Stranger Feels *Spoilers*

I realized that Stranger Things is actually a really nice way to describe feelings. 

Especially the hard ones. 

I'm going to attempt to share some of these using Stranger Things gifs and pictures for funzies. 

Some of them are related to my mental health struggles and others are just because being a 20-something is just fucking awkward.

The following post is an illustration of my own personal feelings and experiences.

Foreword:

Because being open about mental health struggles is not about asking for pity or making excuses. I just think more people being open about it can maybe create a supportive loving community of friends and family that can actually help all involved in improving their quality of life and their relationships because many people struggle with these things and hopefully communicating these struggles in a safe place can also be a catalyst for ending stigma and supporting more research on the brain and emotions and holistic treatment options at more accessible and affordable prices or just help keep the dark shit at bay long enough to get professional help for it like:

In short I try to be more honest about my struggles because:

The Struggle (Internal):

Depression is all like:

The Constant Battle:

 (From left to right)

Giving too many fucks. Can't give a fuck. Don't give a fuck.

Trying to hide and not hide all at once.

A question I ask myself all the fucking time:

How I feel listening to myself talk about anything most of the time:

And often times some prrrrrrretty dark thoughts make my world feel like:

And you're trying to hide that you're in an extended " I don't want to be here anymore" funk  like:

But sometimes you are taken pleasantly by surprised by something small and simple that makes you feel like life might be an okay thing to stick around for.

And thinking maybe you had a breakthrough but you find yourself just as fucking confused as when you started:

Because you can feel The Creeping sliding back in and you are trying not to let it like:

But sometimes the monster gets too close too quickly and you don't have time for their shit but you are barely keeping them away from you like:

Meanwhile also giving yourself some "tough-love" and trying not to give-up or whatever like:

Because you're also determined to confront yourself and the dark and misty places inside you because you would rather get eaten and die than lie to yourself or steep in self-pity or other freedom-stifling shit like that:

Because it feels fucking good even though it stings like crazy to realize you were wrong about something or realize something you don't like about yourself or where you are because at least now you know so you can try to change so you can maybe not hurt someone or yourself in the same way  again. 

Because awareness is part of true freedom. 

And changing is another part.

And I refuse to settle for a life lived in a cage.

ESPECIALLY if it is one of my own making. 

While at the same time trying to figure out the difference between normal and healthy and realizing they aren't exactly directly related and learning to be cool with your harmless quirks and other peoples quirks and living more peacefully in all of it like:

Then self-loathing boils up in you because you aren't as good and kind and thoughtful and mindful and okay has you want to be and believe in being and you feel like you are just ripping things apart by existing:

And counseling, reading books about mindfulness, trying to eat well, exercise enough, sleep enough, socialize enough, work hard enough, trying to be vigilant and aware enough and trying to bring that shit all together to make some map that might help you figure out what the fuck is going on feels like:

But even when you're strugglin' and you still manage to somehow slay at work like:

The Struggle (External):

When you're trying to communicate something heavy to someone but also trying to make light of it:

Then life happens and you have to come clean and tell your friends and family you struggle with MDD and a few other things like:

While also trying to protect your loved ones from your mind-flayer like:

And the look on her face when your mom connects all the dots and finds out her babiest one "hasn't been doing well" for a very long time is like:

The magical friends that haven't given up on you.

The friends that supports lipstick, heels, nights out and new experiences as legitimate ways to cheer up like:

When you find the people in your life that still think you're pretty even when you stop hiding all of it from them.

You trying to believe them like:

Meanwhile you're trying to figure out how to get the fuck out of your upside-down like:

And well-meaning people try to cheer you up like:

(Whoops. Didn't work.)

What I'm afraid will happen to my relationships and my life if I give depression all the things it wants because I get too tired to fight it anymore:

Because:

All the while my loving friends and family is like:

Small Victories (and the aftermath):

Getting to that social event you were anxious about going to/ almost didn't go to because you were anxious about going to it feels like:

But also leaving part way through said social event because the mental smoke and ashes shit starts happening like:

And most of the time playing DnD (Dungeons and Dragons) with my best buds is like:

But sometimes it's like:

And trying to use positive thinking to fight it somedays is like:

Coping Mechanisms:

 ( The good and the bad and the Unintentional)

Trying to do things you like and tell your always conflicted brain to fuck-off/

Trying not to feel guilty about needing to incorporate more self-care time in your life like:

Trying to do things to numb yourself / and or feel something because you just can't get it together and are angry with yourself about it and don't want to deal with it anymore.

Night in with the bubs and friends watching Supernatural or Harry Potter like: 

Lord of the Rings:

(Such Wisdom)

Early mornings and COFFEE:

When you just don't want to talk or interact with anyone at all and keep silently wishing you could become invisible but have no good excuses not to interact so you initiate operation "Lame Ass Excuses" like:

Sometimes you just start crying about fucking nothing:

Fries are my Eggos:

Dancing:

And sometimes I just want a hug like:

Meanwhile:

 Still fucking trying:

And maybe if I don't get too tired out all the trying will lead to:

And the thought of that is kinda:

Tunes:

Stranger Things Theme Song

Should I Stay or Should I Go? - The Clash

When It's Cold I'd Like To Die: Moby

The Breaking of the Fellowship (In Dreams)- Lord of the Rings Soundtrack

Facing Fears

It Helps.

And a strong cup of coffee,
Some good friends,
A great book,
A nostalgic Emo-Punk playlist (that is kinda hilarious),
Funny cat videos,
And a brand new tube of Mascara
also helps.

---> Kinda Hilarious Playlist <--- a="">

Words are Hard

For a while now I have noticed that talking has become more and more difficult over the years. 

Physically it can feel difficult because talking loudly is 

something that is actually very hard for me to do. 

It feels too aggressive to me even though I know it isn't. 

It just feels too abrasive so it's really hard for me to speak even at a normal volume a lot of the time. 

And then when people can't hear me they lean in and then they are really focused on me and then I think I get shy or something and speak even more quietly and then we all laugh about it 

because then they really can't hear me at all so then I have to (do what feels, mentally, like a clap push-up or a jump squat or sprint or something) to speak loudly enough that they can hear me.

It's also difficult mentally.

Mostly I just don't want to talk. 

It feels like a huge effort to speak. 

To almost anyone.

About anything.

Even the people I feel closest to.

99% of the time I just want to not talk anymore.

Just stop.

Not because I'm afraid of what people think of me and the words I say.

Not because I am indifferent towards them.

Not because I'm not interested in what they have to say.

Not because I think words are frivolous.

Not because I don't see the beauty of stories and poetry and imagination.

Not because I think talking is self-indulgent.

Not because I feel negatively towards communicating and connecting.

Not because I don't love listening to others thoughts and dreams etc.

And certainly not because I want to be mysterious or aloof or separate.

I just don't feel the urge to speak all that often. 

And if I do I think it is mostly just a learned thing. 

A habit.

Because most of the time, as soon as I start speaking about anything, even my favorite cereal or what music I like etc.
 I immediately feel bone-tired.

And like mud is sliding from my mouth.

Or like I'm covered in dust.

I just often feel like I am bad at explaining things

 I feel don't need explaining because they change like everything else.

Talking often feels like trying to tie two strands of water together.

It mostly feels pointless.

But,

 I can't not talk.

I work at a very social job.

I am genuinely interested in connecting deeply with other humans

and I feel not talking would imply I don't care.

(I really do care and love listening and connecting)

It is just hard to express that 

when I speak my words are meant to be a passing breeze.

Not a planting of trees.

Things are not solid.

They always change.

So saying words seems to solidify things in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Things change and pass and come and go and I feel sometimes

words can feel like a hang nail that snags on an otherwise smooth cloth.

Or like a congealing of what is meant to be a free flowing substance.

Most of the time talking about things feels like 

I'm grabbing at smoke and then trying to hand it to someone else.

I don't know why.

But words are hard.

But I still speak.

And I know the value of a kind word 

but I also see the truth in a kind deed

 and a comforting gesture.

Pretty words can be spoken

but the truth is in the living of life.

For myself

I hope to live a gentle life.

A kind life.

To somehow convey in my actions that my intentions are pure

And that I only want healing and peace and freedom for this world.

A deep freedom.

The freedom of realizing the strength in you is enough.

The strength to know you have fear in you but to try anyway.

Unashamed.

A freedom that leaves kindness and more freedom in it's wake.

A freedom of self-strength and wholeness that is so ingrained that it needs no one else.

But the freedom to choose to be with others anyway.

A love that is born from love

 and not simply an attachment steeped and tied up in fear.

There is so much much much more to all of this than I want to write about.

 But this is a small part of my current thoughts on a few things.

So why the blogpost?

Written word is solid too.

True.

But I also need to assure my mother that I'm not dead.

And she reads my blogs.

Hi, mom! I'm not dead!

Link to a Playlist Called Lately

---lifesabitch---<--- p="">

Smoke and Mirrors

I've been thinking a lot about "selflessness" lately.

And I've come to the conclusion that, 

to me anyway, 

it does not mean becoming bland, or silent, or the same, or nothing. 

I guess to me I see being selfless as just seeing yourself and others and the natural world as interconnected and ever changing with courage. 

Recognizing yourself and everything and everyone else trying, learning, coming, going, dying, hurting, asking, walking, breathing, listening, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, unkempt, vibrant and endless 

just means you start to see less and less space between you and all of it.

Selflessness is just 

a lessening of the distance.

I guess I've been trying to lessen the distance by asking questions instead of assuming. 

Because I don't think assuming is incredibly helpful.

So I have been asking questions. 

And asking questions and truly listening and trying to understand has turned out to be magical.

In a perfect world the asking of questions can unveil things.

They can help disillusion and correct your vision to some degree.

Clarity and closeness and courage.

However, the world is broken to some degree. 

There is a twist in it. 

But in anycase we naturally all see it differently.

So you may receive false answers to questions honestly asked.

You may speak the familiar language but the ciphers are different.

You may honestly answer questions and find they fail to translate correctly.

You may speak as truthfully as you know how to but find out later you were under informed.

You may act with good intentions but fail.

You may truly care but cling too tightly.

You may truly care but grasp to lightly.

You may be somewhere and elsewhere all at once.

Your mind may breathe and sit in open fields while your hands make coffee drinks. 

You can be with someone only to find they are not with you.

And that's where Grace comes in. 

I use that word because it's my word 

for the beautiful life that is.

 Just because.

It is the giver and the taker.

The balancer.

It is a forgiver and a teacher. 

The change and constancy.

It is the breathing life.

But I suppose an important component to loving and forgiving and the seeing with clarity more easily this world is also the loving and forgiving and the searching and the asking of yourself. 

A finding of peace regardless and forgiving yourself 

 For all the questions you never got or thought to ask.

For all the questions you were to afraid to ask.

For even the times you had no idea how to ask. 

For all the answers you gave with such certainty only to find that later they changed. 
For all the time it took.
For all the time you didn't take.

To watch the fluidity of you mirrored in another and seeing the rippling people pass through your rippling. 

And know that even though you don't know if it will all be alright in the end or not

 but trying not to let that uncertainty harden you or let your fears harm your chances of living fully .

The grace in

Taking care but also 

Just letting it go. 

Music:
Christmas in the Room: Sufjan Stevens
Julien Baker : Something
Billie Eilish : Six Feet Under

Will and Grace

It is sitting in the shade

And squinting into the sunlight.

(My mom always said that's how you get wrinkles.)

It is a funny remark 

And the sad truth behind it.

(I've laughed at the wrong times too.)

It is the building up

And the wearing down.
(You'll always want something.)

It is the holding

And the letting go.
(Sometimes you have to give the monkey bars a rest to let the blisters heal.)

It is the trying.

 Just because.

Music:

Surrender: Natalie Taylor

All I Want: Stonefox

Arrow: Stonefox

Crowded Places: Banks

Cowards: Raleigh Ritchie

Stranger Thinks

A few months ago I was finally ready to crawl all the way into the hole I'd been preparing for a long time. But I only made it halfway. 

I may have been technically alive but in every other way I was, what I can really only describe as, done. 

And I didn't even want to try to get out of it because I had found a measure of peace in that level of detachment. 

But lately I've had some wonderful opportunities to get to know a few people in my life and have really amazing conversations and have made some really kind and honest connections. And there is also a profound peace in that too. 

I've been dancing a lot.  I've been hanging out more with my friends, I've been visiting some new places and going on adventures.

I've been exploring what I might want to do with my life. 

I'm not going to lie. 

That last one still wrecks me sometimes. 

I think it is just because I forget that I just have to make a choice and move forward and let things unfold and adapt accordingly. But for some reason those decisions can feel like monsters in my chest. But I'm managing to quiet them by remembering:

A) That hypothetical pitfalls are not the same as real pitfalls. 

B) That I'll never truly be stuck. 

C) To chill the fuck out. 

D) To hug my dog.

E) To eat cold cereal and read a book. FOR FUN. (I know. I'm a fucking menace.)

Because, I mean, a lot of life can sort of feel like this:

#conflicted.

I've also realized that while I take responsibility for who I am, who I was, and who I am becoming and the choices I have made, and make, and will make I've been helped by the most amazing and kind people along the way when my choices have not worked out as planned. And I am so grateful. And I can only hope that I communicate that gratitude in someway whether it be saying words or giving back in some measure.

I've been finding a lot of joy in being a woman and being human. I've been loving being amongst  women and men and honest and kind humans who inspire me with their courageous vulnerability. 

I've seen and felt a bit of what self-loathing can do. I've seen glimpses of how much pain loved ones in my life are in. I've seen guilt rip people's minds apart. I've seen it devour their sense of self-worth and have also seen it help them make changes in their life.  I have seen anxiety crush them at times. And I know I'm not immune to those feelings either. 

But I think those things can heal. 

Maybe not all the way. 

Maybe not all at once. 

Maybe not all the time. 

Maybe not forever.

But healing can happen.

I just wish they could see and know how good they are. How enough they are. They are not deficient or worthless or trapped. They are big, bright souls that I am so grateful to know. 

I'm surrounded by people who grant me the grace of time and patience even when they are dealing with their own turbulent lives. 

I can offer love, listening, dad jokes and dog memes. 

But often times I find I don't have anything to say in response to their words. 

Because sometimes there are no words that can help.

Or the only words I can think to say seem insufficient. 

But my heart explodes and a hug or standing really close to someone or some other form of appropriate physical affection is all I can give to express that sometimes.

I'm a human. I make coffee drinks for a living. I dance around my house a lot when I'm home alone. I drink too much coffee. I read fantasy novels and books about mindfulness and giggle at weird things sometimes.

My life is wild. I know. 

In any case, I'm waking up again. And it's warm outside.

Music Stuff:
Nobody Speak: DJ Shadow Feat. Run the Jewels
Tsar B: Escalate
Louis the Child: It's Strange