I am moving to Michigan tomorrow. It happened far sooner than planned but I'm really excited about it.
I am going to take some time to heal and care for animals, ride my horses, build barns, plant orchards and gardens and wander through my parents forest with my animals in big open spaces. I'm going to build a greenhouse and plant my own camomile and make my own camomile tea. I'm going to watch it all grow. With wonder. Not impatience. I'm going to learn new things. I'm going to (hopefully) eat from the gardens and orchards that I plant. I'm going to share it. I’m going to take some time for slow and early mornings, manual brewing, whistling tea kettles, spending time with my family and cuddling with dogs and animals and freezing during the (really long) white winters. I’ll be working with doctors and reading books and trying to sleep. I will also be going to botanical gardens and museums and hiking and camping and all manner of coffee shops on that side of the country. And, of course, I'll be watching/reading/dreaming about Lord of the Rings and enjoying “peace and quiet and good tilled earth.”
And I'm not going to rush any of it.
I'm learning to trust time. I'm learning to trust pain. I'm learning how to learn. I'm learning to take time. I'm learning to focus again. I'm learning to leave my phone and take in the world with my eyes not just through my camera lens. And that taking pictures and sharing them is also nice. I'm try to learn balance and be okay with it being mostly unattainable. Because I'm imperfect. I'm learning to laugh at my toppling and accept the stumbling while still striving to keep my feet. That "patient not complacent" thing. I'm learning patience. I'm learning to be okay with all of it. I have a lot to learn. Life is beautiful. I'm learning to see time as my best friend. I'm learning to remember and accept things, everything, even pain, with gratitude. I'm trying to remember that it is tears both happy and sad that can wash the thorns from my eyes. And also smear my mascara. And that a shower is necessary from time to time. (However if I can get away with bathing in a lake, I will.) I'm learning that being cheesy is okay.
I'm learning more and more about what makes me happy now. Because I'm learning that that changes and that I am not inherently anything but good. I'm learning that life gets full up with all kinds of things. Some things help reveal the goodness and some stuff buries it. And what reveals and what buries that goodness is different for everyone. But it's always there. There is a difference between fickle and flakey and being open and flexible. And I'm learning it's okay to have beliefs and preferences. But to have at least equal amounts of adventure and openness in me too. To believe in things and people because I love them. Not because I dislike the other stuff.
Experience is inevitable but I'm learning that actively perusing new adventures is perfectly wonderful and enjoyable too. I think a lot and I'm learning not too think about things too hardball the time. Not for fear of knowledge and the pain it can cause. But because I'm trying to make room for understanding. Because I'm trying to understand things. For no reason at all. Because I've learned that often my logic gets in the way. Because my logic is flawed. Because it is not whole.
I'm learning to accept that logic and love are partners, not enemies. And that it's the same with sorrow and peace.
I'm letting myself learn to hope for all of these things and if they don't happen that's alright. Because things will work out. However they work out. Whenever they work out.
Maybe not as planned.
Maybe not as planned.
But I am also learning not to plan so damn much.
Because somehow I've managed to have a beautiful, transient, hectic life regardless of my plans.
But because of the wonderful people and experiences that have filled the 24 years I've lived.
And I'm so grateful.
And I'm so grateful.
I'll be sad sometimes,
unexplainably anxious sometimes,
and imperfect always.
I'm not looking for happiness.
It's already here.
Maybe it just feels different then what I expect it too feel like.
And that's okay.
I made a virtual MixedTape for you: