I've recently been "washing out" all psychoactive medications to try to find my "baseline."
Well, let me tell you, my friends, my baseline is looking pretty chaotic.
Like, I had hoped that after almost a decade on some medications I'd be okay to quit taking them.
I am in a healthy, loving relationship with an amazing partner etc. working at a job I like, I have time for hobbies and sleep now.
So, naturally, I decided to shatter that balance.
And because I don't wish to bore you with the particulars I have, instead, implemented the use of GIFS (this is one of the many maladaptive coping skills I have honed to a deadly double edged blade of "Dark Humor" meets "Total Despair and Confusion" that both meet at the nice sharp knife point of "My Loneliness is Killing Me but So is the Anxiety that I am Both a Burden to Everything and Selfish Beyond Measure.")
And to add a bit of a challenge to it, I'm only using New Girl GIFS.
So now that we have that all cleared up we can begin.
Well, most days it starts out well enough.
Then I say hello to my dog Ezra and proceed to try to ignore the snakes crawling around in my body
So I head on in to the bathroom to try to look into the mirror and repeat sage advice I've heard from others over the years hoping this time it will take root within me.
So I try to start my self improvement journey yet again.
But this time make it doable.
Then I eat mashed potatoes and corn with cheese for breakfast.
So when that doesn't work I try to remember how far I've come in the last 28 years.
When that doesn't work I like to ruminate on our super fucked up world.
And while doing this my body likes to do weird shit for no reason.
It doesn't make me feel better.
So I just keep trying to shut it down so that leads to making it worse actually.
And then I get angry and overwhelmed and try to talk myself into not feeling guilty for making decisions to help myself even if they make me feel selfish.
And as you might have guessed by now.
That doesn't work.
So then I change tactics.
Aaaaaaaaaaand now I'm hungry.
We're tailspinning, tailspinning, tailspinning...
Trying not to break things including myself
Oh and there is intellectualizing
Lets try all the coping skills we know.
Nope.
Still Spiraling.
Deploy self-hatred.
Feelings:
Then you cry yourself to sleep after maybe trying weed as a last-ditch effort.
You wake up and feel both hungry and hungover and like a terrible person.
But what do you say to someone who saw you being so..... weird?
Yes.
That's it.
Let's call it what it isn't. Because that helps.
Now.
Do it again.
Here is some music that makes it more bearable.
(I swear it's one of the best playlists ever.)
