Words are Hard

For a while now I have noticed that talking has become more and more difficult over the years. 

Physically it can feel difficult because talking loudly is 

something that is actually very hard for me to do. 

It feels too aggressive to me even though I know it isn't. 

It just feels too abrasive so it's really hard for me to speak even at a normal volume a lot of the time. 

And then when people can't hear me they lean in and then they are really focused on me and then I think I get shy or something and speak even more quietly and then we all laugh about it 

because then they really can't hear me at all so then I have to (do what feels, mentally, like a clap push-up or a jump squat or sprint or something) to speak loudly enough that they can hear me.

It's also difficult mentally.

Mostly I just don't want to talk. 

It feels like a huge effort to speak. 

To almost anyone.

About anything.

Even the people I feel closest to.

99% of the time I just want to not talk anymore.

Just stop.

Not because I'm afraid of what people think of me and the words I say.

Not because I am indifferent towards them.

Not because I'm not interested in what they have to say.

Not because I think words are frivolous.

Not because I don't see the beauty of stories and poetry and imagination.

Not because I think talking is self-indulgent.

Not because I feel negatively towards communicating and connecting.

Not because I don't love listening to others thoughts and dreams etc.

And certainly not because I want to be mysterious or aloof or separate.

I just don't feel the urge to speak all that often. 

And if I do I think it is mostly just a learned thing. 

A habit.

Because most of the time, as soon as I start speaking about anything, even my favorite cereal or what music I like etc.
 I immediately feel bone-tired.

And like mud is sliding from my mouth.

Or like I'm covered in dust.

I just often feel like I am bad at explaining things

 I feel don't need explaining because they change like everything else.

Talking often feels like trying to tie two strands of water together.

It mostly feels pointless.

But,

 I can't not talk.

I work at a very social job.

I am genuinely interested in connecting deeply with other humans

and I feel not talking would imply I don't care.

(I really do care and love listening and connecting)

It is just hard to express that 

when I speak my words are meant to be a passing breeze.

Not a planting of trees.

Things are not solid.

They always change.

So saying words seems to solidify things in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Things change and pass and come and go and I feel sometimes

words can feel like a hang nail that snags on an otherwise smooth cloth.

Or like a congealing of what is meant to be a free flowing substance.

Most of the time talking about things feels like 

I'm grabbing at smoke and then trying to hand it to someone else.

I don't know why.

But words are hard.

But I still speak.

And I know the value of a kind word 

but I also see the truth in a kind deed

 and a comforting gesture.

Pretty words can be spoken

but the truth is in the living of life.

For myself

I hope to live a gentle life.

A kind life.

To somehow convey in my actions that my intentions are pure

And that I only want healing and peace and freedom for this world.

A deep freedom.

The freedom of realizing the strength in you is enough.

The strength to know you have fear in you but to try anyway.

Unashamed.

A freedom that leaves kindness and more freedom in it's wake.

A freedom of self-strength and wholeness that is so ingrained that it needs no one else.

But the freedom to choose to be with others anyway.

A love that is born from love

 and not simply an attachment steeped and tied up in fear.

There is so much much much more to all of this than I want to write about.

 But this is a small part of my current thoughts on a few things.

So why the blogpost?

Written word is solid too.

True.

But I also need to assure my mother that I'm not dead.

And she reads my blogs.

Hi, mom! I'm not dead!

Link to a Playlist Called Lately

---lifesabitch---<--- p="">