Achilles Heal.

  I've been thinking a lot about pain and listening.
Talking about pain is pretty normal in class and it is always interesting to hear stories and gain new perspectives. And I have the opportunity to share a bit in class but also I have an opportunity to just sit and listen to stories in class. Just listen. And it's nice. I was talking to my best friend Jess and I have been realizing that lately I've been pretty content and I feel pretty peaceful even though school is really stressful at times. It's a fulfilling stressful. I spend a lot of my day learning about how to help people and then spend the rest of it seeing how I can implement those things in my normal everyday life.

The other day I was able to talk to one of my classmates for a bit and it was nice to have a conversation where neither of us were ashamed of where we came from or where we are or who we are. And both of us were truly grateful for an opportunity to visit the other's world. It was a fearless conversation. With a balance of letting go and reaching out. Trust. Maybe that is what it was that was there. Not just a trust in each other but also a trust in ourselves and our worth as individuals and a trust in our inner strength and our ability to choose peace even though our trust has been misplaced in the past. 

To recognize that painful things happen but they don't have power over you.

That it is never too late to change course.
That just the small act of truly being present with someone and reaching out to them creates a small space of quiet. Maybe not actual quiet. Because life can be loud. But the noise doesn't have to get in the way.

I've also gotten a little better at letting go of things.
I still get confused and upset and hurt and sad and excited and confused again etc.
 But I've been practicing letting go and it's really helpful.

I've realized that in order to better understand others I need to not only give love but also be open to receiving it. Not just an outpouring of love but an influx of it too.
Like if my heart were a house It would be a place where people can come and go as they please and it would be peaceful whether I was alone or if other people were there.
To have a few extra chairs set up for others but to be content if no one visits that day.
All the while knowing the risks of being so open.
But being open anyway.
A house where you can talk or not talk.
A home without fear.

 I've been realizing more and more that my life goal is not happiness.
It's wholesomeness. It's about being honest.
It's not about being perfect.
It's no longer about being afraid of all the "negative" emotions like anger and sadness and pain. But accepting them and being kind to myself and others when they arise. I don't mean becoming volatile and unstable. I do not think it is healing or kind to take out your emotions on another person or even yourself. I just feel that a lot of pain comes from fear. And I am tired of being afraid of my emotions. And I was afraid that opening up old doors and not only recognizing what I was feeling but also admitting it and embracing it in a kind way would hurt.
And it does.
But that's okay.
It is not bad to feel angry or sad. It happens. I decided instead to use that anger and sadness to pinpoint the pain that was it's source by using them as guides and following them kindly and patiently to where they lead me.  And once I started doing that I realized that negative emotion aren't bad if they are used to help heal.  And it may sound odd and maybe I am going crazy with all of my studying and the copious amounts of time I seem to spend alone in my books and wading through medical terminology and Thich Nhat Hanh books but I think that negative emotions are just the messengers for pain. And yeah, "well duh." But it's not the realization that those negative emotions stem from pain that is what I discovered lately. It is that I discovered I can use those emotions to heal myself because I can find the deep hurts causing my negative emotions and work towards healing them and becoming whole. It is a nice thing to realize that I don't have to "conquer" my emotions.
But that I can be kind to all of them.
And it's interesting how negative emotions crop up less and less the more healing that takes place.

It's nice to have more time to spend with happiness and peace because anger and sadness and hurt aren't showing up on my doorstep in the middle of second-breakfast all the time.
That they are healing.
That I am healing.

I don't know much but I know that being afraid has never led me to good ends.

I don't know much but I know that what I know now can and will change.

I don't know much but I know that I don't have to be afraid or ashamed of that.

I don't know much but I know I have right now.

And right now?

 Is the perfect time for another adventure.

Song Section: 

Because music says it better than I can.

Kiiara "Feels"
Vancouver Sleep Clinic "Aftermath"
Signal Hill "The Dead Vineyard"

India.Arie "Video"
Deb Talan "Comfort"
Signal Hill "Afternoon Lull"

Saturday Sun " I Want a Life For You"

Jake Bugg " Simple as This"

Getting Schooled (Part I)

I started nursing school.

At first I underestimated how much homework I would have. 

Then I realized.

And at first I was all like

But after a few days 

So the first two weeks I felt like if I laughed too hard I would start to cry.

But I like to think I'm still keeping' it real.

Also, what is sleep?

When your instructor says, "You have a quiz on Monday" they actually mean:

But I still think I overestimate what is at stake when I take a quiz.

And after being at school and doing homework for hours I try to talk to people like everything is fine. 

So when I am socially awkward, I just sort of go with it.

So my flirting game is obviously also on point.

Now, I've come to the conclusion that the positively inclined numbness I feel towards all the work and tests I have to do may be what some would call being, "determined."

But  I'm still uncertain if it is "determination" I feel or if I am just drinking too much coffee. Or if I'm just in denial.

And  as of right now I LOVE nursing school. And I am hopeful that I'll continue to love it. 

I just have to stay positive

And balanced.

And keep remembering,

I love you guys.

Sons and Daughters

I have given away a lot of things this year. I have sorted through not only my belongings but also my priorities. And I have whittled down a lot of the noise in my life and now I look at my shelves and see empty space where there was clutter before. I have hung most of my clothes where I can see them all more clearly rather than having clothes piling up and things becoming hidden. I'm trying to do the same with my good and bad qualities. So I can see myself more clearly. So I can work on things more effectively by utilizing all that I have.

I have more free time now. And I can fill it up with the things I truly enjoy. And it makes me happy to know I now have a lot more time for new things and a lot more time for my favorite things.

Or a lot more room for new plants. Those are cool too.

Lately I've been given a lot of verbal encouragement. It has affected me greatly. I never used to think words of affirmation meant much to me. But they do. I think about the words that are said to me very, very often. I think about my encounters with people often. I think about what I have said to others often. I think about the words I say to myself often. And I try my best to put them to good use.

People are so interesting to me. They have history. I have history. A multitude of circumstances and events and thoughts and actions have led us to where we are and I know and respect that I cannot know a person in one conversation or even in a thousand. And they cannot know me in that time either. And that doesn't have to be a painful thought. Truly connecting with someone is not a one time thing. It's not always an "aha" moment and then everything is smooth sailing. Often it is wading through awkwardness and miscommunication over and over again until connecting with that person becomes easier and easier as you become more familiar with the other person. It involves asking a lot of questions with an open heart and mind. It often involves a lot of trying. It often involves a lot of time. And I feel very loved when someone offers me their time and their words and their thoughts. Because I know it is hard to do because free time is often scarce. So it seems to me that when someone gives me their time and their words they have given me something very valuable to them and I am so grateful for it.

Because free time can be hard to come by I enjoy writing nice notes to friends and family and texting them excitedly about things I find amazing.  But I also have been trying to actually say more words to my friends and family. And it is hard. I have always felt like I'm being cheesy when I offer sincere words of encouragement or compliments to friends or anyone really. I don't know why. Maybe because it is a hard thing to be that kind of vulnerable. I wish I could communicate how purely and deeply I feel things to the people I love. But it is hard for me. Mostly, I think, because I am unsure if they even want to hear it. Or maybe they just simply do not want it. It is one of the most hurtful things to offer some piece of yourself to someone and see in their face they don't want it. I cannot say I can accept everyone's invitations all the time but I will always do what I can to listen and share to the best of my ability and try my best to never shut them down.

I have always valued being invited. And that includes being invited into another person's world. I feel honored and loved and safe when I am invited in. Because I struggle with feeling like a burden. I try very hard not to intrude or impose on others. And it can come off as my being distant or uninterested. But it's the opposite. I'm trying to be kind. I'm trying to be gentle and safe and open.  But I will forever be understudied in compassion. I will always try to learn how to be kind and compassionate and understanding but I need help. I have insecurities I deal with and it affects how I communicate. I acknowledge them as they arise and I am working on them fervently. But I'm not perfect so my communication is not perfect. My kindness is not perfect. I will never do everything perfectly. I can only ever try my best to do everything honestly. Earnestly.

In regards to working on being more kind to myself and speaking more kindly to myself I have come a long way from the woefully stressed out, hypercritical self-improver I used to be. I've learned to take time to make the deep changes. And also I'm learning to enjoy that time. Not wish it away. I'm not just addressing the symptoms of my sufferings but trying to heal them at their source. And it takes painful honesty, loving kindness and a really good sense of humor. But there are still a lot of times that I still have to stop and look in the mirror or out the window and tell myself I am more than what I look like. I am more than what someone might perceive me as. I am more than my job. I am more than how well or how often I cook. I am more than what shows or music I grew up listening to or watching, I am more than what book I'm reading or not reading. I am more than what I have planned. I am more than all of it.

And so are others.

And maybe that seems like a vague and cliche way of thinking about things but I suppose I consider it to also be hopeful way of thinking.

And it sure beats defeatism.

Instead of the unknowns in life constantly frightening me they now feel more like the turning of a page in a really interesting and often suspenseful book.

I know that the unknowns matter. But I also know that the past and present matter too.

I know there is a balance.

I know that I am going to make mistakes.

And I know that as long as I don't submit to the, "Well, I guess this is just the way I am or the way it is." or the, "I can't change. I won't change." way of thinking then life will continue to feel more like an open book rather than just a game of Bloody Knuckles.

Life isn't a game with winners and losers or a game of avoidance and apprehension but an adventure full of valiant heroes, dragons, battles, healing, mystery, invitations, picnics, road-trips, laughter, tall-tales, hardships, construction, bridges, sailing, camping, hugging, handshakes, high-fives, talking quietly, asking questions, listening for answers, painting, running, loud music, symphonies, ballets, movies, walking, smelling flowers, gardening, coffee, tea, cooking, tasting, eating chocolate, eating cereal, eating, deep breathing, trying, listening, seeing, helping, asking for help, wholesomeness, good intentions, patience, gentleness, remembering, acknowledging, encouraging, understanding, learning and so many other things.

I've learned that Life is loving.

(And it is also full of music. So here are some songs I've been playing on repeat.)

Sons and Daughters - Allman Brown & Liz Lawrence

Everything Changes - Rachel Sermanni

Thinking - Cerulean Crayons

When Girl Meets World

"You're always so happy."

I get that one a lot. 

And I don't want to say it's not true. 

But it's not true.

True, I do tend to be wildly optimistic.

True, I love a lot of things in life.

True, I'm enthusiastic and I love people and I love learning and laughing and all that stuff.

True, I'm very grateful for my life in all of it's context.

But it isn't true that I'm always happy.

When I was younger, hearing, "you're always so happy" actually stressed me out massively. 

Because I felt like I had to put myself in the "happy box" and stay there.

Because it seemed like there were individuals in my life that, if I showed a less than happy side of myself, reacted negatively towards me. Like they became angry with me for not being "consistent."

Back then it seemed like being myself or showing my true feelings made me a "burden" and pushed people away.

So I just decided that I needed to be or at least pretend to be "always happy."

So, into the "happy box" I went.

But a box made of eggshells is not easy to move around in.

And it's very lonely in that little box.

Now I realize that it wasn't "my inconsistency" they would become angry with. Either they were just angry about other things or they were just angry with instability or "inconsistency" in general. 

It had nothing to do with me.

And now when most people say the "you're always so happy" type things to me I know they are probably just saying it to say something.

Those kind of things no longer sting when people say them to me now. 

They feel more like a breeze that ruffles through my hair. Kindly meant and pleasant in their passing.

 But something similar to this was said to me recently and was a bit of a catalyst for my wanting to becoming more aware of and more comfortable with the natural and ever changing nature of the world and of the human beings we all are.

It also allowed me to see that maybe I, however unintentionally, still confine myself and others to "boxes."

So I'm now trying my best to not confine myself or others to a "box."

The optimist box.

The introvert box.

The funny box.

The intellectual box.

The mom box.

The dad box.

The friend box.

The nerdy box.

The sassy box.

And so on.

It is convenient and more realistic to use descriptors.

 I'm not trying to say that using things to describe yourself to others or yourself is a bad thing.

But people are so many things, in so many varying degrees, at any given time.

Even if the changes and shifts are too subtle to notice, change is still happening.

But being ever changing doesn't mean being unstable.

The world revolves around the sun, on an axis, spinning all the time.

 But I don't really notice a difference except for signs of it in the height of the tide or shape of the moon or time of day or the seasons and so on.

And those things are beautiful.

And natural.

And normal.

There is gravity and there is movement.

 And so far it seems like they work together fabulously. 

So it seems unfair of me to try to compartmentalize myself or others into "boxes."

I just found out it was a lot easier for me to be more forgiving of myself and others when I placed myself and others into a big empty space and allowed myself and others to be many things and ever changing rather than expect them or myself to adhere to predetermined behaviors based on what and who I presume myself or them to be.

"Being present" and "appreciating" things has become much easier.

And it's been really nice.

It's one thing to acknowledge and take into account instinct and intuition and quite another to fabricate a hypothetical world that eventually becomes hard to separate from reality.

There is a difference between trying to empathize and being presumptuous.

There is a difference between trying to truly understand and superimposing.

There is a difference between being hopeful and being naive.

I've been trying my best to realize that while I may have a "rich inner life"and I am pretty imaginative  and whatnot I need to learn to separate it from my reality so I don't stress out so much.

It's both heartbreaking and liberating to realize one day that the world you created is just an illusory chalk drawing on a concrete sidewalk.

Maybe some things you thought and hoped had been real end up washing away. 

But maybe all of the imaginary holes and empty spaces you thought you might fall through have washed away too.

And you are left looking down on solid grey stone.

No imaginary pitfalls in sight.

And you look up to find that you've just been standing there fretting over things that don't actually exist.

And the world is still spinning.

And you are still on solid ground.

And now is as good a time as any to set off on another adventure. 

Thank You

Do you ever come across songs that seem to say what is in your head so perfectly it's weird?

I do. 

Like this song. 

For a few weeks now I have realized that I have been writing blog posts about courage and kindness and love and strength and personal growth but that I had forgotten to thank my teachers. I forgot to thank my friends and family and all the people I come in contact with for teaching me so much. I am taught everyday by this world and my loved ones.

I have learned to love by being loved. I have learned of kindness by being treated kindly.

I have learned strength and courage and hope by being trusted by others and learning to trust in others. I have learned of respect and graciousness and gentleness by seeing my tired friends struggle and realizing they need rest like I do. And to do what I can to help them feel peaceful. 

I have learned awareness and empathy by being invited into my friend's and family's worlds. 

The light and dark parts of them.

And by inviting others into my world.

The light and dark parts of it.

I have learned to forgive myself and others by being forgiven by others.

I have learned perseverance by continuing to actively and sincerely get to know my loved ones so I can know how to help when I can and just be there for them when I cannot help them.

 I have learned of peace and happiness by learning to give just to give, without a thought to receiving anything in return, because so many have given to me without ever asking to be repaid in kind.

I have learned to let go gently of things that do not work out because my friends and family have taught me that there is so much beauty in this life it is not worth it to dwell on all the bad that happens. 

That even though a dandelion is a weed, it someday can turn into a "wish-flower." 

That weakness can become strength and fear can be replaced with trust and hopefulness.

That tears can become laughter. And laughter can turn to tears. 

And not to be afraid of the possibility of either happening. 

To be there for all of it.

To celebrate with them.

To mourn with them.

To sit in quiet comfortable silence with them.

Just because.

I am so grateful to have found myself among such excellent and admirable hobbits human beings.

I know a blog post is an insufficient way to thank those I love so I have been doing other things here and there to try to show my love and gratitude for all of them in real life.

Whether that be with little notes, or spending time with them, or talking with them, or laughing with them or struggling with them or working through things with them or any number of other ways to show my love. 

I know I cannot take away the pains or burdens from my friends when they struggle, even though I really wish I could, but I can sure try to be a Samwise Gamgee and carry them when need be.

I cannot say I'll be perfect.

I cannot say that I will always succeed.

I cannot say I will never let you down.

But I can say that I will always do my best to be a good friend. 

An honest friend.

A courageous friend.

A faithful friend.

A loyal friend.

A kind friend.

A gentle friend.

An open-hearted friend.

A loving friend.

A hopeful friend.

A grateful friend.

So Thank you for all you have done for me.

:)

Lyrics to the song.

This is a poem I love.

Be Kind Unwind

Lately I have been trying to live more fearlessly. But while I have been trying to do this I keep reminding myself that living more courageously does not mean that I should become insensitive to others or their comfort and peace. I do not think that living more courageously means living less kindly. I do not think it means becoming indifferent and careless.

I have been trying to live more courageously because I want to be more kind. 

Because I want to live a more meaningful life.

 So I have been trying to find balance. 

And so I picked up and began re-reading one of my favorite books, The Heart is Noble, because I felt like it might help me find ways to become more balanced. 

And I came across this while reading it:

"The trick is to strike the right balance between what you want for yourself and what you want for others. To achieve that balance from the outset what you want for yourself must be well-thought-out. By this I mean that if what you want for yourself is strongly self-centered, you will find no real balance. This is because you are just one part of your life. Since that is so, you must necessarily take others into consideration. Your own interests and your own life will only be balanced when they include both the well being of yourself and others. Any wholesome undertaking necessarily includes a desire to benefit others. You need to care for yourself, of course, but not to the total disregard for others. Your accomplishments cannot come at the expense of others." 

I do not want to regret NOT doing things I want to do in my life. 

And I think that the "you will regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did do" approach to life is often highlighted.

 It is true. Being entombed in "what-ifs" can be excruciatingly painful. 

But I also think that there are times when patience instead of action is a very thoughtful and wise approach to living a full life.

I've been realizing that sometimes having patience and waiting can be an active way of achieving my goals, however ironic it may seem.

I do not mean this in "the hunter waits quietly for his/her prey" kind of way.

I am speaking more in terms of the whole, "The line between bravery and stupidity is very thin" way of thinking.

I am talking about my need to remember others walking along with me through this life. 

Remembering that what I do affects others and I need to remain aware of that. 

But I also know that it is okay to be introspective and focus on myself at times too.

Because I need to take time to recenter myself to feel more peaceful and balanced.

"Love and emotional well-being rest within us, not outside of us. therefore,in order to develop real love and to have healthy relationships, there is no way out of it: we need to probe our own heart and mind." *

So I have been taking time out of my day to quietly reflect on the things and people I love, my goals, things I am grateful for, things I am working on, the progress I have made, ways I can be more kind, finding ways to be more patient, enjoying a good cup of coffee or tea, going on picnics, going on walks, looking up and around and just enjoying my life as it is now.

One of the things I have been working on over the years is being kinder to myself. I have been working on not only being more kind to myself but also trusting in my strength and more readily forgiving myself. This has also helped me work on remembering and recognizing the strength and goodness of all those around me and more readily forgiving them and letting things go. And because of that I now approach people more openly and find that I am bothered by and hurt by far less than I used to be. 

I have tried my best to use all the context and experiences in my life, good and bad, to seek out and become aware of my hopes, aspirations and priorities so that working towards them becomes more fulfilling because I am working towards accomplishing things that make me truly happy while also lovingly letting go of other's expectations of me.

But I also recognize that how I go about accomplishing these things is just as important as what I am trying to accomplish.

"I have many hopes for the world, but I try not to have any expectations. Whether I can actually fulfill my aspirations or not, I wish to let them shape me and guide my actions in the world. Focusing on achieving results can make us too attached to our goals. Our dreams do not necessarily have to be fulfilled in order for us to be happy. Nurturing hopes is meaningful in and of itself. It is worth working towards them, regardless of the outcome. When we make this shift away from results, we will find greater courage to act on our aspirations for the world. We will find our nobility of heart."*

Change will happen no matter what.

And I'm learning not to be afraid of it, but to see it as an adventure.

I have a lot to do. I am very far from perfect. I'm still working on things. I mess up. I move too quickly sometimes. I move too slowly sometimes. I still lose patience with myself.

But I'm learning to see wonder and happiness in the steps I have taken and am taking towards my goals rather than focusing on all the steps I have yet to take. 

I also find great joy in witnessing my loved ones grow and work towards their own goals. And I feel honored and loved when we find quiet moments connect and to share our progress and set-backs with each other. And I feel honored and loved when we find time for just laughter and fun too. 

I can now take in compliments and helpful uplifting words peacefully and gratefully rather than taking them as the sharp sound of the ball and chain of expectation clicking shut around my ankle.

I can find joy in the good qualities that I have within me but I also know I do not have to fear confronting my faults.

I have found it is becoming easier to feel peaceful in the midst of this crazy-demanding life because I am less crazy-demanding on myself these days.

And I have learned that this approach is not complacent. 

It is patient. 

It is kind.

It is loving.

And it's all gonna be alright.

:)

The Catch

Trying to be courageous is, like, terrifying.