Getting Schooled 2.0

COFFEE

When I remember it is Sunday and I have to go back to school the next day.

When I ignore that fact as long as humanly possible

When I look at all the homework I have to do

When I get half of my homework done

When I look at all the homework I still have to do

When I see people reading books for fun.

Just kidding. I still read books for fun.

Lord of the Rings

I get chatty when I'm tired

Or I get disturbingly listless and confused when I study for too long

What I feel like when my classmates and I are at the hospital in our uniforms

After first/second/third/fourth day of clinical

Before my midterm

The "BEST" answer

After my midterm

After class on Thursday (It's my "Friday"):

What I should do:

What I actually do:

Because I think I have forgotten how to life:

During Lecture

During Labs

During Study Time

Finals are next week.

Sometimes I become irrationally irritated with my alarm.

Keeping up with all the "real world" stuff I'm still expected to do

Huh?

But even if I do sleep things get weird

Studying:

How I think I look on the outside

How I actually look.

My blog-writing process: 



When people ask me what I am going to do on the two-week break I have coming up

How I am staying positive

How I feel about all of it thus far?

Achilles Heal.

  I've been thinking a lot about pain and listening.
Talking about pain is pretty normal in class and it is always interesting to hear stories and gain new perspectives. And I have the opportunity to share a bit in class but also I have an opportunity to just sit and listen to stories in class. Just listen. And it's nice. I was talking to my best friend Jess and I have been realizing that lately I've been pretty content and I feel pretty peaceful even though school is really stressful at times. It's a fulfilling stressful. I spend a lot of my day learning about how to help people and then spend the rest of it seeing how I can implement those things in my normal everyday life.

The other day I was able to talk to one of my classmates for a bit and it was nice to have a conversation where neither of us were ashamed of where we came from or where we are or who we are. And both of us were truly grateful for an opportunity to visit the other's world. It was a fearless conversation. With a balance of letting go and reaching out. Trust. Maybe that is what it was that was there. Not just a trust in each other but also a trust in ourselves and our worth as individuals and a trust in our inner strength and our ability to choose peace even though our trust has been misplaced in the past. 

To recognize that painful things happen but they don't have power over you.

That it is never too late to change course.
That just the small act of truly being present with someone and reaching out to them creates a small space of quiet. Maybe not actual quiet. Because life can be loud. But the noise doesn't have to get in the way.

I've also gotten a little better at letting go of things.
I still get confused and upset and hurt and sad and excited and confused again etc.
 But I've been practicing letting go and it's really helpful.

I've realized that in order to better understand others I need to not only give love but also be open to receiving it. Not just an outpouring of love but an influx of it too.
Like if my heart were a house It would be a place where people can come and go as they please and it would be peaceful whether I was alone or if other people were there.
To have a few extra chairs set up for others but to be content if no one visits that day.
All the while knowing the risks of being so open.
But being open anyway.
A house where you can talk or not talk.
A home without fear.

 I've been realizing more and more that my life goal is not happiness.
It's wholesomeness. It's about being honest.
It's not about being perfect.
It's no longer about being afraid of all the "negative" emotions like anger and sadness and pain. But accepting them and being kind to myself and others when they arise. I don't mean becoming volatile and unstable. I do not think it is healing or kind to take out your emotions on another person or even yourself. I just feel that a lot of pain comes from fear. And I am tired of being afraid of my emotions. And I was afraid that opening up old doors and not only recognizing what I was feeling but also admitting it and embracing it in a kind way would hurt.
And it does.
But that's okay.
It is not bad to feel angry or sad. It happens. I decided instead to use that anger and sadness to pinpoint the pain that was it's source by using them as guides and following them kindly and patiently to where they lead me.  And once I started doing that I realized that negative emotion aren't bad if they are used to help heal.  And it may sound odd and maybe I am going crazy with all of my studying and the copious amounts of time I seem to spend alone in my books and wading through medical terminology and Thich Nhat Hanh books but I think that negative emotions are just the messengers for pain. And yeah, "well duh." But it's not the realization that those negative emotions stem from pain that is what I discovered lately. It is that I discovered I can use those emotions to heal myself because I can find the deep hurts causing my negative emotions and work towards healing them and becoming whole. It is a nice thing to realize that I don't have to "conquer" my emotions.
But that I can be kind to all of them.
And it's interesting how negative emotions crop up less and less the more healing that takes place.

It's nice to have more time to spend with happiness and peace because anger and sadness and hurt aren't showing up on my doorstep in the middle of second-breakfast all the time.
That they are healing.
That I am healing.

I don't know much but I know that being afraid has never led me to good ends.

I don't know much but I know that what I know now can and will change.

I don't know much but I know that I don't have to be afraid or ashamed of that.

I don't know much but I know I have right now.

And right now?

 Is the perfect time for another adventure.

Song Section: 

Because music says it better than I can.

Kiiara "Feels"
Vancouver Sleep Clinic "Aftermath"
Signal Hill "The Dead Vineyard"

India.Arie "Video"
Deb Talan "Comfort"
Signal Hill "Afternoon Lull"

Saturday Sun " I Want a Life For You"

Jake Bugg " Simple as This"

Getting Schooled (Part I)

I started nursing school.

At first I underestimated how much homework I would have. 

Then I realized.

And at first I was all like

But after a few days 

So the first two weeks I felt like if I laughed too hard I would start to cry.

But I like to think I'm still keeping' it real.

Also, what is sleep?

When your instructor says, "You have a quiz on Monday" they actually mean:

But I still think I overestimate what is at stake when I take a quiz.

And after being at school and doing homework for hours I try to talk to people like everything is fine. 

So when I am socially awkward, I just sort of go with it.

So my flirting game is obviously also on point.

Now, I've come to the conclusion that the positively inclined numbness I feel towards all the work and tests I have to do may be what some would call being, "determined."

But  I'm still uncertain if it is "determination" I feel or if I am just drinking too much coffee. Or if I'm just in denial.

And  as of right now I LOVE nursing school. And I am hopeful that I'll continue to love it. 

I just have to stay positive

And balanced.

And keep remembering,

I love you guys.