Intermission: 2016

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Homely

I'm home sweet home now.

A few people have asked me how it's been going.

I was a bit nervous to come back.

I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep up socially with the times and people I care about.

But I am doing alright actually.

I think.

Granted I'm usually nervous that I'm going to be an awkward idiot or seem disinterested simply because I don't want to pry but I also don't want to look too interested to the point of weirdness.

I'm worried I'll ask the wrong questions or say something seemingly off topic but the connection to the current topic makes sense to me etc. (therefore, once again, appearing disinterested and distractible)

Or I just end up talking about my dog Ezra a lot.

Because he is cute.

And better with people than I am.

Or,

what if I have something on my face?

Or what if I revert to a neutral topic by inserting an equally generic phrase into the middle of an awkward pause and ruin everything?

And while it is entirely plausible that I can be both awkward and an idiot, that I might have something on my face, that I ask the wrong questions or inadvertently started a fan club for my dog,

it is irrational to think that it matters much since very few people put any amount of thought into reminiscing over past conversations with gentle acquaintances.

So I don't know why I worry so much over it.

Overall,

I am so grateful for my pup Ezra and his unconditional love for me though.

We go on walks, play fetch, take selfies, eat too much peanut butter, read, watch Gilmore Girls and cuddle.

At the end of the day I can sometimes (often times) come home feeling like I've totally failed at life and that my communication skills that day were entirely sub-par and I feel an odd filmy sort of dirty from being at work and I smell weird and I'm tired and stressing out about things I said or didn't say etc.

my Ezra is a bub and a half and greets me with unfeigned excitement and love and he just lets me love him with my whole heart and it's so simple and kind and transparent and whole.

And I love being back at Augie's and being able to see my friends regularly :)

I know I over think my social exchanges far too much.

I know I go in to them with broken intuition, good intentions and absolutely hilarious pun jokes.

I know it doesn't matter.

To be honest, there is an immeasurable amount of comfort in knowing I'm not significant or needed or essential etc.

I do not carry the world on my shoulders even if it sometimes feels like it.

But I am loved by some anyway.

And I love others anyway as well.

And that's pretty neat.

Tunes:
Mountains- Golden Youth
Chandelier Love- Nathan Reich
Cherry Blossoms- Night Beds
Healer (feat. Jean Deaux): Mick Jenkins

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Much Ado About Nothin'

If there is anything I have learned in my life, it is †hat I know nothing, because I don't know everything.

It is very hard to look out at a world you only want to make better and safer but knowing you will add your share of pain to it as well.

It's painful to know that with life and the world the way it is I can only ever, if I'm lucky, do more good than harm in this world, even though I don't want to harm it at all.

I don't truly understand anything fully but I know that

everything is connected somehow.

And I know good intentions are not enough.

But I also know that fear is death.

Just because I don't understand this world and the people in it or my place in it etc. doesn't mean that I shouldn't still try to be truly kind.

To Listen.

To See.

So I will keep trying to do the best I can in the best way I know how.

Even if it's two steps forward and one step back.

It may seem like slow going, but that's alright.

I'll keep trying to do more good than harm in my life anyway.

And maybe that's a thing close to hope.

Music:
Alps- Novo Amor

Emmay- I Can't Carry You

Heavy- Birdtalker

Oceans Brawl- Couer De Pirate

Mother- Moglii

Your Love is an Island- Talos

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Life Lessens

When I first got to Michigan I started to freak out a bit about the geographical isolation.

And how "little" there was to do.

Now I'm done freaking out.

It's actually really nice not being surrounded by anything except trees and a horde of wild turkeys.

And the rain is magical.

I've spent more than one grey, rainy day huddled on the couch in my PJ's reading (or watching Teen Wolf) with a mug of coffee or tea and my dog curled up next to me.

Also, I have realized that living alone is actually something I really enjoy.

More than enjoy.

LOVE.

Not because I dislike people.

But because, for the most part, I can have a vibrant and productive work and social life, be out and about, talk to people, travel etc. and know that when I go home it will be just me and quiet and my dog.

(And of course having a bit of land to plant a garden and sit outside with Ezra while he insists on being his over-large lap-dog self and drooling all over me.)

And I'm still a twenty something who doesn't plan on settling down and having children anytime soon so living alone seems plausible and totally amazing.

Seriously, home is my jam.

And I've realized my solitude is deeply, deeply needed.

More than I can express really.

In other news:

Watermelon is delicious here.
*Correction: All the fresh produce here is insanely delicious.

Also, I've learned that any coffee can taste palatable with enough almond milk in it and if consumed at high speeds.

Also I have realized I love Tai Chi.

Also yoga doesn't feel like a slow and agonizing stretch of a mind-numbingly boring death anymore.

(Every time I do yoga though my dog is pretty sure I'm dying so he comes over and puts his big head under my arms and pushes me up and pats me with his feet until I assure him I'm alive.)

Needless to say he is not a fan of this "yoga."

However, his "downward dog" is phenomenal.

He's a natural.

(Ti Chi just seems to confuse him. But he is kind enough to pretend not to notice my hapless flailing about in my hopeless attempt at being gracefully Chi-full.)

(Often all I'm thinking about when I do Tai Chi is if I would be an Airbender or a Waterbender. I'm partial to Airbending. I can be flighty.)

I also have fallen back into the habit of reading insane amounts.

And I am SO happy about it.

I finally feel like I am remembering what it feels like to not be so distractable.

Consequently, I have managed to find a (two-story) Barnes and Noble. (Yeah. I know.)

And, consequently, I still managed to spend too much money there.

Fun Facts:

Also, while reading, I finally discovered how far a "league" is distance wise.

It's four miles.

So then I suddenly realized,

" Holy shit. That means Eomer and his warrior buddies and their noble steeds could have been somewhere around 1200 miles from Helms Deep when Gandalf went to find them. Which makes it even more impressive that they arrived there on the first light of the fifth day."

#gandalfthebadass

I also have been listening to a mythology podcast and found out:
Hercules was a real jerk,
Flying Buddha's can be goblins in disguise,
Hera has a weird sense of justice,
Don't trust jealous Centaurs that offer you their blood-soaked cloaks,
Being a boulder can be cooler than being the sun (obviously),
And that King Arthur's brother Kay was not actually all that bad.
Also, apparently King Arthur was still beardless at, like, 22 and all the other guys wanted to dethrone him because of it.
(Never mind that he, you know, pulled a magical Human-Hacker from a big stone. And then flirted with some scaley wench in a pond for another fancy Apple-Peeler.)

Also, did you know Pavlov actually removed the salivary glands from inside his dogs mouths and sewed them, instead, on the outside of their cheeks so gathering their saliva was easier?

Yikes.

I randomly sink into the notion of dropping off the face of the world, erasing all my social media and living with my dog in the woods and growing stuff and playing the cello and drawing plants and learning medicinal uses for said plants and raising animals.
However, the peace I find in connecting with other human beings in small and meaningful ways is too profound to give up entirely.
Balance, I guess.

All of this to say that one of my best friend gave me some tough love that I really needed and helped me snap out of a funk.

So I've been adventuring again.

And that adventure has looked like, drinking hot tea, hanging with my dog and family, going to Barnes and Noble, trying coffee shops, reading a ton, running, watching Teen Wolf and Mr. Robot, learning a bunch, loving Lord of the Rings and totally sucking at the whole drawing thing.

And I've been realizing that whatever I do in the future I need to incorporate a lot more alone-time than I was a few months ago. And to also stop apologizing for needing my alone time.

I thought there was less to do here.
Turns out there are just less distractions.
So now I'm going to try to learn how to be far less distractible even in places with copious amounts of stimuli all around.
Oh boy.

Tunes:
Doe Paoro: The Wind ( AWESOME Music video)
Vancouver Sleep Clinic: Lung
Memoirs of a Geisha: Sayer's Theme
Ólafur Arnalds - Þú Ert Jörðin

Monday, August 29, 2016

Michigan Impossible

As you might know, I'm taking a bit of a break in Michigan.

So I've been trying to keep a low profile.

But I think they know I'm just another awkward selfie-taking 20 something.

Oh yeah,

I live next to a place called "Knotty Pines."

Oh good.

I live next to a forest with behavioral issues.

Also,

It seems to rain here whenever I decide to go on a walk.

Just kidding.
It's like this.

So what is there to do in The-Middle-of-Nowhere-Michigan you ask?

Well,

I get crawled on by at least one bug,

Then I make a considerable effort to keep up with the times.

I've even been attempting to walk on the treadmill while watching Netflix.

Then,

Even stacking wood and rocks can be fun if you're desperate enough.

But eventually,

Now, I love the quiet but when I am in the nearest town trying to remember how to say words to other people things can get a little dicey.

So I've had to learn to improvise.

I eventually get my point across and they hand me a coffee.

But it could be worse.

Moral of this story?

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Finding Piece

I decided to just go ahead and post a piece I wrote a few years ago.

I only really share things like this with a (very) few people. These days I don't get around to writing short stories and poetry and stuff as much as I used to. But when I come across old things I've written I remember I used to write, not just to figure things out but just to play around. It makes me remember how much fun it is to play with words.

And play in my own world.

My inner life/world may be hypothetical and fantastical but it's a place where it's always dusk, dawn or the blue hour. There is always coffee and tea and cereal. A place where my sweaters are big and my beverage temperature is always just right. A place with a cozy chair and a big, huge window looking out on a wheat field or a green forest or lake. And there is a good book and/or close friend next to me.

(It's also a world in which I am a badass Cellist. And a world where I can dance really well and my archery skills match those of Legolas.

And I'm always barefoot. )

(For some reason I don't like to wear shoes in my day dreams.)

(That might be the (Tolkien) Elvish influence in my life manifesting itself.)

And a place where I have many animal companions. (I'm beginning to think I might be Radagast.)

And at least one of my animal companion happens to be a Dire wolf.

Or Dire Pit-bull.

I'm not picky.

All in all it's a pretty swell place to vacation.

I'm just sayin'.

Sometimes I forget how essential deliberately spending time being creative is for my well-being.

And also Blues.

And Jazz.

And movies.

And books.

And animals.

And dancing.

And sleep.

I dig that shit.

I need more of it in my life.

I can't say I'm not shy about posting this piece.

Because I am.

But I guess a really great thing about being really, really tired is that it gives me a chance to make peace with my life and myself.

And it makes me numb enough to post things like this because what's the use in worrying about it?

So I guess I'll consider this an exercise in breaking my own rules.

I've never really liked rules anyway.

Here Lies Mr. Oliver (Joe “King” Oliver)

Champagne bubbles like sputtering coals and the chinking high pitched ding of crystal cups and laughing words drip from the ceiling and shatter on his shoulders. He walks outside. Lines hang like cobwebs on his face. Steam is rising from a grate on the ground. The lamp light spreads out – a halo. So he slips away.

Cotton wood seeds fall on the crackling paper under his hot wooden hand, his pen – striking the flint. His words sizzle and pop. With a note the trees begin to smoke.

There is a cemetery across town. He seeps through the gate and sees the silver stones shine with burnt letters. He sees that old statue with Her arm resting under her chin. He walks around her and tells his little story. Then he slips away.

It is thick like the big red trees. It whispers –smoke rings that drift. It hangs like mussels on a ship. And always dripping away under ground. Sharp as the Liberty Crown. Shifting like the fickle clouds.

He laughs. His breath is damp. So it clumps up. And slips away.