Friday, August 5, 2016

There and Back Again

I feel like a lot of us have angsty spells in our lives.
Totally sucks. 
Totally normal. 
Most of the time it's just breathing through it and hanging with friends and family and doing fun things to heal up.

I try not to make it obvious that I have had Sever Major Depressive Disorder since I was 14.

I'm not discounting or demeaning normal hard life situations we all go through.
  Shit's hard out here, man.
But for some reason I get hit really hard sometimes about seemingly normal hard times.
It hits me mostly as immeasurable fatigue and anxiety and despair and pain.
And it confuses the shit out of me.
Why can't I handle my shit like normal people?
But something happens (or doesn't happen) in my brain chemistry that takes a massive toll on my day to day life and it sucks.

I'll say that I in no way have ever considered depression my identity. 
I am not depressed. 
I have depression. 
There is a difference.
I am a whole host of other things. 
I love so many things and so many people and find beauty and light and goodness everywhere.
But for some reason the despair and pain (like a physical pain) when I see or hear of bad things happening or when someone is hurting is overwhelming.
And it just fucking KILLS me.
And my whole body stings with it constantly.
Finger tips, face, hands, stomach, chest etc.
I have only ever mentioned this to a few people.
Not because I am ashamed.
It just isn't something I feel is appropriate to say to someone while I'm handing them their latte.

Like, "Hey, Medium Vanilla Latte up. Oh by the way I don't know if you know but I have Depression, Anxiety, a sleep disorder and problems with food. Good talk. Have a nice day now."

So it isn't something I talk about.
Also, I'm afraid people will treat me like I'm fragile or something. And walk on eggshells and shit. And that is the last thing in the world I want. 
I take medication. I'm not ashamed of that either. But I also don't rely on medication alone to fix things. I study self improvement and try to have a personal study time in the morning to try to find ways to heal and improve mine and others lives by studying kindness and life and love etc.
I exercise and play Dungeons and Dragons and try to hang with my friends and communicate with family.

But even with all of that, I still ended up in the hospital twice in the last month because of suicide.
 that one is especially hard to chat about over tea and crumpets.

So, naturally, I have been contemplating the sanctity of the individual's life.
I was in a pretty task oriented state of mind for a while and lost sight of the importance and the beauty of the human soul. 
Namely, my own. 
I honestly did not want to be here.
I felt like it was the perfect time to leave because all my friends and family have others to turn to and they would get over it because life gets busy and stuff and I'd fade out of their minds and so I kept telling myself dying was totally okay and not a big deal.
My friends and family seemed to disagree. 
And I could NOT understand how they could disagree.
I love people and sure, if any of them died I would be wrecked but me dying wasn't a huge deal. 
I love my life and I am endlessly grateful for all that I have.
I suppose the tiredness just got the best of me.
I let go and was comforted by the fact that a million other people in this world could do the things I was doing so what was the point in sticking around.
I was and still am incredibly tired. It's a tired that sleep can't seem to fix. 
Also, I have a major sleep disorder. 
But that is beside the point.
But I have talked to my friends, read some books, changed some medication up and am coming back from the dead.
It's really hard. 
It's like saying goodbye to everyone at a party and getting to your car and realizing you forgot your keys so you have to go back in and get them.
So I still am trying to feel more social and trying to connect again.
It's coming along.
And I can tell I am healing.

But I am so grateful for everything my friends and family and co-workers and bosses have done for me during this particularly hectic time.
They helped me remembered that, sure, anyone can do what I am doing.
But no one can ever be "Cass." 
And I feel like I'm highly qualified to be me.
Maybe overqualified.

So all in all I can't say I won't have some bad days but I can say that I will always try to come out of it stronger.
I mean, "It's no bad thing to celebrate a simple life."

More information on depression and mental disorders:

This site is awesome and can answer a ton of questions

Hyperbole and a Half is one of my favorite books/blogs and the author talks about her depression in some parts.
It's magic.
I highly recommend.

This video:

And just ask questions. Converse. Connect.
Maybe you or someone you love has some sort of mental illness and talking about it can help dismember the stigma surrounding it all.

You are awesome.

1 comment:

  1. Wow! I'm amazed by your courage in being so open. Honestly, I wish I had that strength.