I suppose rivers do not inherently have names and they all lead, in the end, to the same place.
But we name them different names anyway.
They also all seem to naturally have small or large places of calmer water somewhere along all that flowing.
So I suppose community could be constant, in a specific place and still dynamic.
And also with places of rest.
I don't believe in a deity but I believe in gratitude, grace and friendship.
My friends and my life partner make me feel loved, valued, appreciated, competent, funny, wanted, essential and a part of their life that is magical and irreplaceable.
And I strive to do the same.
To have an opportunity to not only have true friends but to be a true friend is something I am so grateful for.
However, due to the move and the Pandemic I haven't been able to see my friends as much and it has been hard to find a place here.
Being a part of a community is my life's blood and I don't have a solid one here.
I was a part of Redlands.
I was a part of my friend group.
I was good at my job.
I had goals and aspirations.
I had places I haunted like Stell and Tulip House.
In DC it is very transient and hard to find a constant PLACE here.
Despite all of the good things and people in my life
my mental health has been the worst it has ever been.
I'm uncertain how to fix it and I've tried everything I can think of.
It's hard to not feel trapped by it and also hard not to blame myself for all of it.
I have adopted some new maladaptive coping skills over the pandemic.
I have relapsed into old maladaptive coping mechanisms during the Pandemic.
My main fears are that I'll essentially fail at being a good friend and life partner because I cannot trust my mind to not fail me. Because my mind is absolutely restless.
And it will fail me and my heart if I cannot find a way to make it stop.
A talk I had with a friend made me realize that I think, in part, I am grieving.
A great many things.
And it is so heavy that I am afraid I cannot keep it up.
And I don't know how to carry or heal from all of it.
And for one reason or another my mind will not let me put it down or rest.
And it's something I am angry I have not figured out how to do yet.
I have no insight to tie all this together or reassurances to offer.
But hopefully I don't drown in these rough waters.
But mostly I hope I don't pull anyone under with me on accident.
If you like music here is a link to a playlist.
