Michigan Impossible

As you might know, I'm taking a bit of a break in Michigan.

So I've been trying to keep a low profile.

But I think they know I'm just another awkward selfie-taking 20 something.

Oh yeah,

I live next to a place called "Knotty Pines."

Oh good. 

I live next to a forest with behavioral issues.

Also,

It seems to rain here whenever I decide to go on a walk.

Just kidding.
It's like this.

So what is there to do in The-Middle-of-Nowhere-Michigan you ask?

Well,

I get crawled on by at least one bug,

 Then I make a considerable effort to keep up with the times. 

I've even been attempting to walk on the treadmill while watching Netflix.

Then, 

Even stacking wood and rocks can be fun if you're desperate enough.

But eventually, 

Now, I love the quiet but when I am in the nearest town trying to remember how to say words to other people things can get a little dicey.

So I've had to learn to improvise.

I eventually get my point across and they hand me a coffee.

But it could be worse.

Moral of this story?

Finding Piece

I decided to just go ahead and post a piece I wrote a few years ago. 

 I only really share things like this with a (very) few people.  These days I don't get around to writing short stories and poetry and stuff as much as I used to. But when I come across old things I've written I remember I used to write, not just to figure things out but just to play around. It makes me remember how much fun it is to play with words.

And play in my own world.

My inner life/world may be hypothetical and fantastical but it's a place where it's always dusk, dawn or the blue hour. There is always coffee and tea and cereal. A place where my sweaters are big and my beverage temperature is always just right. A place with a cozy chair and a big, huge window looking out on a wheat field or a green forest or lake. And there is a good book and/or close friend next to me. 

(It's also a world in which I am a badass Cellist. And a world where I can dance really well and my archery skills match those of Legolas. 

And I'm always barefoot. )

(For some reason I don't like to wear shoes in my day dreams.) 

(That might be the (Tolkien) Elvish influence in my life manifesting itself.)

And a place where I have many animal companions. (I'm beginning to think I might be Radagast.)

 And at least one of my animal companion happens to be a Dire wolf. 

Or Dire Pit-bull.

I'm not picky.

All in all it's a pretty swell place to vacation. 

I'm just sayin'. 

Sometimes I forget how essential deliberately spending time being creative is for my well-being. 

And also Blues. 

And Jazz. 

And movies.

And books.

And animals.

And dancing.  

And sleep.

I dig that shit. 

I need more of it in my life.

I can't say I'm not shy about posting this piece. 

Because I am. 

But I guess a really great thing about being really, really tired is that it gives me a chance to make peace with my life and myself.

 And it makes me numb enough to post things like this because what's the use in worrying about it? 

So I guess I'll consider this an exercise in breaking my own rules.

I've never really liked rules anyway. 

Here Lies Mr. Oliver                   (Joe “King” Oliver)

Champagne bubbles like sputtering coals and the chinking high pitched ding of crystal cups and laughing words drip from the ceiling and shatter on his shoulders. He walks outside. Lines hang like cobwebs on his face. Steam is rising from a grate on the ground. The lamp light spreads out – a halo. So he slips away.

Cotton wood seeds fall on the crackling paper under his hot wooden hand, his pen – striking the flint.  His words sizzle and pop. With a note the trees begin to smoke. 

 There is a cemetery across town. He seeps through the gate and sees the silver stones shine with burnt letters. He sees that old statue with Her arm resting under her chin. He walks around her and tells his little story. Then he slips away. 

It is thick like the big red trees. It whispers –smoke rings that drift. It hangs like mussels on a ship. And always dripping away under ground. Sharp as the Liberty Crown. Shifting like the fickle clouds.

He laughs. His breath is damp. So it clumps up. And slips away.

Music (of the "current" sort) that I've been swimming in lately:

Sia : Alive

Billie Eilish: Ocean Eyes

Corbin: Worn

The Japanese House: Sister

Ed Sheeran : The Parting Glass

W. Darling : Hunting Happiness

Made in Heights: All the Places

Getting Schooled 2.0

COFFEE

When I remember it is Sunday and I have to go back to school the next day.

When I ignore that fact as long as humanly possible

When I look at all the homework I have to do

When I get half of my homework done

When I look at all the homework I still have to do

When I see people reading books for fun.

Just kidding. I still read books for fun.

Lord of the Rings

I get chatty when I'm tired

Or I get disturbingly listless and confused when I study for too long

What I feel like when my classmates and I are at the hospital in our uniforms

After first/second/third/fourth day of clinical

Before my midterm

The "BEST" answer

After my midterm

After class on Thursday (It's my "Friday"):

What I should do:

What I actually do:

Because I think I have forgotten how to life:

During Lecture

During Labs

During Study Time

Finals are next week.

Sometimes I become irrationally irritated with my alarm.

Keeping up with all the "real world" stuff I'm still expected to do

Huh?

But even if I do sleep things get weird

Studying:

How I think I look on the outside

How I actually look.

My blog-writing process: 



When people ask me what I am going to do on the two-week break I have coming up

How I am staying positive

How I feel about all of it thus far?

Achilles Heal.

  I've been thinking a lot about pain and listening.
Talking about pain is pretty normal in class and it is always interesting to hear stories and gain new perspectives. And I have the opportunity to share a bit in class but also I have an opportunity to just sit and listen to stories in class. Just listen. And it's nice. I was talking to my best friend Jess and I have been realizing that lately I've been pretty content and I feel pretty peaceful even though school is really stressful at times. It's a fulfilling stressful. I spend a lot of my day learning about how to help people and then spend the rest of it seeing how I can implement those things in my normal everyday life.

The other day I was able to talk to one of my classmates for a bit and it was nice to have a conversation where neither of us were ashamed of where we came from or where we are or who we are. And both of us were truly grateful for an opportunity to visit the other's world. It was a fearless conversation. With a balance of letting go and reaching out. Trust. Maybe that is what it was that was there. Not just a trust in each other but also a trust in ourselves and our worth as individuals and a trust in our inner strength and our ability to choose peace even though our trust has been misplaced in the past. 

To recognize that painful things happen but they don't have power over you.

That it is never too late to change course.
That just the small act of truly being present with someone and reaching out to them creates a small space of quiet. Maybe not actual quiet. Because life can be loud. But the noise doesn't have to get in the way.

I've also gotten a little better at letting go of things.
I still get confused and upset and hurt and sad and excited and confused again etc.
 But I've been practicing letting go and it's really helpful.

I've realized that in order to better understand others I need to not only give love but also be open to receiving it. Not just an outpouring of love but an influx of it too.
Like if my heart were a house It would be a place where people can come and go as they please and it would be peaceful whether I was alone or if other people were there.
To have a few extra chairs set up for others but to be content if no one visits that day.
All the while knowing the risks of being so open.
But being open anyway.
A house where you can talk or not talk.
A home without fear.

 I've been realizing more and more that my life goal is not happiness.
It's wholesomeness. It's about being honest.
It's not about being perfect.
It's no longer about being afraid of all the "negative" emotions like anger and sadness and pain. But accepting them and being kind to myself and others when they arise. I don't mean becoming volatile and unstable. I do not think it is healing or kind to take out your emotions on another person or even yourself. I just feel that a lot of pain comes from fear. And I am tired of being afraid of my emotions. And I was afraid that opening up old doors and not only recognizing what I was feeling but also admitting it and embracing it in a kind way would hurt.
And it does.
But that's okay.
It is not bad to feel angry or sad. It happens. I decided instead to use that anger and sadness to pinpoint the pain that was it's source by using them as guides and following them kindly and patiently to where they lead me.  And once I started doing that I realized that negative emotion aren't bad if they are used to help heal.  And it may sound odd and maybe I am going crazy with all of my studying and the copious amounts of time I seem to spend alone in my books and wading through medical terminology and Thich Nhat Hanh books but I think that negative emotions are just the messengers for pain. And yeah, "well duh." But it's not the realization that those negative emotions stem from pain that is what I discovered lately. It is that I discovered I can use those emotions to heal myself because I can find the deep hurts causing my negative emotions and work towards healing them and becoming whole. It is a nice thing to realize that I don't have to "conquer" my emotions.
But that I can be kind to all of them.
And it's interesting how negative emotions crop up less and less the more healing that takes place.

It's nice to have more time to spend with happiness and peace because anger and sadness and hurt aren't showing up on my doorstep in the middle of second-breakfast all the time.
That they are healing.
That I am healing.

I don't know much but I know that being afraid has never led me to good ends.

I don't know much but I know that what I know now can and will change.

I don't know much but I know that I don't have to be afraid or ashamed of that.

I don't know much but I know I have right now.

And right now?

 Is the perfect time for another adventure.

Song Section: 

Because music says it better than I can.

Kiiara "Feels"
Vancouver Sleep Clinic "Aftermath"
Signal Hill "The Dead Vineyard"

India.Arie "Video"
Deb Talan "Comfort"
Signal Hill "Afternoon Lull"

Saturday Sun " I Want a Life For You"

Jake Bugg " Simple as This"