Monday, December 18, 2017

Stranger Feels *Spoilers*

I realized that Stranger Things is actually a really nice way to describe feelings. 
Especially the hard ones. 
I'm going to attempt to share some of these using Stranger Things gifs and pictures for funzies. 

Some of them are related to my mental health struggles and others are just because being a 20-something is just fucking awkward.
The following post is an illustration of my own personal feelings and experiences.


Because being open about mental health struggles is not about asking for pity or making excuses. I just think more people being open about it can maybe create a supportive loving community of friends and family that can actually help all involved in improving their quality of life and their relationships because many people struggle with these things and hopefully communicating these struggles in a safe place can also be a catalyst for ending stigma and supporting more research on the brain and emotions and holistic treatment options at more accessible and affordable prices or just help keep the dark shit at bay long enough to get professional help for it like:

In short I try to be more honest about my struggles because:

The Struggle (Internal):

Depression be like:

The Constant Battle:
 (From left to right)
Giving too many fucks. Can't give a fuck. Don't give a fuck.

Trying to hide and not hide all at once.

A question I ask myself all the fucking time:

How I feel listening to myself talk about anything most of the time:

And often times some prrrrrrretty dark thoughts make my world feel like:

And you're trying to hide that you're in an extended " I don't want to be here anymore" funk  like:

But sometimes you are taken pleasantly by surprised by something small and simple that makes you feel like life might be an okay thing to stick around for.

And thinking maybe you had a breakthrough but you find yourself just as fucking confused as when you started:

Because you can feel The Creeping sliding back in and you are trying not to let it like:

But sometimes the monster gets too close too quickly and you don't have time for their shit but you are barely keeping them away from you like:

Meanwhile also giving yourself some "tough-love" and trying not to give-up or whatever like:

Because you're also determined to confront yourself and the dark and misty places inside you because you would rather get eaten and die than lie to yourself or steep in self-pity or other freedom-stifling shit like that:

Because it feels fucking good even though it stings like crazy to realize you were wrong about something or realize something you don't like about yourself or where you are because at least now you know so you can try to change so you can maybe not hurt someone or yourself in the same way  again. 
Because awareness is part of true freedom. 
And changing is another part.
And I refuse to settle for a life lived in a cage.
ESPECIALLY if it is one of my own making. 

While at the same time trying to figure out the difference between normal and healthy and realizing they aren't exactly directly related and learning to be cool with your harmless quirks and other peoples quirks and living more peacefully in all of it like:

Then self-loathing boils up in you because you aren't as good and kind and thoughtful and mindful and okay has you want to be and believe in being and you feel like you are just ripping things apart by existing:

And counseling, reading books about mindfulness, trying to eat well, exercise enough, sleep enough, socialize enough, work hard enough, trying to be vigilant and aware enough and trying to bring that shit all together to make some map that might help you figure out what the fuck is going on feels like:

But even when you're strugglin' and you still manage to somehow slay at work like:

The Struggle (External):

When you're trying to communicate something heavy to someone but also trying to make light of it:

Then life happens and you have to come clean and tell your friends and family you struggle with MDD and a few other things like:

While also trying to protect your loved ones from your mind-flayer like:

And the look on her face when your mom connects all the dots and finds out her babiest one "hasn't been doing well" for a very long time be like:

The magical friends that haven't given up on you.

The friends that supports lipstick, heels, nights out and new experiences as legitimate ways to cheer up like:

When you find the people in your life that still think you're pretty even when you stop hiding all of it from them.

You trying to believe them like:

Meanwhile you're trying to figure out how to get the fuck out of your upside-down like:

And well-meaning people try to cheer you up like:

(Whoops. Didn't work.)

What I'm afraid will happen to my relationships and my life if I give depression all the things it wants because I get too tired to fight it anymore:


All the while my loving friends and family be like:

Small Victories (and the aftermath):

Getting to that social event you were anxious about going to/ almost didn't go to because you were anxious about going to it feels like:

But also leaving part way through said social event because the mental smoke and ashes shit starts happening like:

And most of the time playing DnD (Dungeons and Dragons) with my best buds is like:

But sometimes it's like:

And trying to use positive thinking to fight it somedays be like:

Coping Mechanisms:
 ( The good and the bad and the Unintentional)

Trying to do things you like and tell your always conflicted brain to fuck-off/
Trying not to feel guilty about needing to incorporate more self-care time in your life like:

Trying to do things to numb yourself / and or feel something because you just can't get it together and are angry with yourself about it and don't want to deal with it anymore.

Night in with the bubs and friends watching Supernatural or Harry Potter like: 

Lord of the Rings:

(Such Wisdom)

Early mornings and COFFEE:

When you just don't want to talk or interact with anyone at all and keep silently wishing you could become invisible but have no good excuses not to interact so you initiate operation "Lame Ass Excuses" like:

Sometimes you just start crying about fucking nothing:

Fries are my Eggos:


And sometimes I just want a hug like:

 Still fucking trying:

And maybe if I don't get too tired out all the trying will lead to:

And the thought of that is kinda: