Smoke and Mirrors

I've been thinking a lot about "selflessness" lately.

And I've come to the conclusion that, 

to me anyway, 

it does not mean becoming bland, or silent, or the same, or nothing. 

I guess to me I see being selfless as just seeing yourself and others and the natural world as interconnected and ever changing with courage. 

Recognizing yourself and everything and everyone else trying, learning, coming, going, dying, hurting, asking, walking, breathing, listening, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, unkempt, vibrant and endless 

just means you start to see less and less space between you and all of it.

Selflessness is just 

a lessening of the distance.

I guess I've been trying to lessen the distance by asking questions instead of assuming. 

Because I don't think assuming is incredibly helpful.

So I have been asking questions. 

And asking questions and truly listening and trying to understand has turned out to be magical.

In a perfect world the asking of questions can unveil things.

They can help disillusion and correct your vision to some degree.

Clarity and closeness and courage.

However, the world is broken to some degree. 

There is a twist in it. 

But in anycase we naturally all see it differently.

So you may receive false answers to questions honestly asked.

You may speak the familiar language but the ciphers are different.

You may honestly answer questions and find they fail to translate correctly.

You may speak as truthfully as you know how to but find out later you were under informed.

You may act with good intentions but fail.

You may truly care but cling too tightly.

You may truly care but grasp to lightly.

You may be somewhere and elsewhere all at once.

Your mind may breathe and sit in open fields while your hands make coffee drinks. 

You can be with someone only to find they are not with you.

And that's where Grace comes in. 

I use that word because it's my word 

for the beautiful life that is.

 Just because.

It is the giver and the taker.

The balancer.

It is a forgiver and a teacher. 

The change and constancy.

It is the breathing life.

But I suppose an important component to loving and forgiving and the seeing with clarity more easily this world is also the loving and forgiving and the searching and the asking of yourself. 

A finding of peace regardless and forgiving yourself 

 For all the questions you never got or thought to ask.

For all the questions you were to afraid to ask.

For even the times you had no idea how to ask. 

For all the answers you gave with such certainty only to find that later they changed. 
For all the time it took.
For all the time you didn't take.

To watch the fluidity of you mirrored in another and seeing the rippling people pass through your rippling. 

And know that even though you don't know if it will all be alright in the end or not

 but trying not to let that uncertainty harden you or let your fears harm your chances of living fully .

The grace in

Taking care but also 

Just letting it go. 

Music:
Christmas in the Room: Sufjan Stevens
Julien Baker : Something
Billie Eilish : Six Feet Under