Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Homedogs

I'm home sweet home now.
A few people have asked me how it's been going.

I was a bit nervous to come back.
 I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep up socially with the times and people I care about. 
But I am doing alright actually. 
I think.

Granted I'm usually nervous that I'm going to be an awkward idiot or seem disinterested simply because I don't want to pry but I also don't want to look too interested to the point of weirdness.



I'm worried I'll ask the wrong questions or say something seemingly off topic but the connection to the current topic makes sense to me etc. (therefore, once again, appearing disinterested and distractible)


Or I just end up talking about my dog Ezra a lot. 
Because he is cute. 
And better with people than I am. 



Or, 
what if I have something on my face?



Or what if I revert to a neutral topic by inserting an equally generic phrase into the middle of an awkward pause and ruin everything?



 And while it is entirely plausible that I can be both awkward and an idiot, that I might have something on my face, that I ask the wrong questions or inadvertently started a fan club for my dog, 
it is irrational to think that it matters much since very few people put any amount of thought into reminiscing over past conversations with gentle acquaintances. 



So I don't know why I worry so much over it.


Overall,
I am so grateful for my pup Ezra and his unconditional love for me though.
We go on walks, play fetch, take selfies, eat too much peanut butter, read, watch Gilmore Girls and cuddle.

 At the end of the day I can sometimes (often times) come home feeling like I've totally failed at life and that my communication skills that day were entirely sub-par and I feel an odd filmy sort of dirty from being at work and I smell weird and I'm tired and stressing out about things I said or didn't say etc.
my Ezra is a bub and a half and greets me with unfeigned excitement and love and he just lets me love him with my whole heart and it's so simple and kind and transparent and whole. 




And I love being back at Augie's and being able to see my friends regularly :)



I know I over think my social exchanges far too much. 
I know I go in to them with broken intuition, good intentions and absolutely hilarious pun jokes.
I know it doesn't matter.
To be honest, there is an immeasurable amount of comfort in knowing I'm not significant or needed or essential etc.
 I do not carry the world on my shoulders even if it sometimes feels like it.


But I am loved by some anyway.
And I love others anyway as well.
And that's pretty neat.