cheeks so gathering their saliva was easier? </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Yikes.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I randomly sink into the notion of dropping off the face of the world, erasing all my social media and living with my dog in the woods and growing stuff and playing the cello and drawing plants and learning medicinal uses for said plants and raising animals.<br />
However, the peace I find in connecting with other human beings in small and meaningful ways is too profound to give up entirely.<br />
Balance, I guess.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
All of this to say that one of my best friend gave me some tough love that I really needed and helped me snap out of a funk.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So I've been adventuring again.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And that adventure has looked like, drinking hot tea, hanging with my dog and family, going to Barnes and Noble, trying coffee shops, reading a ton, running, watching Teen Wolf and Mr. Robot, learning a bunch, loving Lord of the Rings and totally sucking at the whole drawing thing. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I've been realizing that whatever I do in the future I need to incorporate a lot more alone-time than I was a few months ago. And to also stop apologizing for needing my alone time.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I thought there was less to do here.<br />
Turns out there are just less distractions.<br />
So now I'm going to try to learn how to be far less distractible even in places with copious amounts of stimuli all around.<br />
Oh boy.<br />
<br />
<br />
Tunes:<br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/fQeLjHklVwI">Doe Paoro: The Wind</a> ( AWESOME Music video)<br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/GyYUZMEE0x8">Vancouver Sleep Clinic: Lung</a><br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/1J5wT9HnIho?list=RD1J5wT9HnIho">Memoirs of a Geisha: Sayer's Theme</a><br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/K9jDlB1gjgw">Ólafur Arnalds - Þú Ert Jörðin</a><br />
<br /></div>
CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-75151905014061707462016-08-29T13:35:00.001-07:002016-08-29T13:35:09.096-07:00Michigan Impossible<div style="text-align: center;">
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As you might know, I'm taking a bit of a break in Michigan.<br />
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<a href="https://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/359/a6343360-f9ff-0132-4f9e-0ec273752cbd.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/359/a6343360-f9ff-0132-4f9e-0ec273752cbd.gif" width="163" /></a></div>
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So I've been trying to keep a low profile.</div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/1ecRID74uAe5i/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/1ecRID74uAe5i/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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But I think they know I'm just another awkward selfie-taking 20 something.</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xpBnDbExTm4/V78bpJn_TEI/AAAAAAAAA2A/ZO8GB7T9GosGKJtqtwlQCUMSOisUGbQ5QCLcB/s1600/selfie.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xpBnDbExTm4/V78bpJn_TEI/AAAAAAAAA2A/ZO8GB7T9GosGKJtqtwlQCUMSOisUGbQ5QCLcB/s320/selfie.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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Oh yeah,</div>
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I live next to a place called "Knotty Pines."<br />
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<a href="https://d37nk263jfz2p8.cloudfront.net/image/uploads/comments/136e0ceb329c7adb93ccc5928bd595ac.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://d37nk263jfz2p8.cloudfront.net/image/uploads/comments/136e0ceb329c7adb93ccc5928bd595ac.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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Oh good. </div>
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I live next to a forest with behavioral issues.</div>
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<a href="http://media.tenor.co/images/02d4c53710e36d949b10a05a245cfbc0/raw" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://media.tenor.co/images/02d4c53710e36d949b10a05a245cfbc0/raw" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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Also,</div>
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It seems to rain here whenever I decide to go on a walk.</div>
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<a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/9a/32/a9/9a32a999f81c7edb3266d64f6427e3c4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/9a/32/a9/9a32a999f81c7edb3266d64f6427e3c4.jpg" /></a></div>
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Just kidding.<br />
It's like this.</div>
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<a href="http://img.pandawhale.com/120425-Kuzco-sad-crying-llama-gif-rai-vKr8.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://img.pandawhale.com/120425-Kuzco-sad-crying-llama-gif-rai-vKr8.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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So what is there to do in The-Middle-of-Nowhere-Michigan you ask?</div>
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Well,</div>
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<a href="http://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mc8wucb4Xv1rrcahvo1_250.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mc8wucb4Xv1rrcahvo1_250.gif" /></a></div>
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I get crawled on by at least one bug,</div>
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<a href="http://33.media.tumblr.com/480b5c2b0f9b12577caa2e29099893d2/tumblr_inline_mq3mrk9O7W1qz4rgp.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://33.media.tumblr.com/480b5c2b0f9b12577caa2e29099893d2/tumblr_inline_mq3mrk9O7W1qz4rgp.gif" height="177" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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Then I make a considerable effort to keep up with the times. </div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/22100000/Dwight-Schrute-gifs-dwight-schrute-22118348-500-244.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/22100000/Dwight-Schrute-gifs-dwight-schrute-22118348-500-244.gif" height="195" width="400" /></a></div>
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I've even been attempting to walk on the treadmill while watching Netflix.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://emmalwicker.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/treadmill.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="181" src="https://emmalwicker.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/treadmill.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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Then, </div>
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<br /><a href="http://67.media.tumblr.com/f5e05e179a4bf4ad9e0dee7e6fb37498/tumblr_inline_mwl5busa3M1reausy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://67.media.tumblr.com/f5e05e179a4bf4ad9e0dee7e6fb37498/tumblr_inline_mwl5busa3M1reausy.gif" /></a></div>
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Even stacking wood and rocks can be fun if you're desperate enough.</div>
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<a href="http://24.media.tumblr.com/2de5d094e788ad20709c2c27b5f91376/tumblr_mmiffg1MmG1rbgu1so1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://24.media.tumblr.com/2de5d094e788ad20709c2c27b5f91376/tumblr_mmiffg1MmG1rbgu1so1_500.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
But eventually, </div>
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<a href="https://natsci.msu.edu/_natsci/assets/File/students/blog/office-no-idea-what-to-do.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="183" src="https://natsci.msu.edu/_natsci/assets/File/students/blog/office-no-idea-what-to-do.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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Now, I love the quiet but when I am in the nearest town trying to remember how to say words to other people things can get a little dicey.</div>
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<a href="http://starecat.com/content/wp-content/uploads/cat-wearing-shoes-fail.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://starecat.com/content/wp-content/uploads/cat-wearing-shoes-fail.gif" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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So I've had to learn to improvise.</div>
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<a href="http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/vampirediaries/images/1/16/Urkel.gif/revision/latest?cb=20130309034454" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/vampirediaries/images/1/16/Urkel.gif/revision/latest?cb=20130309034454" /></a></div>
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I eventually get my point across and they hand me a coffee.</div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/e4uG83tGjWDiE/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/e4uG83tGjWDiE/giphy.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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But it could be worse.</div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/o3VPW4lUstLpu/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/o3VPW4lUstLpu/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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Moral of this story?</div>
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CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-59833260631096037012016-07-06T14:59:00.000-07:002016-07-06T17:09:14.211-07:00Finding Piece<div dir="ltr">
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3Kn_NhVqi9Y/V3ycHCS-_cI/AAAAAAAAAx8/HdwtW6P11Ygm1yudxLZP4T1hE1UQqfVXACLcB/s1600/IMG_9880.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3Kn_NhVqi9Y/V3ycHCS-_cI/AAAAAAAAAx8/HdwtW6P11Ygm1yudxLZP4T1hE1UQqfVXACLcB/s320/IMG_9880.jpg" width="313"></a></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">I decided to just go ahead and post a piece I wrote a few years ago. </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br></span></div>
</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> I only really share things like this with a (very) few people. These days I don't get around to writing short stories and poetry and stuff as much as I used to. But when I come across old things I've written I remember I used to write, not just to figure things out but just to play around. It makes me remember how much fun it is to play with words.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And play in my own world.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">My inner life/world may be hypothetical and fantastical but it's a place where it's always dusk, dawn or the blue hour. There is always coffee and tea and cereal. A place where my sweaters are big and my beverage temperature is always just right. A place with a cozy chair and a big, huge window looking out on a wheat field or a green forest or lake. And there is a good book and/or close friend next to me. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">(It's also a world in which I am a badass Cellist. And a world where I can dance really well and my archery skills match those of Legolas. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">And I'm always barefoot. )</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">(For some reason I don't like to wear shoes in my day dreams.) </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">(That might be the (Tolkien) Elvish influence in my life manifesting itself.)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">And a place where I have many animal companions. (I'm beginning to think I might be Radagast.)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> And at least one of my animal companion happens to be a Dire wolf. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Or Dire Pit-bull.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">I'm not picky.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">All in all it's </span>a pretty swell place to vacation. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">I'm just sayin'. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sometimes I forget how essential deliberately spending time being creative is for my well-being. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And also Blues. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And Jazz. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And movies.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And books.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And animals.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And dancing. </div><div style="text-align: center;">And sleep.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I dig that shit. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I need more of it in my life.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">I can't say I'm not shy about posting this piece. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Because I am. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">But I guess a really great thing about being really, really tired is that it gives me a chance to make peace with my life and myself.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> And it makes me numb enough to post things like this because what's the use in worrying about it? </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So I guess I'll consider this an exercise in breaking my own rules.</div>
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I've never really liked rules anyway. </div>
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</div>
<div class="gmail_extra">
<div class="gmail_quote">
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<div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><b>Here Lies Mr. Oliver (Joe “King” Oliver)</b></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Champagne bubbles like sputtering coals and the chinking high pitched ding of crystal cups and laughing words drip from the ceiling and shatter on his shoulders. He walks outside. Lines hang like cobwebs on his face. Steam is rising from a grate on the ground. The lamp light spreads out – a halo. So he slips away.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">
<i style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Cotton wood seeds fall on the crackling paper under his hot wooden hand, his pen – striking the flint. His words sizzle and pop. With a note the trees begin to smoke. </i></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i></i><br></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> There is a cemetery across town. He seeps through the gate and sees the silver stones shine with burnt letters. He sees that old statue with Her arm resting under her chin. He walks around her and tells his little story. Then he slips away. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">
<i style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It is thick like the big red trees. It whispers –smoke rings that drift. It hangs like mussels on a ship. And always dripping away under ground. Sharp as the Liberty Crown. Shifting like the fickle clouds.</i></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i></i><br></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">He laughs. His breath is damp. So it clumps up. And slips away.</span></div>
</div>
</div>
</blockquote>
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<br>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Music (of the "current" sort) that I've been swimming in lately:</div>
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<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/t2NgsJrrAyM" target="_blank">Sia : Alive</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/viimfQi_pUw" target="_blank">Billie Eilish: Ocean Eyes</a></div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/ZYo35XhQo_U" target="_blank">Corbin: Worn</a></div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/Fghk49e0Yis?list=RDrh7qikFginI" target="_blank">The Japanese House: Sister</a></div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/3kVVn80pFOc" target="_blank">Ed Sheeran : The Parting Glass</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/-vsVaYLQptw" target="_blank">W. Darling : Hunting Happiness</a></div>
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</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/cbuUTV-6Xzk" target="_blank">Made in Heights: All the Places</a></div>
<br></div>
</div>
CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-59723616586390086332016-06-24T17:02:00.000-07:002016-06-24T17:07:56.497-07:00Getting Schooled 2.0<div style="text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">COFFEE</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/Y5fnH9N1jnafu/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" height="175" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/Y5fnH9N1jnafu/giphy.gif" width="400" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When I remember it is Sunday and I have to go back to school the next day.</span></b></div>
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<a href="https://rtdmgb.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/tumblr_inline_mghn6jviqb1rwcy4q1.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://rtdmgb.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/tumblr_inline_mghn6jviqb1rwcy4q1.gif" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When I ignore that fact as long as humanly possible</span></b></div>
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<a href="http://likegif.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/crying-gif-20.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" src="http://likegif.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/crying-gif-20.gif" height="133" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When I look at all the homework I have to do</span></b></div>
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<a href="http://static1.gamespot.com/uploads/original/1542/15427321/2784249-0657777742-4jaPK.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" src="http://static1.gamespot.com/uploads/original/1542/15427321/2784249-0657777742-4jaPK.gif" height="221" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When I get half of my homework done</span></b></div>
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<a href="http://cdn.playbuzz.com/cdn/812ff861-5e39-403c-899c-9e6e33e7d36c/d5504a1c-f8e2-4028-96f6-6b038180e644.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn.playbuzz.com/cdn/812ff861-5e39-403c-899c-9e6e33e7d36c/d5504a1c-f8e2-4028-96f6-6b038180e644.gif" height="232" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When I look at all the homework I still have to do</span></b></div>
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<a href="https://d.gr-assets.com/hostedimages/1380222758ra/595512.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" height="176" src="https://d.gr-assets.com/hostedimages/1380222758ra/595512.gif" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When I see people reading books for fun.</span></b></div>
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<a href="https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/enhanced/webdr03/2013/6/12/20/anigif_enhanced-buzz-19792-1371082039-7.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" height="147" src="https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/enhanced/webdr03/2013/6/12/20/anigif_enhanced-buzz-19792-1371082039-7.gif" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Just kidding. I still read books for fun.</span></b><br />
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<a href="http://images.htcampus.com/cmsmedia/uploads/ckeditor/giphy%205.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" src="http://images.htcampus.com/cmsmedia/uploads/ckeditor/giphy%205.gif" height="170" width="400" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Lord of the Rings</span></b></div>
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<a href="http://cdn2.crushable.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Shia-LaBeouf-Laughing.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn2.crushable.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Shia-LaBeouf-Laughing.gif" height="179" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I get chatty when I'm tired</span></b></div>
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<a href="https://stupidcupidblog.files.wordpress.com/2014/07/banter.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://stupidcupidblog.files.wordpress.com/2014/07/banter.gif" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Or I get disturbingly listless and confused when I study for too long</span></b></div>
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<a href="https://d.gr-assets.com/hostedimages/1437871183ra/15639427.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://d.gr-assets.com/hostedimages/1437871183ra/15639427.gif" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What I feel like when my classmates and I are at the hospital in our uniforms</span></b></div>
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<a href="http://seveninchesofyourtime.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/marypoppins11.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" src="http://seveninchesofyourtime.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/marypoppins11.gif" height="128" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">After first/second/third/fourth day of clinical</span></b><br />
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<a href="https://az616578.vo.msecnd.net/files/2016/05/03/6359789184341243231630796546_635977364971857189-526029957_i%2520do%2520have%2520egg%2520in%2520my%2520crocs.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" height="190" src="https://az616578.vo.msecnd.net/files/2016/05/03/6359789184341243231630796546_635977364971857189-526029957_i%2520do%2520have%2520egg%2520in%2520my%2520crocs.gif" width="400" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Before my midterm</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<a href="http://www.viralthread.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/giphy-15.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" src="http://www.viralthread.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/giphy-15.gif" height="140" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The "BEST" answer</span></b><br />
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<a href="https://cschlecht.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/brave-gif.gif?w=490" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="https://cschlecht.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/brave-gif.gif?w=490" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">After my midterm</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<a href="http://media.giphy.com/media/13NjrthWrBPYfm/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://media.giphy.com/media/13NjrthWrBPYfm/giphy.gif" height="180" width="320" /></a></div>
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">After class on Thursday (It's my "Friday"):</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What I should do:</span></b><br />
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<a href="https://rtdmgb.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/tumblr_m9ab0nfdzk1r1mtsdo1_4001.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://rtdmgb.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/tumblr_m9ab0nfdzk1r1mtsdo1_4001.gif" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What I actually do:</span></b></div>
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<a href="http://66.media.tumblr.com/34d295ad3071d5e7493a3fb6e29ede9a/tumblr_nv5eo1mYQ21s9a7f0o2_250.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" src="http://66.media.tumblr.com/34d295ad3071d5e7493a3fb6e29ede9a/tumblr_nv5eo1mYQ21s9a7f0o2_250.gif" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Because I think I have forgotten how to life:</span></b><br />
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<a href="http://memesvault.com/wp-content/uploads/Laughing-Then-Crying-Gif-Tumblr-15.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" src="http://memesvault.com/wp-content/uploads/Laughing-Then-Crying-Gif-Tumblr-15.gif" height="240" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">During Lecture</span></b><br />
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<a href="http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2015/news/151123/shia-lebouf-1-800.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" src="http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2015/news/151123/shia-lebouf-1-800.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">During Labs</span></b><br />
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<a href="http://static5.comicvine.com/uploads/scale_super/10/104995/5227854-5631305949-TnQRX.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" src="http://static5.comicvine.com/uploads/scale_super/10/104995/5227854-5631305949-TnQRX.gif" height="180" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">During Study Time</span></b><br />
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<a href="https://m.popkey.co/5110f4/MANW6.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" height="205" src="https://m.popkey.co/5110f4/MANW6.gif" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Finals are next week.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b>
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<a href="http://66.media.tumblr.com/7b3d90929afca34fc33d1cd031c747d7/tumblr_mp8aegAWWT1qa70eyo1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" src="http://66.media.tumblr.com/7b3d90929afca34fc33d1cd031c747d7/tumblr_mp8aegAWWT1qa70eyo1_500.gif" height="241" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Sometimes I become irrationally irritated with my alarm.</span></b><br />
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<a href="http://images.iimg.in/c/a/57147836c45d32c1ee8b45d3-1-500-0-1460960301/465459772997571477a4c80d2.gif?abs=1" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" src="http://images.iimg.in/c/a/57147836c45d32c1ee8b45d3-1-500-0-1460960301/465459772997571477a4c80d2.gif?abs=1" height="179" width="320" /></span></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Keeping up with all the "real world" stuff I'm still expected to do</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Huh?</span></b></div>
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<b style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">But even if I do sleep things get weird</b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Studying:</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">How I think I look on the outside</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">How I actually look.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My blog-writing process: </span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When people ask me what I am going to do on the two-week break I have coming up</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">How I am staying positive</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">How I feel about all of it thus far?</span></b><br />
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<br />CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-3681691967893304912016-05-21T09:20:00.000-07:002016-05-21T12:16:04.410-07:00Achilles Heal. <div style="text-align: center;">
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I've been thinking a lot about pain and listening.<br />
Talking about pain is pretty normal in class and it is always interesting to hear stories and gain new perspectives. And I have the opportunity to share a bit in class but also I have an opportunity to just sit and listen to stories in class. Just listen. And it's nice. I was talking to my best friend Jess and I have been realizing that lately I've been pretty content and I feel pretty peaceful even though school is really stressful at times. It's a fulfilling stressful. I spend a lot of my day learning about how to help people and then spend the rest of it seeing how I can implement those things in my normal everyday life.<br />
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The other day I was able to talk to one of my classmates for a bit and it was nice to have a conversation where neither of us were ashamed of where we came from or where we are or who we are. And both of us were truly grateful for an opportunity to visit the other's world. It was a fearless conversation. With a balance of letting go and reaching out. Trust. Maybe that is what it was that was there. Not just a trust in each other but also a trust in ourselves and our worth as individuals and a trust in our inner strength and our ability to choose peace even though our trust has been misplaced in the past. </div>
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To recognize that painful things happen but they don't have power over you.</div>
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That it is never too late to change course.<br />
That just the small act of truly being present with someone and reaching out to them creates a small space of quiet. Maybe not actual quiet. Because life can be loud. But the noise doesn't have to get in the way.<br />
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I've also gotten a little better at letting go of things.<br />
I still get confused and upset and hurt and sad and excited and confused again etc.<br />
But I've been practicing letting go and it's really helpful.<br />
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I've realized that in order to better understand others I need to not only give love but also be open to receiving it. Not just an outpouring of love but an influx of it too.<br />
Like if my heart were a house It would be a place where people can come and go as they please and it would be peaceful whether I was alone or if other people were there.<br />
To have a few extra chairs set up for others but to be content if no one visits that day.<br />
All the while knowing the risks of being so open.<br />
But being open anyway.<br />
A house where you can talk or not talk.<br />
A home without fear.<br />
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I've been realizing more and more that my life goal is not happiness.<br />
It's wholesomeness. It's about being honest.<br />
It's not about being perfect.<br />
It's no longer about being afraid of all the "negative" emotions like anger and sadness and pain. But accepting them and being kind to myself and others when they arise. I don't mean becoming volatile and unstable. I do not think it is healing or kind to take out your emotions on another person or even yourself. I just feel that a lot of pain comes from fear. And I am tired of being afraid of my emotions. And I was afraid that opening up old doors and not only recognizing what I was feeling but also admitting it and embracing it in a kind way would hurt.<br />
And it does.<br />
But that's okay.<br />
It is not bad to feel angry or sad. It happens. I decided instead to use that anger and sadness to pinpoint the pain that was it's source by using them as guides and following them kindly and patiently to where they lead me. And once I started doing that I realized that negative emotion aren't bad if they are used to help heal. And it may sound odd and maybe I am going crazy with all of my studying and the copious amounts of time I seem to spend alone in my books and wading through medical terminology and Thich Nhat Hanh books but I think that negative emotions are just the messengers for pain. And yeah, "well duh." But it's not the realization that those negative emotions stem from pain that is what I discovered lately. It is that I discovered I can use those emotions to heal myself because I can find the deep hurts causing my negative emotions and work towards healing them and becoming whole. It is a nice thing to realize that I don't have to "conquer" my emotions.<br />
But that I can be kind to all of them.<br />
And it's interesting how negative emotions crop up less and less the more healing that takes place. <br />
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It's nice to have more time to spend with happiness and peace because anger and sadness and hurt aren't showing up on my doorstep in the middle of second-breakfast all the time.<br />
That they are healing.<br />
That I am healing.<br />
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I don't know much but I know that being afraid has never led me to good ends.</div>
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I don't know much but I know that what I know now can and will change.</div>
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I don't know much but I know that I don't have to be afraid or ashamed of that.</div>
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I don't know much but I know I have right now.</div>
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">And right now?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;"> Is the perfect time for another adventure.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">Song Section: </span></div>
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">Because music says it better than I can.</span></div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/rTlqY9i7Gn4?list=RDrTlqY9i7Gn4" target="_blank">Kiiara "Feels"</a><br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/dv91z2aug-Q" target="_blank">Vancouver Sleep Clinic "Aftermath"</a><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwBQMHk6rpg" target="_blank">Signal Hill "The Dead Vineyard"</a></div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/Mq86e4Fhja0" target="_blank">India.Arie "Video"</a><br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/TolHm9GLL4k" target="_blank">Deb Talan "Comfort"</a><br />
<a href="http://signalhill.bandcamp.com/track/afternoon-lull" target="_blank">Signal Hill "Afternoon Lull"</a></div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/82CDBnk9KPI" target="_blank">Saturday Sun " I Want a Life For You"</a></div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/xXnIMKceHkk" target="_blank">Jake Bugg " Simple as This"</a></div>
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CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-57139320054765522282016-04-23T20:26:00.000-07:002016-04-23T20:26:23.541-07:00Getting Schooled (Part I)<div style="text-align: center;">
I started nursing school.</div>
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At first I underestimated how much homework I would have. </div>
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Then I realized.</div>
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And at first I was all like</div>
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But after a few days </div>
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So the first two weeks I felt like if I laughed too hard I would start to cry.</div>
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But I like to think I'm still keeping' it real.</div>
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<a href="https://media.serious.io/d97f57df19f5af2c/serious.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" src="https://media.serious.io/d97f57df19f5af2c/serious.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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Also, what is sleep?</div>
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When your instructor says, "You have a quiz on Monday" they actually mean:</div>
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But I still think I overestimate what is at stake when I take a quiz.</div>
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And after being at school and doing homework for hours I try to talk to people like everything is fine. </div>
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<a href="http://www.allgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/pass-out.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.allgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/pass-out.gif" height="179" width="320" /></a></div>
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So when I am socially awkward, I just sort of go with it.</div>
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So my flirting game is obviously also on point.</div>
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Now, I've come to the conclusion that the positively inclined numbness I feel towards all the work and tests I have to do may be what some would call being, "determined."</div>
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But I'm still uncertain if it is "determination" I feel or if I am just drinking too much coffee. Or if I'm just in denial.</div>
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And as of right now I LOVE nursing school. And I am hopeful that I'll continue to love it. </div>
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I just have to stay positive</div>
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And balanced.</div>
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And keep remembering,</div>
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I love you guys.</div>
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<br />CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-74969373722959741032016-03-23T09:37:00.001-07:002016-03-23T10:22:31.863-07:00Sons and Daughters<div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-44QkbkurmWI/VvLFfRKx1NI/AAAAAAAAAt0/dinPYIs31A43hmRxYfJGWqkt9CYd0ozOA/s1600/IMG_6042.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="background-color: #444444; color: #eeeeee;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-44QkbkurmWI/VvLFfRKx1NI/AAAAAAAAAt0/dinPYIs31A43hmRxYfJGWqkt9CYd0ozOA/s400/IMG_6042.JPG" width="265" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I have given away a lot of things this year. I have sorted through not only my belongings but also my priorities. And I have whittled down a lot of the noise in my life and now I look at my shelves and see empty space where there was clutter before. I have hung most of my clothes where I can see them all more clearly rather than having clothes piling up and things becoming hidden. I'm trying to do the same with my good and bad qualities. So I can see myself more clearly. So I can work on things more effectively by utilizing all that I have.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I have more free time now. And I can fill it up with the things I truly enjoy. And it makes me happy to know I now have a lot more time for new things and a lot more time for my favorite things.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Or a lot more room for new plants. Those are cool too. </span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: #444444; color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b id="docs-internal-guid-b8af95b7-a476-21a3-c0c6-5ff2885703b0" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></span>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Lately I've been given a lot of verbal encouragement. It has affected me greatly. I never used to think words of affirmation meant much to me. But they do. I think about the words that are said to me very, very often. I think about my encounters with people often. I think about what I have said to others often. I think about the words I say to myself often. And I try my best to put them to good use. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">People are so interesting to me. They have history. I have history. A multitude of circumstances and events and thoughts and actions have led us to where we are and I know and respect that I cannot know a person in one conversation or even in a thousand. And they cannot know me in that time either. And that doesn't have to be a painful thought. Truly connecting with someone is not a one time thing. It's not always an "aha" moment and then everything is smooth sailing. Often it is wading through awkwardness and miscommunication over and over again until connecting with that person becomes easier and easier as you become more familiar with the other person. It involves asking a lot of questions with an open heart and mind. It often involves a lot of trying. It often involves a lot of time. And I feel very loved when someone offers me their time and their words and their thoughts. Because I know it is hard to do because free time is often scarce. So it seems to me that when someone gives me their time and their words they have given me something very valuable to them and I am so grateful for it. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Because free time can be hard to come by I enjoy writing nice notes to friends and family and texting them excitedly about things I find amazing. But I also have been trying to actually say more words to my friends and family. And it is hard. I have always felt like I'm being cheesy when I offer sincere words of encouragement or compliments to friends or anyone really. I don't know why. Maybe because it is a hard thing to be that kind of vulnerable. I wish I could communicate how purely and deeply I feel things to the people I love. But it is hard for me. Mostly, I think, because I am unsure if they even want to hear it. Or maybe they just simply do not want it. It is one of the most hurtful things to offer some piece of yourself to someone and see in their face they don't want it. I cannot say I can accept everyone's invitations all the time but I will always do what I can to listen and share to the best of my ability and try my best to never shut them down. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> I have always valued being invited. And that includes being invited into another person's world. I feel honored and loved and safe when I am invited in. Because I struggle with feeling like a burden. I try very hard not to intrude or impose on others. And it can come off as my being distant or uninterested. But it's the opposite. I'm trying to be kind. I'm trying to be gentle and safe and open. But I will forever be understudied in compassion. I will always try to learn how to be kind and compassionate and understanding but I need help. I have insecurities I deal with and it affects how I communicate. I acknowledge them as they arise and I am working on them fervently. But I'm not perfect so my communication is not perfect. My kindness is not perfect. I will never do everything perfectly. I can only ever try my best to do everything honestly. Earnestly. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img height="496" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/GypnUjg6yBIs78orMnrIqp3GUoUJzMUc5a93boAQu00wYgTeDI3w-pAyfHt4fDxd40Wu_D9AYjGTbEiAOyPLB9BLrkpNGGcEokI6d51_gJj-1t6ZhMpuvR5hf0w3asmhNSsqgboO" style="-webkit-transform: rotate(0.00rad); border: none; transform: rotate(0.00rad);" width="533" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">In regards to working on being more kind to myself and speaking more kindly to myself I have come a long way from the woefully stressed out, hypercritical self-improver I used to be. I've learned to take time to make the deep changes. And also I'm learning to enjoy that time. Not wish it away. I'm not just addressing the symptoms of my sufferings but trying to heal them at their source. And it takes painful honesty, loving kindness and a really good sense of humor. But there are still a lot of times that I still have to stop and look in the mirror or out the window and tell myself I am more than what I look like. I am more than what someone might perceive me as. I am more than my job. I am more than how well or how often I cook. I am more than what shows or music I grew up listening to or watching, I am more than what book I'm reading or not reading. I am more than what I have planned. I am more than all of it.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And so are others. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And maybe that seems like a vague and cliche way of thinking about things but I suppose I consider it to also be hopeful way of thinking.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And it sure beats defeatism.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Instead of the unknowns in life constantly frightening me they now feel more like the turning of a page in a really interesting and often suspenseful book.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I know that the unknowns matter. But I also know that the past and present matter too.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I know there is a balance.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> I know that I am going to make mistakes.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I know that as long as I don't submit to the, "Well, I guess this is just the way I am or the way it is." or the, "I can't change. I won't change." way of thinking then life will continue to feel more like an open book rather than just a game of Bloody Knuckles.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Life isn't a game with winners and losers or a game of avoidance and apprehension but an adventure full of valiant heroes, dragons, battles, healing, mystery, invitations, picnics, road-trips, laughter, tall-tales, hardships, construction, bridges, sailing, camping, hugging, handshakes, high-fives, talking quietly, asking questions, listening for answers, painting, running, loud music, symphonies, ballets, movies, walking, smelling flowers, gardening, coffee, tea, cooking, tasting, eating chocolate, eating cereal, eating, deep breathing, trying, listening, seeing, helping, asking for help, wholesomeness, good intentions, patience, gentleness, remembering, acknowledging, encouraging, understanding, learning and so many other things.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I've learned that Life is loving.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img height="800" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/iiymEH32ejDK_h1V64TmUoB7ks8zS6zuBcf4-olRzNA0ucf9HO2_7ROHs0exvDShL2NzZSyBM7LfreZm_HWWYfTr3Z_ZeTdq0nWj25UnO5pVOwln-uttXO0CcnaFPlutTgx_zJPa" style="-webkit-transform: rotate(0.00rad); border: none; transform: rotate(0.00rad);" width="532" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">(And it is also full of music. So here are some songs I've been playing on repeat.) </span></span></div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/Eru8DlHoOFM" style="text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Sons and Daughters - Allman Brown & Liz Lawrence </span></span></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://soundcloud.com/ceruleancrayons/cerulean-crayons-02-thinking" style="text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Thinking - Cerulean Crayons</span></a></span></div>
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CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-84800369976882010012016-03-06T16:36:00.000-08:002016-03-06T22:27:01.117-08:00When Girl Meets World<br />
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"You're always so happy."</div>
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I get that one a lot. </div>
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And I don't want to say it's not true. </div>
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But it's not true.</div>
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True, I do tend to be wildly optimistic.</div>
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True, I love a lot of things in life.</div>
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True, I'm enthusiastic and I love people and I love learning and laughing and all that stuff.</div>
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True, I'm very grateful for my life in all of it's context.</div>
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But it isn't true that I'm always happy.</div>
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When I was younger, hearing, "you're always so happy" actually stressed me out massively. </div>
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Because I felt like I had to put myself in the "happy box" and stay there.</div>
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Because it seemed like there were individuals in my life that, if I showed a less than happy side of myself, reacted negatively towards me. Like they became angry with me for not being "consistent."</div>
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Back then it seemed like being myself or showing my true feelings made me a "burden" and pushed people away.</div>
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So I just decided that I needed to be or at least pretend to be "always happy."</div>
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So, into the "happy box" I went.</div>
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But a box made of eggshells is not easy to move around in.</div>
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And it's very lonely in that little box.</div>
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Now I realize that it wasn't "my inconsistency" they would become angry with. Either they were just angry about other things or they were just angry with instability or "inconsistency" in general. </div>
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It had nothing to do with me.</div>
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And now when most people say the "you're always so happy" type things to me I know they are probably just saying it to say something.</div>
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Those kind of things no longer sting when people say them to me now. </div>
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They feel more like a breeze that ruffles through my hair. Kindly meant and pleasant in their passing.</div>
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But something similar to this was said to me recently and was a bit of a catalyst for my wanting to becoming more aware of and more comfortable with the natural and ever changing nature of the world and of the human beings we all are.</div>
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It also allowed me to see that maybe I, however unintentionally, still confine myself and others to "boxes."</div>
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So I'm now trying my best to not confine myself or others to a "box."</div>
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The optimist box.</div>
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The introvert box.</div>
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The funny box.</div>
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The intellectual box.</div>
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The mom box.</div>
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The dad box.</div>
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The friend box.</div>
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The nerdy box.</div>
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The sassy box.</div>
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And so on.</div>
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It is convenient and more realistic to use descriptors.</div>
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I'm not trying to say that using things to describe yourself to others or yourself is a bad thing.</div>
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But people are so many things, in so many varying degrees, at any given time.</div>
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Even if the changes and shifts are too subtle to notice, change is still happening.</div>
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But being ever changing doesn't mean being unstable.</div>
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The world revolves around the sun, on an axis, spinning all the time.</div>
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But I don't really notice a difference except for signs of it in the height of the tide or shape of the moon or time of day or the seasons and so on.</div>
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And those things are beautiful.</div>
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And natural.</div>
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And normal.</div>
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There is gravity and there is movement.</div>
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And so far it seems like they work together fabulously. </div>
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So it seems unfair of me to try to compartmentalize myself or others into "boxes."</div>
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I just found out it was a lot easier for me to be more forgiving of myself and others when I placed myself and others into a big empty space and allowed myself and others to be many things and ever changing rather than expect them or myself to adhere to predetermined behaviors based on what and who I presume myself or them to be.</div>
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"Being present" and "appreciating" things has become much easier.</div>
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And it's been really nice.</div>
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It's one thing to acknowledge and take into account instinct and intuition and quite another to fabricate a hypothetical world that eventually becomes hard to separate from reality.</div>
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There is a difference between trying to empathize and being presumptuous.</div>
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There is a difference between trying to truly understand and superimposing.</div>
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There is a difference between being hopeful and being naive.</div>
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I've been trying my best to realize that while I may have a "rich inner life"and I am pretty imaginative and whatnot I need to learn to separate it from my reality so I don't stress out so much.</div>
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It's both heartbreaking and liberating to realize one day that the world you created is just an illusory chalk drawing on a concrete sidewalk.</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AAKmT6Ns-Pk/VtjFU3n9rzI/AAAAAAAAAtM/U8aQqCZ-8oo/s1600/unnamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AAKmT6Ns-Pk/VtjFU3n9rzI/AAAAAAAAAtM/U8aQqCZ-8oo/s320/unnamed.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Maybe some things you thought and hoped had been real end up washing away. </div>
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But maybe all of the imaginary holes and empty spaces you thought you might fall through have washed away too.</div>
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And you are left looking down on solid grey stone.</div>
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No imaginary pitfalls in sight.</div>
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And you look up to find that you've just been standing there fretting over things that don't actually exist.</div>
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And the world is still spinning.</div>
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And you are still on solid ground.</div>
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And now is as good a time as any to set off on another adventure. </div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FEihgvx9yjs/Vty5Qxzg0xI/AAAAAAAAAtg/od2BHGjJvGU/s1600/tumblr_nwwk1jroB31so0l4ro1_540.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FEihgvx9yjs/Vty5Qxzg0xI/AAAAAAAAAtg/od2BHGjJvGU/s320/tumblr_nwwk1jroB31so0l4ro1_540.jpg" width="314" /></a></div>
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CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-62535067415311495672016-02-23T12:32:00.000-08:002016-02-23T13:18:16.515-08:00Thank You<div style="text-align: center;">
Do you ever come across songs that seem to say what is in your head so perfectly it's weird?</div>
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I do. </div>
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Like this song. </div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Pj0sXKPgbQo/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Pj0sXKPgbQo?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
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For a few weeks now I have realized that I have been writing blog posts about courage and kindness and love and strength and personal growth but that I had forgotten to thank my teachers. I forgot to thank my friends and family and all the people I come in contact with for teaching me so much. I am taught everyday by this world and my loved ones.</div>
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I have learned to love by being loved. I have learned of kindness by being treated kindly.</div>
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I have learned strength and courage and hope by being trusted by others and learning to trust in others. I have learned of respect and graciousness and gentleness by seeing my tired friends struggle and realizing they need rest like I do. And to do what I can to help them feel peaceful. </div>
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I have learned awareness and empathy by being invited into my friend's and family's worlds. </div>
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The light and dark parts of them.</div>
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And by inviting others into my world.</div>
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The light and dark parts of it.</div>
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I have learned to forgive myself and others by being forgiven by others.</div>
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I have learned perseverance by continuing to actively and sincerely get to know my loved ones so I can know how to help when I can and just be there for them when I cannot help them.</div>
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I have learned of peace and happiness by learning to give just to give, without a thought to receiving anything in return, because so many have given to me without ever asking to be repaid in kind.</div>
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I have learned to let go gently of things that do not work out because my friends and family have taught me that there is so much beauty in this life it is not worth it to dwell on all the bad that happens. </div>
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That even though a dandelion is a weed, it someday can turn into a "wish-flower." </div>
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That weakness can become strength and fear can be replaced with trust and hopefulness.</div>
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That tears can become laughter. And laughter can turn to tears. </div>
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And not to be afraid of the possibility of either happening. </div>
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To be there for all of it.</div>
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To celebrate with them.</div>
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To mourn with them.</div>
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To sit in quiet comfortable silence with them.</div>
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Just because.</div>
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I am so grateful to have found myself among such excellent and admirable <strike>hobbits</strike> human beings.</div>
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I know a blog post is an insufficient way to thank those I love so I have been doing other things here and there to try to show my love and gratitude for all of them in real life.</div>
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Whether that be with little notes, or spending time with them, or talking with them, or laughing with them or struggling with them or working through things with them or any number of other ways to show my love. </div>
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I know I cannot take away the pains or burdens from my friends when they struggle, even though I really wish I could, but I can sure try to be a Samwise Gamgee and carry them when need be.</div>
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I cannot say I'll be perfect.</div>
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I cannot say that I will always succeed.</div>
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I cannot say I will never let you down.</div>
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But I can say that I will always do my best to be a good friend. </div>
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An honest friend.</div>
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A courageous friend.</div>
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A faithful friend.</div>
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A loyal friend.</div>
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A kind friend.</div>
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A gentle friend.</div>
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An open-hearted friend.</div>
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A loving friend.</div>
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A hopeful friend.</div>
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A grateful friend.</div>
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So Thank you for all you have done for me.</div>
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:)</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://genius.com/Bombadil-thank-you-lyrics" target="_blank">Lyrics to the song</a>.</span></div>
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<a href="https://www.alsintl.com/resources/poetry/the-house-by-the-side-of-the-road/" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: x-small;">This is a poem I love.</span></a></div>
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<br />CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8784440868724565311.post-66701783778393195282016-02-15T13:09:00.001-08:002016-02-15T13:09:13.631-08:00Be Kind Unwind<div style="text-align: center;">
Lately I have been trying to live more fearlessly. But while I have been trying to do this I keep reminding myself that living more courageously does not mean that I should become insensitive to others or their comfort and peace. I do not think that living more courageously means living less kindly. I do not think it means becoming indifferent and careless.</div>
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I have been trying to live more courageously because I want to be more kind. </div>
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Because I want to live a more meaningful life.</div>
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So I have been trying to find balance. </div>
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And so I picked up and began re-reading one of my favorite books, <b><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13530961-the-heart-is-noble" target="_blank">The Heart is Noble</a></b>, because I felt like it might help me find ways to become more balanced. </div>
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And I came across this while reading it:</div>
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<i>"The trick is to strike the right balance between what you want for yourself and what you want for others. To achieve that balance from the outset what you want for yourself must be well-thought-out. By this I mean that if what you want for yourself is strongly self-centered, you will find no real balance. This is because you are just one part of your life. Since that is so, you must necessarily take others into consideration. Your own interests and your own life will only be balanced when they include both the well being of yourself and others. Any wholesome undertaking necessarily includes a desire to benefit others. You need to care for yourself, of course, but not to the total disregard for others. Your accomplishments cannot come at the expense of others." </i></div>
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I do not want to regret NOT doing things I want to do in my life. </div>
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And I think that the "you will regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did do" approach to life is often highlighted.</div>
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It is true. Being entombed in "what-ifs" can be excruciatingly painful. </div>
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But I also think that there are times when patience instead of action is a very thoughtful and wise approach to living a full life.</div>
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I've been realizing that sometimes having patience and waiting can be an active way of achieving my goals, however ironic it may seem.</div>
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I do not mean this in "the hunter waits quietly for his/her prey" kind of way.</div>
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I am speaking more in terms of the whole, "The line between bravery and stupidity is very thin" way of thinking.</div>
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I am talking about my need to remember others walking along with me through this life. </div>
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Remembering that what I do affects others and I need to remain aware of that. </div>
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But I also know that it is okay to be introspective and focus on myself at times too.</div>
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Because I need to take time to recenter myself to feel more peaceful and balanced.</div>
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<i>"Love and emotional well-being rest within us, not outside of us. therefore,in order to develop real love and to have healthy relationships, there is no way out of it: we need to probe our own heart and mind." </i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13530961-the-heart-is-noble" target="_blank">*</a></div>
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So I have been taking time out of my day to quietly reflect on the things and people I love, my goals, things I am grateful for, things I am working on, the progress I have made, ways I can be more kind, finding ways to be more patient, enjoying a good cup of coffee or tea, going on picnics, going on walks, looking up and around and just enjoying my life as it is now.</div>
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One of the things I have been working on over the years is being kinder to myself. I have been working on not only being more kind to myself but also trusting in my strength and more readily forgiving myself. This has also helped me work on remembering and recognizing the strength and goodness of all those around me and more readily forgiving them and letting things go. And because of that I now approach people more openly and find that I am bothered by and hurt by far less than I used to be. </div>
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I have tried my best to use all the context and experiences in my life, good and bad, to seek out and become aware of my hopes, aspirations and priorities so that working towards them becomes more fulfilling because I am working towards accomplishing things that make me truly happy while also lovingly letting go of other's expectations of me.</div>
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But I also recognize that how I go about accomplishing these things is just as important as what I am trying to accomplish.</div>
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<i>"I have many hopes for the world, but I try not to have any expectations. Whether I can actually fulfill my aspirations or not, I wish to let them shape me and guide my actions in the world. Focusing on achieving results can make us too attached to our goals. Our dreams do not necessarily have to be fulfilled in order for us to be happy. Nurturing hopes is meaningful in and of itself. It is worth working towards them, regardless of the outcome. When we make this shift away from results, we will find greater courage to act on our aspirations for the world. We will find our nobility of heart."<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13530961-the-heart-is-noble" target="_blank">*</a></i></div>
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Change will happen no matter what.</div>
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And I'm learning not to be afraid of it, but to see it as an adventure.</div>
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I have a lot to do. I am very far from perfect. I'm still working on things. I mess up. I move too quickly sometimes. I move too slowly sometimes. I still lose patience with myself.</div>
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But I'm learning to see wonder and happiness in the steps I have taken and am taking towards my goals rather than focusing on all the steps I have yet to take. </div>
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I also find great joy in witnessing my loved ones grow and work towards their own goals. And I feel honored and loved when we find quiet moments connect and to share our progress and set-backs with each other. And I feel honored and loved when we find time for just laughter and fun too. </div>
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I can now take in compliments and helpful uplifting words peacefully and gratefully rather than taking them as the sharp sound of the ball and chain of expectation clicking shut around my ankle.</div>
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I can find joy in the good qualities that I have within me but I also know I do not have to fear confronting my faults.</div>
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I have found it is becoming easier to feel peaceful in the midst of this crazy-demanding life because I am less crazy-demanding on myself these days.</div>
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And I have learned that this approach is not complacent. </div>
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It is patient. </div>
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It is kind.</div>
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It is loving.</div>
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And it's all gonna be alright.</div>
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:)</div>
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CassTakeCarehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08886328031230241778noreply@blogger.com4